Oh. My. Goodness.
This weekend was not at all what I expected. I went into it having all kinds of plans.. Get our wedding invitations finalized and start getting them put together. Print our engagement picture collage and pick them up. Finish Christmas shopping at the mall with my little sister.. And so on. It was going to be a crazy busy weekend, I was prepared for that. But I wasn't prepared for what happened instead.
Instead, on Saturday, when I was supposed to be doing my final dress fitting, after several other fittings to complete my dream wedding dress, and finally take my dress home and be done with the drives up to Salt Lake.. I got to the bridal salon, only to find out that my dress is missing because the seamstress hadn't been in the salon for half the week, and she isn't answering her phone calls. Needless to say I left the salon, with no dress, no idea what to do, and no answers. I was a very upset bride, along with other brides who had come in to pick up their dresses that day, only to find it was missing. The feeling of not knowing where your over $2,000 dollar dress is.. Yeah, not a good one.
On top of that my fiance called me to inform me that the print shop where he took my DIY invitation template (which took me hours to complete I might add) to, wouldn't print them out because we already had our paper pre-cut to the correct size for the envelopes.. I mean what is that!? Isn't that was print shops are for!? Printing things in the sizes you need, on the paper you need?? If I just wanted to print on normal paper, in the normal size.. I could do it at home! I mean, come on.
Then, I found out that the place I got our photo's printed at, had to change our pictures a bit, because they weren't going to fit the 5X7 size I had ordered how they were... I still don't know how they look, but I am hopefully going to find out today, and I am very nervous.
I felt like I was going to vomit. All this in one Saturday. A brides worst nightmare. I was losing it.
Then Sunday was even worse..
I had a full on, no control, total melt down. I couldn't do this anymore. I could not handle the stress, so much was going wrong.. And I took it out on my poor, wonderful, fiance.
Yeah. It wasn't pretty.. I'm talking it was near break up not pretty. How much more could go wrong? Only the whole fight thing, that was all me, I brought that on myself. It was totally avoidable and unneeded, and my poor man totally didn't want it. But I did it anyway.
So much was wrong. So much was hurting. So much felt impossible and unavoidable. It wasn't even just wedding stuff that felt like it was going terribly wrong. Nope. Everything just felt like it was melting away in front of me, and I had no control.
Of course that wasn't true. It's never true. It just felt like it at the time, and I had poor judgement, and I lost it..
A bad weekend, a very bad weekend.
Until the moment it was no longer bad.. In fact it was quite wonderful and incredible.
After all that, after all the ugliness.. The man of my dreams.. The most amazing man in the world (I'm sorry ladies, but you're delusional if you think yours is better).. He did the most amazing and unthinkable thing.. He got down on one knee, and proposed to me all over again. Yes it was with the same ring. Yes it was in our bedroom among some dirty laundry.. But it was the most beautiful thing ever.
We had just got done having the worst fight we have ever had. I had yelled at him horribly when he didn't deserve it. We had both been in tears... And he proposed to me again. With even more love in his eyes than he had the day he asked me to be his forever, by the wishing well in Disneyland.
He is even more incredible than I ever imagined.
Guys. Life isn't perfect. It's messy. And we will do things we regret. We will make mistakes. We will never be perfect. We will say things in the heat of the moment that we don't really mean. We are, after all, human.
But if you have the right people standing beside you, no matter how dark the day is, it will always end up okay..
In that moment Kevin gave both of us a fresh start. Maybe we got engaged too soon. Maybe we took things a bit too fast. Maybe we weren't ready even though we wanted to be when he got down on one knee in the Happiest Place On Earth... But that's okay. Because we still made it.. We've made it through a lot, and really, we've only gotten stronger.
That fight needed to happen, it was inevitable. Life hasn't been easy as of late. There's not reason to act like it's been all butterflies and rainbows, because that would be a lie. Things always happen for a reason.
We have a new start now. I feel like I am just barely engaged again. Only now we are in a much better, and much more mature place than we were almost 8 months ago..
I hope all of you ladies have the kind of man that will always want to get down on one knee again and ask you to be his. Over and over, no matter what happens. No matter where life takes you. Because that is the kind of love that everyone deserves.. Unconditional. Not just anyone would have stuck around after that.. They probably would have left...
But not Kevin.. Not him..
Monday, December 15, 2014
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Let's talk about cyber bullying..
So, today I watched a movie that touched near and dear to my heart.. It's called "Cyber Bully".. Ever heard of it? I hadn't until I found it on the almighty Netflix.. And it sparked my interest.
High School wasn't the easiest part of my life.. Honestly those three years were some of the hardest, for so many reasons. Family drama, boy drama, self drama, and school drama that came right along with friend drama. But the worst, the very worst, was the bullying, and the bullying that followed me home on the Internet..
Bullying is a very serious thing that so many of us overlook. We turn our backs on it, act like it isn't there. Did you know that in most states cyber bullying is something that literally has no laws or consequences? I'm serious. They don't even count the hurtful and harmful things people say to others on the Internet as any form of harassment. Amazing, isn't it? Cyber bullying can be even worse than bullying that happens at school, or even in the work place. Why? Because even if bullying is happening at a public place, at least the victim can go home, to a safe place, but that safe place is taken away when the bullying has spread to emails and text messaging and online profiles... Then, suddenly, the victim doesn't even have that anymore.
I know how it feels to feel absolutely lost and alone.. To have all that hurt come into your life. At first you tell yourself they are just words.. Then it keeps going and going, and more and more people catch word of it, less and less people talk to you, more and more join in on making fun of you because they are afraid of being made fun of instead. Eventually it consumes you.. The words get worse and worse.. The bullying keeps going and going.. Hitting the Internet where most adults who could defend you and help you don't see it.
My story started with an argument between me and my closest friends.. An argument that lead to us no longer being friends. And those friends proceeded to lash out at me. I was called a slut, a liar, people said I would sleep with any guy that came along.. Eventually boys even started claiming I had slept with them.. Rumors went around that I would be pregnant before graduation.. I started getting harassing messages on facebook with hurtful words.. People started prank calling boys and leaving messages about wanting to have sex with them, and all sorts of disgusting things.. And then leaving my name at the end of the message.. So then I started getting messages from friends, and parents telling me to leave their sons alone..
It all spread like wild fire. No end in site. And eventually my only friend was my mom. And it hurt to realize it all stemmed back to a stupid argument between me and my "friends".. Eventually I got suicidal, like so many other victims of bullying.. Only I was one of the lucky ones who didn't succeed in going through with it.
Both in person and online bullying are real. They are ignored way too much.
High School wasn't the easiest part of my life.. Honestly those three years were some of the hardest, for so many reasons. Family drama, boy drama, self drama, and school drama that came right along with friend drama. But the worst, the very worst, was the bullying, and the bullying that followed me home on the Internet..
Bullying is a very serious thing that so many of us overlook. We turn our backs on it, act like it isn't there. Did you know that in most states cyber bullying is something that literally has no laws or consequences? I'm serious. They don't even count the hurtful and harmful things people say to others on the Internet as any form of harassment. Amazing, isn't it? Cyber bullying can be even worse than bullying that happens at school, or even in the work place. Why? Because even if bullying is happening at a public place, at least the victim can go home, to a safe place, but that safe place is taken away when the bullying has spread to emails and text messaging and online profiles... Then, suddenly, the victim doesn't even have that anymore.
I know how it feels to feel absolutely lost and alone.. To have all that hurt come into your life. At first you tell yourself they are just words.. Then it keeps going and going, and more and more people catch word of it, less and less people talk to you, more and more join in on making fun of you because they are afraid of being made fun of instead. Eventually it consumes you.. The words get worse and worse.. The bullying keeps going and going.. Hitting the Internet where most adults who could defend you and help you don't see it.
My story started with an argument between me and my closest friends.. An argument that lead to us no longer being friends. And those friends proceeded to lash out at me. I was called a slut, a liar, people said I would sleep with any guy that came along.. Eventually boys even started claiming I had slept with them.. Rumors went around that I would be pregnant before graduation.. I started getting harassing messages on facebook with hurtful words.. People started prank calling boys and leaving messages about wanting to have sex with them, and all sorts of disgusting things.. And then leaving my name at the end of the message.. So then I started getting messages from friends, and parents telling me to leave their sons alone..
It all spread like wild fire. No end in site. And eventually my only friend was my mom. And it hurt to realize it all stemmed back to a stupid argument between me and my "friends".. Eventually I got suicidal, like so many other victims of bullying.. Only I was one of the lucky ones who didn't succeed in going through with it.
Both in person and online bullying are real. They are ignored way too much.
Thursday, December 4, 2014
Ahhhh.. Weddings!
Goodness gracious!
Planning a wedding is stressful! Who knew! Besides all of you lovely women who have already been through the whole process and successfully completed it.
Sometimes, I'll be honest, I seriously consider just eloping to Vegas and having some Elvis impersonator marry us at one of those crappy drive through chapels..
But then I remind myself that my dream is to have a gorgeous and memorable wedding.. And while the whole Elvis idea would most definitely be memorable, it would be seriously lacking in the whole gorgeous department.
All I'm saying is that when planning a wedding you seem to easily forget all the things that need to be done. The big things are easy to remember. Like the venue, the dress and so on.. But what about the guest book? And the pens for the guest book?
Not to discourage any of you new lovely brides out there. Wedding planning is amazing, and it does have it's perks. All I'm saying is don't assume you have everything under control too early. Assume you are missing something. Perhaps go to a wedding that is taking place before yours (that you are invited to of course!) and take a look at everything they pulled together.
You will really be surprised by what has slipped your pretty little mind..
Or am I crazy? Am I the only engaged woman going through this faze of wedding planning? I mean I could believe it if someone told me I was. Sadly I tend to be a bit scatter brained, and a bit of a procrastinator.. Which I have come to find is a really bad thing to be when it comes to weddings!
Trust me, figuring it all out.. And having it done months before your wedding.. Is a way better idea than letting it all wait and cramming it all into a month.
Mark my words.. The ride will be a bumpy one... Worth it in the end.. But bumpy none the less!
XOXO
Madison
Planning a wedding is stressful! Who knew! Besides all of you lovely women who have already been through the whole process and successfully completed it.
Sometimes, I'll be honest, I seriously consider just eloping to Vegas and having some Elvis impersonator marry us at one of those crappy drive through chapels..
But then I remind myself that my dream is to have a gorgeous and memorable wedding.. And while the whole Elvis idea would most definitely be memorable, it would be seriously lacking in the whole gorgeous department.
All I'm saying is that when planning a wedding you seem to easily forget all the things that need to be done. The big things are easy to remember. Like the venue, the dress and so on.. But what about the guest book? And the pens for the guest book?
Not to discourage any of you new lovely brides out there. Wedding planning is amazing, and it does have it's perks. All I'm saying is don't assume you have everything under control too early. Assume you are missing something. Perhaps go to a wedding that is taking place before yours (that you are invited to of course!) and take a look at everything they pulled together.
You will really be surprised by what has slipped your pretty little mind..
Or am I crazy? Am I the only engaged woman going through this faze of wedding planning? I mean I could believe it if someone told me I was. Sadly I tend to be a bit scatter brained, and a bit of a procrastinator.. Which I have come to find is a really bad thing to be when it comes to weddings!
Trust me, figuring it all out.. And having it done months before your wedding.. Is a way better idea than letting it all wait and cramming it all into a month.
Mark my words.. The ride will be a bumpy one... Worth it in the end.. But bumpy none the less!
XOXO
Madison
Monday, November 17, 2014
A few wedding planning tips for the newly engaged..
Ladies, we all know what it feels like to daydream about that moment your man gets down on one knee, pulls out a ring box and pops the biggest and most important question you will ever hear in your life.. "Will you marry me?"... And you may also dream about some sappy adorable other things he will add in there when asking you to be his wife.
We dream about the gorgeous dress, the beautiful flowers and decorations.. We dream about a totally blissful, problem free engagement.. The wonderful cake, the constant grinning and fairy-tale feeling.. Well I hate to burst your bubble, but speaking as a girl that's been engaged for getting close to 8 months now.. It isn't all frills, bubbly-ness.. It isn't every single thing you have ever dreamed of since you were 6.
Now don't freak out, being engaged is wonderful.. If you have found the right man of course (don't settle!). And that moment he gets down on one knee is absolute bliss. You will have butterflies throughout your engagement, and planning a wedding can be very fun, and that moment you find your dress is unforgettable. So no, I am not trying to make this sound bad. I have absolutely loved this time.. For the most part.. I'm just bringing a little reality to your door step.
Planning a wedding, while fun, is very stressful. You never realize how much work it entails when you're out there daydreaming about it. And the money, holy cow.. Ouch! Weddings truly are a multi-million dollar industry! It really smacks you in the face with perspective.
Ladies.. Please do no let yourselves get caught up in going completely all out for your wedding.. Unless of course you really have the money to do so. Do keep certain things you have dreamed of, but definitely prioritize and figure out what means the most to you.. And budget! Don't just go into things blindly without setting certain amounts you want to spend on everything.
Remember that your wedding day fades.. And after that is real life. A wonderful life that you get to create with your new husband. And that right there is the most important part. Not whether or not you have the absolute best caterer, not whether your dress is designer or off the rack.. All those things fade into memories of one day.
Your wedding day IS important, never let anyone tell you otherwise. Just don't let it all go to your head. Don't let your self get into thinking that it's the biggest and most important thing ever.. It's okay to give up some things in order to have a good life in the after math of your wedding day. Is it really worth going into debt to get that limo that'll drive you a block away from your venue to get to your own car? It it?
For a while it was hard for me to come to terms that my wedding needed to be a budget wedding, I wanted EVERYTHING I had dreamed of. And I was prepared to do anything to make it happen. But then I talked to my very wise fiance, and a very wise newly-wed.. And they made me see the light.
Your wedding can be beautiful without squishing absolutely everything I found on Pinterest in there.
For me though a good wedding photographer and a good videographer meant a lot to me. So I didn't give those up, but I did choose other things to give up in order to have those.. Such as having the best venue out there, and having a bunch of flower arrangements. Like I said, prioritize, choose a few things you can't give up, then decide what you will give up in order to make them happen.
For me, keeping the memories of our wedding through video and pictures meant the most to me, it meant more than stuff and food that would disappear after on night.. I wanted something that would last forever..
So, what means the most to you?
We dream about the gorgeous dress, the beautiful flowers and decorations.. We dream about a totally blissful, problem free engagement.. The wonderful cake, the constant grinning and fairy-tale feeling.. Well I hate to burst your bubble, but speaking as a girl that's been engaged for getting close to 8 months now.. It isn't all frills, bubbly-ness.. It isn't every single thing you have ever dreamed of since you were 6.
Now don't freak out, being engaged is wonderful.. If you have found the right man of course (don't settle!). And that moment he gets down on one knee is absolute bliss. You will have butterflies throughout your engagement, and planning a wedding can be very fun, and that moment you find your dress is unforgettable. So no, I am not trying to make this sound bad. I have absolutely loved this time.. For the most part.. I'm just bringing a little reality to your door step.
Planning a wedding, while fun, is very stressful. You never realize how much work it entails when you're out there daydreaming about it. And the money, holy cow.. Ouch! Weddings truly are a multi-million dollar industry! It really smacks you in the face with perspective.
Ladies.. Please do no let yourselves get caught up in going completely all out for your wedding.. Unless of course you really have the money to do so. Do keep certain things you have dreamed of, but definitely prioritize and figure out what means the most to you.. And budget! Don't just go into things blindly without setting certain amounts you want to spend on everything.
Remember that your wedding day fades.. And after that is real life. A wonderful life that you get to create with your new husband. And that right there is the most important part. Not whether or not you have the absolute best caterer, not whether your dress is designer or off the rack.. All those things fade into memories of one day.
Your wedding day IS important, never let anyone tell you otherwise. Just don't let it all go to your head. Don't let your self get into thinking that it's the biggest and most important thing ever.. It's okay to give up some things in order to have a good life in the after math of your wedding day. Is it really worth going into debt to get that limo that'll drive you a block away from your venue to get to your own car? It it?
For a while it was hard for me to come to terms that my wedding needed to be a budget wedding, I wanted EVERYTHING I had dreamed of. And I was prepared to do anything to make it happen. But then I talked to my very wise fiance, and a very wise newly-wed.. And they made me see the light.
Your wedding can be beautiful without squishing absolutely everything I found on Pinterest in there.
For me though a good wedding photographer and a good videographer meant a lot to me. So I didn't give those up, but I did choose other things to give up in order to have those.. Such as having the best venue out there, and having a bunch of flower arrangements. Like I said, prioritize, choose a few things you can't give up, then decide what you will give up in order to make them happen.
For me, keeping the memories of our wedding through video and pictures meant the most to me, it meant more than stuff and food that would disappear after on night.. I wanted something that would last forever..
So, what means the most to you?
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Updates!
Well hello my lovely readers. Long time, no see.
Life's been busy, and I'm sure you can all relate. Life is a crazy roller coaster ride of emotions, and events, all coupled with seemingly not enough time in the day.
A few months back I went from a not very much happening in my life to a million things at once! So here are some updates!
If you didn't already know, I'm engaged! And to the most amazing man a girl could ask for. I didn't at all plan on this happening at this point in my life, but it is so true that sometimes the best things are the things least expected. Kevin is my better half, and he proposed in my favorite place, Disneyland! This all happened back in April and our wedding is set for February 14th 2015.. Yes a long engagement, but it is starting to sneak up on us quickly with a long list of things to do still. It'll be here before we know it! And by the way.. If you are wanting an invitation now is the time to give me your address! Because the time to send out invites is quickly approaching! Get on that guys!
I have a new job. A security receptionist. Yes, yes you can all laugh at that. It is just as ridiculous as it sounds. Especially for me. But for as much as I complain about it, it really isn't a bad job. And for the most part I really enjoy the people I work with. So I can't complain much..
Kevin is all officially moved in with me! Haters gonna hate on that ;) but it seriously was the best decision we have made. Thanks to my lovely mom it has been made possible. He has been moved in for a while now, and I now seriously question how anyone could get married to someone without living with them for a while first.. It has been a great relief to know what it is like to live with him, before just jumping into cold water and not knowing at all what it would be like. And I am sure he feels the same knowing what it is like to live with me. Living together is something you can't avoid in marriage.. And what if you just jump into it without sampling it first and decide you drive each other completely crazy? That is just my take on the subject, do with it what you will.
I have officially created a new blog! Yay! Go on over and look at it if your heart desires, though I will warn you it isn't going to be for everyone. You can find the link in my profile I'm sure. I am going to keep this blog about my life and it's quirky updates, and I am thinking I am going to make a third beauty blog.. I think that sounds fun! Hopefully it'll develop into something bigger!
Those are the biggest and most important updates! Life is moving fast! And sometimes I don't know what to do with myself!
Until next time..
Yours truly,
Madison
Life's been busy, and I'm sure you can all relate. Life is a crazy roller coaster ride of emotions, and events, all coupled with seemingly not enough time in the day.
A few months back I went from a not very much happening in my life to a million things at once! So here are some updates!
If you didn't already know, I'm engaged! And to the most amazing man a girl could ask for. I didn't at all plan on this happening at this point in my life, but it is so true that sometimes the best things are the things least expected. Kevin is my better half, and he proposed in my favorite place, Disneyland! This all happened back in April and our wedding is set for February 14th 2015.. Yes a long engagement, but it is starting to sneak up on us quickly with a long list of things to do still. It'll be here before we know it! And by the way.. If you are wanting an invitation now is the time to give me your address! Because the time to send out invites is quickly approaching! Get on that guys!
I have a new job. A security receptionist. Yes, yes you can all laugh at that. It is just as ridiculous as it sounds. Especially for me. But for as much as I complain about it, it really isn't a bad job. And for the most part I really enjoy the people I work with. So I can't complain much..
Kevin is all officially moved in with me! Haters gonna hate on that ;) but it seriously was the best decision we have made. Thanks to my lovely mom it has been made possible. He has been moved in for a while now, and I now seriously question how anyone could get married to someone without living with them for a while first.. It has been a great relief to know what it is like to live with him, before just jumping into cold water and not knowing at all what it would be like. And I am sure he feels the same knowing what it is like to live with me. Living together is something you can't avoid in marriage.. And what if you just jump into it without sampling it first and decide you drive each other completely crazy? That is just my take on the subject, do with it what you will.
I have officially created a new blog! Yay! Go on over and look at it if your heart desires, though I will warn you it isn't going to be for everyone. You can find the link in my profile I'm sure. I am going to keep this blog about my life and it's quirky updates, and I am thinking I am going to make a third beauty blog.. I think that sounds fun! Hopefully it'll develop into something bigger!
Those are the biggest and most important updates! Life is moving fast! And sometimes I don't know what to do with myself!
Until next time..
Yours truly,
Madison
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Warrior
Today I heard a song that gave me inspiration to write in my blog for the first time in a while..
I'm sorry I haven't been present guys.. Ya know.. For the few of you that actually read my blog.
Anyway.. This song just got me thinking about my life, and the choices I have made that have gotten me to where I am now. It's been a long and painful journey. Full of ups and downs. But I am so much better than I have ever been, so absolutely everything has been worth it.
Many people are very confused as to why I have taken the path I have. Some even think I am damned and that I'm going to Hell in the next life. Not many people around me still talk to me, because they fear my new life and the new me. I guess that is their own personal choice.. But I've always been kind of confused as to why they have to think that way.. Then I heard this song, and as cheesy as it may sound it made things a lot more clear to me. People often make me question the place I am in. Even though I feel stronger, sometimes I ask myself "should I really be here?".. Being on the side of things that I am isn't easy. I definitely didn't choose the popular things for life here in Utah.
I am the black sheep..
And I am a warrior..
My whole life I have felt the small spark in me for potential greatness.. For potential fight in me.. All I needed to do was let it in instead of fight against it.
I am Madison. And I am an Ex-Mormon.
I do not belong to a church. No that does not mean I don't believe in God. That just means that I do not believe in allowing someone else to dictate the ways that I will and will not believe. I also do not believe in the restricted ideas of God that people have created over an infinite amount of time. I do not believe in being conceited enough to say I have the one true religion and God out of the Nth amount of possibilities out there. I do not belong to a religion and that fact is very liberating for me.
I was born to walk against the crowd. I was born to explore. And I am finally free to walk that path. I am very spiritual. I do very strongly believe in a God. Whether that be a person, a spirit, an energy, or simply all of us put together.. I don't know. I believe in angels, and I believe in their divine purposes. But I will not tell people I have all the answers, I do not follow a set of rules someone else creates for me, I do not believe in any book that has been constantly changed over time in order to fit in with modern society. Simply put I am not at all a fan of organized religion.
I believe that in order to ascend into our higher selves, and to truly allow our spirits to be free "organization" is nothing but stifling. We need a bit of chaos. We need to be able to think outside of the box without anyone telling us to stop. We need to be able to explore all the different dimensions of ideas and possibilities. We need to be able to truly think for ourselves without someone whispering in our ear how and when to do it. Doubts should be alive and real. Opinions should be open and challenged. Personal truths should not be talked about as fact. And opinions should not be mistaken for truth. We should not be reigned in when we have so much potential for greatness.
Freedom is not real when you are "organized". That is called being programmed.
Dare to step outside of the box.
Take it from me it isn't easy. Take it from the very much famous Kate Kelly. Take it from Ghandi. Take it from whoever you want that has been known for being different..
It isn't easy.. But it is very worth it. There is nothing wrong with being different, and wanting so much more out of life.. Wanting to see the human race shine brighter than ever before.
Why do we as human beings crave organization and constant rules? When we were built to be totally unique and outstanding.
We need to stop stifling ourselves.. But that won't happen when 98% of us don't even notice that they are being completely held back..
We have this concept pounded into our very beings that belonging to a group of people that think the same is the way to go.. Even when you don't really think like them.. And trust me, you do not think like them, and they do not think like you. I do not care if you belong to the same religion or the same political party or the same book club.. Your thought processes and your beliefs are NOT the same.. Stop tricking yourselves into thinking that is the case.
I am a warrior. I am disliked by many for speaking out against what is popular. I think outside the box. I walk against that crowd that is heading off the cliff. I have created my own beliefs..
And I will never be held back again. I will never be stifled again. I will not be silenced. I will continue to grow.
And I dare you to dive into the waters of the deeply unknown with me..
You may end up thanking me.
You do not need anyone to save you, or anyone's idea of God and the afterlife to save you.. Saving yourself is up to you.. And until you do you are never really safe..
Chaos is beauty.
"In the sky there is no distinction of East and West, people create distinctions out of their own minds and then believe them to be true."
-Buddha
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell."
-Buddha
"Believe nothing. No matter where you read it, or who said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense."
-Buddha
"Peace doesn't require two people, it requires only one. It has to be you. The problem begins and ends there."
-Byron Katie
"I don't let go of concepts. I question them. And then they let go of me."
-Byron Katie
"My grandfather told me that there are two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try and be in the first group; there was much less competition."
-Indira Ghandi
"First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win."
-Mahatma Ghandi
This is a story that I have never told
I'm sorry I haven't been present guys.. Ya know.. For the few of you that actually read my blog.
Anyway.. This song just got me thinking about my life, and the choices I have made that have gotten me to where I am now. It's been a long and painful journey. Full of ups and downs. But I am so much better than I have ever been, so absolutely everything has been worth it.
Many people are very confused as to why I have taken the path I have. Some even think I am damned and that I'm going to Hell in the next life. Not many people around me still talk to me, because they fear my new life and the new me. I guess that is their own personal choice.. But I've always been kind of confused as to why they have to think that way.. Then I heard this song, and as cheesy as it may sound it made things a lot more clear to me. People often make me question the place I am in. Even though I feel stronger, sometimes I ask myself "should I really be here?".. Being on the side of things that I am isn't easy. I definitely didn't choose the popular things for life here in Utah.
I am the black sheep..
And I am a warrior..
My whole life I have felt the small spark in me for potential greatness.. For potential fight in me.. All I needed to do was let it in instead of fight against it.
I am Madison. And I am an Ex-Mormon.
I do not belong to a church. No that does not mean I don't believe in God. That just means that I do not believe in allowing someone else to dictate the ways that I will and will not believe. I also do not believe in the restricted ideas of God that people have created over an infinite amount of time. I do not believe in being conceited enough to say I have the one true religion and God out of the Nth amount of possibilities out there. I do not belong to a religion and that fact is very liberating for me.
I was born to walk against the crowd. I was born to explore. And I am finally free to walk that path. I am very spiritual. I do very strongly believe in a God. Whether that be a person, a spirit, an energy, or simply all of us put together.. I don't know. I believe in angels, and I believe in their divine purposes. But I will not tell people I have all the answers, I do not follow a set of rules someone else creates for me, I do not believe in any book that has been constantly changed over time in order to fit in with modern society. Simply put I am not at all a fan of organized religion.
I believe that in order to ascend into our higher selves, and to truly allow our spirits to be free "organization" is nothing but stifling. We need a bit of chaos. We need to be able to think outside of the box without anyone telling us to stop. We need to be able to explore all the different dimensions of ideas and possibilities. We need to be able to truly think for ourselves without someone whispering in our ear how and when to do it. Doubts should be alive and real. Opinions should be open and challenged. Personal truths should not be talked about as fact. And opinions should not be mistaken for truth. We should not be reigned in when we have so much potential for greatness.
Freedom is not real when you are "organized". That is called being programmed.
Dare to step outside of the box.
Take it from me it isn't easy. Take it from the very much famous Kate Kelly. Take it from Ghandi. Take it from whoever you want that has been known for being different..
It isn't easy.. But it is very worth it. There is nothing wrong with being different, and wanting so much more out of life.. Wanting to see the human race shine brighter than ever before.
Why do we as human beings crave organization and constant rules? When we were built to be totally unique and outstanding.
We need to stop stifling ourselves.. But that won't happen when 98% of us don't even notice that they are being completely held back..
We have this concept pounded into our very beings that belonging to a group of people that think the same is the way to go.. Even when you don't really think like them.. And trust me, you do not think like them, and they do not think like you. I do not care if you belong to the same religion or the same political party or the same book club.. Your thought processes and your beliefs are NOT the same.. Stop tricking yourselves into thinking that is the case.
I am a warrior. I am disliked by many for speaking out against what is popular. I think outside the box. I walk against that crowd that is heading off the cliff. I have created my own beliefs..
And I will never be held back again. I will never be stifled again. I will not be silenced. I will continue to grow.
And I dare you to dive into the waters of the deeply unknown with me..
You may end up thanking me.
You do not need anyone to save you, or anyone's idea of God and the afterlife to save you.. Saving yourself is up to you.. And until you do you are never really safe..
Chaos is beauty.
"In the sky there is no distinction of East and West, people create distinctions out of their own minds and then believe them to be true."
-Buddha
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell."
-Buddha
"Believe nothing. No matter where you read it, or who said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense."
-Buddha
"Peace doesn't require two people, it requires only one. It has to be you. The problem begins and ends there."
-Byron Katie
"I don't let go of concepts. I question them. And then they let go of me."
-Byron Katie
"My grandfather told me that there are two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try and be in the first group; there was much less competition."
-Indira Ghandi
"First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win."
-Mahatma Ghandi
This is a story that I have never told
I gotta get this off my chest to let it go
I need to take back the light inside you stole
You're a criminal
And you steal like you're a pro
All the pain and the truth
I wear like a battle wound
So ashamed, so confused
I was broken and bruised
Now I'm a warrior
Now I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior
I'm stronger than I've ever been
And my armor, is made of steel, you can't get in
I'm a warrior
And you can never hurt me again
Out of the ashes, I'm burning like a fire
You cansave your apologies, you're nothing but a liar
I've got shame, I've got scars
That I will never show
I'm a survivor
In more ways than you know
Cause all the pain and the truth
I wear like a battle wound
So ashamed, so confused
I'm not broken or bruised
'Cause now I'm a warrior
Now I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior
I'm stronger than I've ever been
And my armor, is made of steel, you can't get in
I'm a warrior
And you can never hurt me
There's a part of me I can't get back
A little girl grew up toofast
All it took was once, I'll never be the same
Now I'm taking back my life today
Nothing left that you can say
Cause you are never gonna take the blame anyway
Now I'm a warrior
I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior
I'm stronger than I've ever been
And my armor, is made of steel, you can't get in
I'm a warrior
And you can never hurt me again
No oh, yeah, yeah
You can never hurt me again
I need to take back the light inside you stole
You're a criminal
And you steal like you're a pro
All the pain and the truth
I wear like a battle wound
So ashamed, so confused
I was broken and bruised
Now I'm a warrior
Now I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior
I'm stronger than I've ever been
And my armor, is made of steel, you can't get in
I'm a warrior
And you can never hurt me again
Out of the ashes, I'm burning like a fire
You can
I've got shame, I've got scars
That I will never show
I'm a survivor
In more ways than you know
Cause all the pain and the truth
I wear like a battle wound
So ashamed, so confused
I'm not broken or bruised
'Cause now I'm a warrior
Now I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior
I'm stronger than I've ever been
And my armor, is made of steel, you can't get in
I'm a warrior
And you can never hurt me
There's a part of me I can't get back
A little girl grew up too
All it took was once, I'll never be the same
Now I'm taking back my life today
Nothing left that you can say
Cause you are never gonna take the blame anyway
Now I'm a warrior
I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior
I'm stronger than I've ever been
And my armor, is made of steel, you can't get in
I'm a warrior
And you can never hurt me again
No oh, yeah, yeah
You can never hurt me again
Saturday, April 26, 2014
The thin line between the fake order and the very real chaos.
I was told just a little earlier today by someone very close to me that I should be some type of motivational speaker. He said this because of the conversation we were having at the time. It certain ways it was deep and thought provoking, at least on my part, because I tend to enjoy expanding upon things and thinking critically (even when it isn't necessarily needed). I've been like this basically my whole life (but especially within the past two years), I refuse to conform, I do not believe in absolute truths, I think critically, I am open to all sorts of ideas and opinions, I research and study things in order to be as educated as I can, I do not follow blindly, I do not choose to believe things based off of anyone else's idea but instead based upon my own... Generally in most situations, I tend to go left when most people go right (metaphorically speaking of course). Like I told this person, I am a black sheep. And basically every person that is close to me in this life are black sheep as well.. Because I no longer embrace the fake idea of "order" that humans have created, and I do not surround myself with many things or people that do.
I laughed when this person told me I should be a motivational speaker. I have had many people before him tell me the same thing. Or something close to the same thing. That I should right a book, or speak, or teach classes... And every time I have tended to just laugh it off. They all say that they would support me, because they find the things say, do, think, and study thought provoking and interesting. But I laugh because the people telling me this are mainly black sheep like me.. They are already on the road to being different and open. They are not the stubborn minds that most human beings have become throughout the beginning of time.
Most of the things I do, say, and think, are for me. To help me become a better person, a more educated person, a more well rounded person. They haven't really been for others, although I do really enjoy when someone is willing to listen to me, or even sometimes learns something from me. I won't lie, there is a sense of joy that comes from that. But the main reason I do it all mainly for myself, is because I am someone who is not popularly accepted. Not at all. At least not around here where I live. If anything I am outcast and shunned.
Why is this? Because around here is one of the most stubborn places, I think, in the world. Simply because it is very religiously run. Religion and politics are the two things that very strongly run this world. Not much else has a say anymore. And in both of these things there is no room for free thinking or branching out. There is only "right" and "wrong", opinions that are supposed to be believed as fact, and leaders that practically program their followers.
No one thinks for themselves anymore. They choose to cling on to another persons belief system and become controlled by that instead of finding their own. It is all part of the thin veil of fake order that people have been constructing forever. And I am someone who yanks on that.
Around here, and in more and more places that is not okay.
When someone like me yanks on that thin veil the huge group of people on the other side get a glimpse of what the world really is. And in that small glimpse all chaos breaks loose. They realize that the beliefs and opinions they have been desperately, and unrelentingly, holding on to may not be absolute truths but instead are just simple ideas. They see the uncertainty. They see that everything is much much bigger than they would like to think, and they hate it. People thrive on certainty and simplicity. And they do not like it when they are reminded that neither one ever really existed.
Since the beginning of time people have been trying to change the world so that they can be happy and comfortable. This hasn't ever worked, because it approaches the problem backward. What "the work" gives us is a way to change the projector- mind - rather than the projected. It's like when there is a piece of lint on a projectors lens. We think there's a flaw in the screen, and we try to change this person and that person, whomever the flaw appears on next. But it's futile to try and change the projected images. Once we realize where the lint is, we can clear the lens itself. This is the end of suffering, and the beginning of a little joy in paradise.
People tend to enjoy making it their job to fix everyone, to mold them to their standards. And that is where the problems originate. Everyone has their own reality, their own sense of right and wrong, and so on. No two are the same. What is comfortable for you, is completely wrong to your neighbor. Accepting that no one needs to be saved, that no one will ever think the same, or want the same things... Accepting that everyone has their own reality... That is where the solution starts.
I laughed when this person told me I should be a motivational speaker. I have had many people before him tell me the same thing. Or something close to the same thing. That I should right a book, or speak, or teach classes... And every time I have tended to just laugh it off. They all say that they would support me, because they find the things say, do, think, and study thought provoking and interesting. But I laugh because the people telling me this are mainly black sheep like me.. They are already on the road to being different and open. They are not the stubborn minds that most human beings have become throughout the beginning of time.
Most of the things I do, say, and think, are for me. To help me become a better person, a more educated person, a more well rounded person. They haven't really been for others, although I do really enjoy when someone is willing to listen to me, or even sometimes learns something from me. I won't lie, there is a sense of joy that comes from that. But the main reason I do it all mainly for myself, is because I am someone who is not popularly accepted. Not at all. At least not around here where I live. If anything I am outcast and shunned.
Why is this? Because around here is one of the most stubborn places, I think, in the world. Simply because it is very religiously run. Religion and politics are the two things that very strongly run this world. Not much else has a say anymore. And in both of these things there is no room for free thinking or branching out. There is only "right" and "wrong", opinions that are supposed to be believed as fact, and leaders that practically program their followers.
No one thinks for themselves anymore. They choose to cling on to another persons belief system and become controlled by that instead of finding their own. It is all part of the thin veil of fake order that people have been constructing forever. And I am someone who yanks on that.
Around here, and in more and more places that is not okay.
When someone like me yanks on that thin veil the huge group of people on the other side get a glimpse of what the world really is. And in that small glimpse all chaos breaks loose. They realize that the beliefs and opinions they have been desperately, and unrelentingly, holding on to may not be absolute truths but instead are just simple ideas. They see the uncertainty. They see that everything is much much bigger than they would like to think, and they hate it. People thrive on certainty and simplicity. And they do not like it when they are reminded that neither one ever really existed.
Since the beginning of time people have been trying to change the world so that they can be happy and comfortable. This hasn't ever worked, because it approaches the problem backward. What "the work" gives us is a way to change the projector- mind - rather than the projected. It's like when there is a piece of lint on a projectors lens. We think there's a flaw in the screen, and we try to change this person and that person, whomever the flaw appears on next. But it's futile to try and change the projected images. Once we realize where the lint is, we can clear the lens itself. This is the end of suffering, and the beginning of a little joy in paradise.
People tend to enjoy making it their job to fix everyone, to mold them to their standards. And that is where the problems originate. Everyone has their own reality, their own sense of right and wrong, and so on. No two are the same. What is comfortable for you, is completely wrong to your neighbor. Accepting that no one needs to be saved, that no one will ever think the same, or want the same things... Accepting that everyone has their own reality... That is where the solution starts.
Thursday, April 10, 2014
The Parable Of The Duck
Last year around this time, the beautiful transition between summer and spring, my mom and I decided to go feed the ducks down by Flowserve in Springville, Utah. It's something we've always enjoyed doing, and it was a lazy day, not filled with much to do, so we grabbed some older bread and we set off to go feed the ducks.
Me being the person I am, I instantly took notice of the tiny (and fluffy) baby ducks sweetly following their momma. They were making the cutest little squeaking noises and waddling around on their young unstable legs. Of course the mom didn't want them any where near me though, so they very quickly took the plunge into the cold water, and then they were gone down stream. Leaving me wishing I had a baby duck to call my very own, and perhaps name it squishy.
As these sweet little ducklings floated further down stream I decided it was probably time to turn around and greet the mob of adult ducks that had very quickly gathered around me. I instantly noticed two ducks in particular though... They were shying away from the mob seemingly uncertain of what to do, obviously wanting bread like the others, but not brave enough to take a step forward into the ever growing group of ducks. It very quickly became very obvious why...
One of the ducks was a beautiful pure white, with a bright orange beak, and bright orange feet... Only this duck wasn't normal. It was missing its eyes, and it was covered in old scars, and new wounds alike. He had so many bald spots which I am almost sure were way past the point of growing any of his gorgeous white feathers back... And he was standing very timidly behind a very strong and sleek black duck, with amazing blue feathers accenting his wings. This black duck wasn't completely perfect either, while he was not nearly as beat up as his friend was, he too had bald spots, and spots crusted in blood. But unlike his friend he held his head high, and he made certain that he was always in contact with the poor white duck behind him, always touching and always protectively in front.
While I could pretty easily guess what the problem was with these two ducks, it became painfully obvious very quickly. As soon as the growing crowd of ducks noticed I was giving attention to these two lonely ducks, they swarmed. Viciously and mercilessly pecking at this poor white duck who was completely and utterly terrified. They were pecking at his already open wounds and at the places where his eyes had been, the eyes that these other ducks had so brutally taken from him however long ago.
As I was helplessly trying to intervene I watched as something amazing happened... The beautiful black duck stood between the angry mob and the blind duck, and he fought back. While he still could not completely protect his friend from every blow, he still did absolutely everything he could to stop what was happening. He took blows to his magnificent wings, and his sleek feathers that covered his body. He flapped his wings viciously, and he bit and pecked back... All the while the white duck was clinging to him like a life line. And I watched as all of the other ducks backed away and gave up the fight.
My eyes began to brim with tears over the helplessness and sadness I felt looking at this once perfect white duck, who had the unfortunate luck of becoming the one that everyone tormented... All except one. His one magnificent friend, who was now nudging him reassuringly, and allowing him to cling to his side. His one friend who had chosen to go against the crowd and courageously stand up against something he knew was wrong and wasn't willing to partake in. His one friend who chose to put himself in harms way, in order to fight for someone else who he knew couldn't do it alone.
This black duck may not have been able to stop the others from taking his friends eyes, or inflicting wounds that would probably never completely heal... But he gave him hope. While this white duck lived in complete darkness and fear, the black duck taught him to keep his beak up against his wing so he always knew where he was walking, he made sure his friend got pieces of bread that he otherwise would not of got. He made clucking noises at his blinded friend in order to let him know different things, and he helped as his friend struggled to get in the water like all the others. This gorgeous black duck with the blue wings gave his friend light when there was none, he gave him hope when it all seemed lost, he gave him a chance when there wasn't one, he gave him a friend when there was none, he gave him a life even when it might have seemed bleak...
My heart broke having to leave them there. But they also helped to teach me a lesson I won't soon forget.
In this life we are faced with so many choices. The choice to do good or bad. To do what is popular, or what is needed. That black duck went up against all odds, he went against the crowd and fought hard for what he knew he had to do, even when it meant great sacrifice for himself. And though I know none of it could have been easy, it was obviously worth it.
Sometimes the right and kind thing to do isn't the easy, fun or popular choice... But none of those things matter in the end.
I know I would so much rather be that little black duck, being the only thing standing between a helpless victim and an angry mob, than be part of that mob inflicting so much pain. Doing the socially accepted thing or the popular thing does not mean you are doing the right thing.
I strive for kindness, helpfulness, and love each and every day. I know a lot of things I choose aren't necessarily the popular thing, and often I get ridiculed for that. But I refuse to stand down when I know the right thing must be done.
So... What side are you on?
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Why no organized religion really exists.
Basically my whole inspiration for this particular post stems from one of my most recent status updates on Facebook. Really, it created quite an uproar. I started receiving a wide amount of messages right after I posted it, all ranging from agreeing with me, appreciating saying something when they didn't have the courage to, curiosity, debate, and of course the very famous doing exactly what I had just asked everyone NOT to do.
If you don't already know.. This status consisted of me asking everyone to basically leave me alone in their never ending quest to convert me back to Mormonism.. It is something I have no interest in doing ever again, and I really would appreciate it if people would stop. I never expected it to cause such a wide variety of emotions, and uprisings.
But one thing one person in particular said (and of course I will not be disclosing any of their personal information) really struck me. For purposes of this particular post I will be referring to them as "Bob" from here on out.... Bob said and I quote, "Maybe you were just taught wrong".
I will be completely frank... That instantly struck me as one of the most idiotic and ignorant things a person has ever said to me. I honestly do not mean to be rude when I say that, even though it definitely comes across that way. I simply mean that in just those few words that Bob said, all I could picture was a stubborn child, plugging his ears and closing his eyes, and screaming "LA LA LA LA" in order to not hear his mother tell him something he obviously didn't want to hear. And in a way I was dumbfounded...
Not necessarily dumbfounded by Bob in particular... But by the fact that he so obviously didn't want to hear what I had to say, even when he asked to hear it... And by the fact that I have heard basically the exact same thing come out of the mouths of fully grown adults who have heard exactly what they don't want to hear... It comes from them when someone does something differently than they do, or when they teach differently... And most importantly it comes when they feel defeated, but do not want to admit it. It is a stubborn and ignorant statement. And the equivalent to when a child closes his eyes and plugs his ears.
And this is why there is no such thing as any true blue organized religion on this Earth. And it is because everyone does the same thing Bob did. They throw their hands in the air and say "you must have been taught wrong" when they hear something they don't agree with. But here is the thing.. The real kicker... There is no possible way that two people in the exact same religion could ever be "taught wrong". Each person is taught the exact same doctrine. There is a set curriculum in Sunday school, people get the same lessons, read the same books. It is the SAME. The thing that differs is the people.. And that is where everything goes astray.
You could ask two people to read the exact same verse in, say, the Doctrine and Covenants, and they would get two totally different things from it. Some would use the excuse that you are meant to get many different things from each verse, and for arguments sake, lets say that is true.. Those two people still wouldn't see the exact same things on the same topic. Why? Because they are tailoring it to themselves. They are tailoring things to THEIR needs, to what makes THEM comfortable, what makes THEM happy.
And then guess what.. BAM everyone has created their own little religion inside a bigger one. So people call themselves Mormon, or Baptist, or Catholic, or whatever.. When they aren't. No one belongs to the religion they think they do. They belong to what they have created in their minds..
Because guess what? Everyone has their own reality. Everyone has their own story. And no one will ever be the same or think the same.. Not even close.
Organized religion does not exist. It never has.
There is only beautiful chaos.
If you don't already know.. This status consisted of me asking everyone to basically leave me alone in their never ending quest to convert me back to Mormonism.. It is something I have no interest in doing ever again, and I really would appreciate it if people would stop. I never expected it to cause such a wide variety of emotions, and uprisings.
But one thing one person in particular said (and of course I will not be disclosing any of their personal information) really struck me. For purposes of this particular post I will be referring to them as "Bob" from here on out.... Bob said and I quote, "Maybe you were just taught wrong".
I will be completely frank... That instantly struck me as one of the most idiotic and ignorant things a person has ever said to me. I honestly do not mean to be rude when I say that, even though it definitely comes across that way. I simply mean that in just those few words that Bob said, all I could picture was a stubborn child, plugging his ears and closing his eyes, and screaming "LA LA LA LA" in order to not hear his mother tell him something he obviously didn't want to hear. And in a way I was dumbfounded...
Not necessarily dumbfounded by Bob in particular... But by the fact that he so obviously didn't want to hear what I had to say, even when he asked to hear it... And by the fact that I have heard basically the exact same thing come out of the mouths of fully grown adults who have heard exactly what they don't want to hear... It comes from them when someone does something differently than they do, or when they teach differently... And most importantly it comes when they feel defeated, but do not want to admit it. It is a stubborn and ignorant statement. And the equivalent to when a child closes his eyes and plugs his ears.
And this is why there is no such thing as any true blue organized religion on this Earth. And it is because everyone does the same thing Bob did. They throw their hands in the air and say "you must have been taught wrong" when they hear something they don't agree with. But here is the thing.. The real kicker... There is no possible way that two people in the exact same religion could ever be "taught wrong". Each person is taught the exact same doctrine. There is a set curriculum in Sunday school, people get the same lessons, read the same books. It is the SAME. The thing that differs is the people.. And that is where everything goes astray.
You could ask two people to read the exact same verse in, say, the Doctrine and Covenants, and they would get two totally different things from it. Some would use the excuse that you are meant to get many different things from each verse, and for arguments sake, lets say that is true.. Those two people still wouldn't see the exact same things on the same topic. Why? Because they are tailoring it to themselves. They are tailoring things to THEIR needs, to what makes THEM comfortable, what makes THEM happy.
And then guess what.. BAM everyone has created their own little religion inside a bigger one. So people call themselves Mormon, or Baptist, or Catholic, or whatever.. When they aren't. No one belongs to the religion they think they do. They belong to what they have created in their minds..
Because guess what? Everyone has their own reality. Everyone has their own story. And no one will ever be the same or think the same.. Not even close.
Organized religion does not exist. It never has.
There is only beautiful chaos.
Friday, March 21, 2014
100 days. A million reasons.
I have very recently heard about a challenge, inspiring a movement, that I can wholeheartedly say I am more than excited to participate in.
#100HappyDays
Some people seem to be treating it a lot like "grateful November" but I am choosing to see it in a different way, and participate in it in a different way... To me it isn't so much about what you are grateful for, but what it is that makes you happy, and what makes a happy life. Perhaps those are the exact same things for you... And perhaps they are not. For me personally they aren't necessarily the same so much as similar.. But in the end I figure there isn't really a "correct" way of doing this, as long as you are honestly trying, and not just going a long with the motions of what's trending in social media.
Maybe I'm behind on this craze... I usually am. But I absolutely love the idea of this. We all need to learn to slow down our lives, and instead of rushing, just savor. We need to go back to our roots, back to simplicity, back to happiness. It seems to be so easy to forget what is good, and instead just focus on what seems to be bad.
So here it goes. My journey in the 100 happy days movement. If you want to follow me more closely in this, watch my Facebook, or my instagram (madimemory).
And maybe you'll be inspired to join too.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Come What May
The world is full of so much chaos and ruin. Both of which people are constantly obsessed with trying to control. We all have an illusion that if we can limit the amount of horrible things that happen in our lives we will be able to more fully achieve the happiness we seek. But the thing we seem to be constantly over looking is that our lives are not the things full of chaos and pain, and the ruin that comes along with those things, it is just the world that is chaotic. And we have absolutely no control over that.
We live in a universe that we cannot really touch. The planet keeps spinning, and time keeps ticking, no matter how much we try to influence it. Bad things will always happen without us being able to sense them coming. Pain will always be felt, hearts will always be broken...
And I will continue to be amazed by how completely beautiful every disaster is.
I may not be able to stop the horrors that touch my life, or the lives of those I love. But I am able to embrace them, and be able to continue living in bliss as they rage around me... And I will always continue to be utterly, and completely, grateful for each and every one of them. Because without them the good that comes after them would have never been found.. If one little thing had gone differently I would not be with my soul-mate... I would not see the happiness spark inside my mom's eyes that I have so longed to see for years... I would not be able to foresee the utter beauty that my sister's life will become after the monster that is highschool... I would not be able to see the release my dad feels after so long of being caged inside the insanity circle that was created... Without it I would not be able to watch as my brother tries to come back to himself.
The ruin that has taken place in my life is completely beautiful to behold.
It has always simply been mind over matter. Terrible things may happen in our lives, but that does not make life an ugly thing. Wars may be raging, cancer may continue to horribly effect people's lives, hearts may continue to be broken, loved ones may continue to die... But that does not mean we have to live in misery. Misery does not bring happiness. Letting go brings happiness. In the moments where we let go of the illusion of control are when we are the happiest... When we are no longer fighting against the impossible battle, and we are just simply being, that is when we can truly be free.
There is true and complete peace to be found in simply doing nothing. There is true peace in simply living.
Look to those who seem to be bearing some of the worst trials, and notice how at peace they seem... And choose to learn from them. Even in the worst of times, even in the most desperate of times, we can still find the beauty in the disaster.
It is not YOUR life that is chaotic. It never has been, not even for a second. It is just the world around you that is. You can choose to feel nothing but pain in the bleak times, but you can also choose to feel gratitude for what you have that is beautifully good. Be grateful that you exist. Be grateful for those you are close with. Be grateful for what you are learning every day. Just simply be.
Simplicity can bring so much happiness...
I have found the following quote from my favorite non-fiction story (Eat Pray Love) to be extremely helpful in learning how to go about life. It is directed towards an ex-boyfriend.. But can be applied to almost any situation:
We live in a universe that we cannot really touch. The planet keeps spinning, and time keeps ticking, no matter how much we try to influence it. Bad things will always happen without us being able to sense them coming. Pain will always be felt, hearts will always be broken...
And I will continue to be amazed by how completely beautiful every disaster is.
I may not be able to stop the horrors that touch my life, or the lives of those I love. But I am able to embrace them, and be able to continue living in bliss as they rage around me... And I will always continue to be utterly, and completely, grateful for each and every one of them. Because without them the good that comes after them would have never been found.. If one little thing had gone differently I would not be with my soul-mate... I would not see the happiness spark inside my mom's eyes that I have so longed to see for years... I would not be able to foresee the utter beauty that my sister's life will become after the monster that is highschool... I would not be able to see the release my dad feels after so long of being caged inside the insanity circle that was created... Without it I would not be able to watch as my brother tries to come back to himself.
The ruin that has taken place in my life is completely beautiful to behold.
It has always simply been mind over matter. Terrible things may happen in our lives, but that does not make life an ugly thing. Wars may be raging, cancer may continue to horribly effect people's lives, hearts may continue to be broken, loved ones may continue to die... But that does not mean we have to live in misery. Misery does not bring happiness. Letting go brings happiness. In the moments where we let go of the illusion of control are when we are the happiest... When we are no longer fighting against the impossible battle, and we are just simply being, that is when we can truly be free.
There is true and complete peace to be found in simply doing nothing. There is true peace in simply living.
Look to those who seem to be bearing some of the worst trials, and notice how at peace they seem... And choose to learn from them. Even in the worst of times, even in the most desperate of times, we can still find the beauty in the disaster.
It is not YOUR life that is chaotic. It never has been, not even for a second. It is just the world around you that is. You can choose to feel nothing but pain in the bleak times, but you can also choose to feel gratitude for what you have that is beautifully good. Be grateful that you exist. Be grateful for those you are close with. Be grateful for what you are learning every day. Just simply be.
Simplicity can bring so much happiness...
I have found the following quote from my favorite non-fiction story (Eat Pray Love) to be extremely helpful in learning how to go about life. It is directed towards an ex-boyfriend.. But can be applied to almost any situation:
Dear David,
We haven’t had any communication in a while, and it’s given me time I needed to think.
Remember when you said we should live with each other and be unhappy so we could be happy? Consider it a testimony to how much I love you that I spent so long pouring myself into that offer, trying to make it work.
But my friend took me to the most amazing place the other day, it’s called the Augusteum. Octavian Augustus built it to house his remains. When the barbarians came, they trashed it along with everything else. The great Augustus, Rome’s first true great Emperor, how could he have imagined that Rome, the whole world as far as he was concerned, would one day be in ruins?
It’s one of the quietest and loneliest places in Rome. The city has grown up, around it over centuries, feels like a precious wound, like a heartache you won’t let go of…as it hurts too good. We all want things to stay the same, David. Settle for living in misery because we’re afraid of change, of things crumbling to ruins.
Then I looked around this place, at the chaos it’s endured, the way it’s been adapted, burnt, pillaged then found a way to build itself back up again and I was reassured. Maybe my life hasn’t been so chaotic, it’s just the world that is and the only real trap is getting attached to any of it.
Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.
Even in this eternal city, the Augusteum showed me that we must always be prepared for endless waves of transformation.
Both of us deserve better than staying together because we’re afraid we’ll be destroyed if we don’t.
And with that... I leave you.
Saturday, March 15, 2014
Every Saint is a Sinner.
The past few years of my life have kind of been insane. A roller coaster ride of emotions, decisions, heart breaks, mistakes, love, and lies. I've had to make some of the hardest decisions, and stand by and watch as others broke my heart and made mistakes. And I have actively participated in every second of it, I have actively brought myself to the place I am in right now.... And I can honestly say that even if I had the opportunity to go back and change things, I wouldn't. Not because I enjoyed it all, because I definitely didn't... But because it has brought me to where I am now, and the knowledge I have now, and I wouldn't trade that for anything.
Every moment of our lives brings us to where we are now, in this very moment. Are you happy with that? Or not? Things may not be easy, life is messy and chaotic and painful... But the only question is, has it made you a better person? Or a worse person?
We should never be afraid to fall apart. To let life happen, and sometimes break us down into a sobbing mess. Because when you do it is the perfect opportunity to rebuild yourself into what you wish you had been all along. And that is the greatest blessing of all. The only thing we have to do is be brave enough to see it that way.
Life is chaos. At least my life is, in my perspective. And for that I am grateful. I have learned to never again live my life for others. I have learned to love myself as a whole, mind, body, and spirit. I have learned who is really there for me, and who isn't. I have met wonderful people, and awful people, and learned amazing things from both. I have learned to better recognize blessings in my life. I have come to see God in a totally different way than I ever did before... And I have learned to be in love with my life.
No I am not always happy. No I don't lead a completely exciting life. But that's okay, because it is mine to do with what I will.
I have dealt with people treating me less than kindly. I have been judged more harshly than I ever thought I would be. I have lost those I have held closest to my heart. But I have also become more free than ever, I have learned what real love and support is, I have created boundaries I have always seriously needed... And so much more.
And one thing that I have learned above all is that my life has perhaps, not actually, been as chaotic as I have thought. It is merely the world that is so chaotic, and it is constantly bringing changes that we can never really anticipate. We can always control our own personal lives, what we cannot control is the world around us, and the people that occupy it. So why is it that we always hold ourselves accountable for the things we have zero control over, and never for the things we have 100% control over?
I have learned to do nothing but enjoy the ride. I refuse to feel guilt over what isn't my fault. I refuse to look to others for the happiness I seek. I refuse to limit myself to another persons idea of God. I refuse to hold onto hurt and pain others bring into my life, because in the end it was never up to me.
I allow everyone to judge me how they may (because I always know they will no matter what I do) without it ever touching me. I only allow a very select few people into my life, because I would so much rather only have a few close people around me who really care, than a huge group who couldn't really care less in the end.
Ruin is a gift. It always has been. Ruin is part of the road to transformation. You can't rebuild a city after a storm rages if it is not first torn down.
Every saint is a sinner. And every sinner is a saint. Those covered in tattoos and piercings that never attend church are often much kinder than those who have perfect attendance on Sundays. Beauty is in the soul. We must stop wearing our wishbones, where our backbones should be. I am completely baffled by the idea of a deity who takes attendance, instead of just paying attention to peoples actions.
Happiness is only a consequence of personal effort. It always has been that, and nothing more. You must fight for it, strive for it, and insist upon it. You must always participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings, instead of just sitting around wondering where they are. And once you have achieved that state of happiness you must never become lazy about maintaining it, or it will wither away quicker than it came. You have to always be making an effort to swim towards the top of it, and always stay afloat.
Every moment of our lives brings us to where we are now, in this very moment. Are you happy with that? Or not? Things may not be easy, life is messy and chaotic and painful... But the only question is, has it made you a better person? Or a worse person?
We should never be afraid to fall apart. To let life happen, and sometimes break us down into a sobbing mess. Because when you do it is the perfect opportunity to rebuild yourself into what you wish you had been all along. And that is the greatest blessing of all. The only thing we have to do is be brave enough to see it that way.
Life is chaos. At least my life is, in my perspective. And for that I am grateful. I have learned to never again live my life for others. I have learned to love myself as a whole, mind, body, and spirit. I have learned who is really there for me, and who isn't. I have met wonderful people, and awful people, and learned amazing things from both. I have learned to better recognize blessings in my life. I have come to see God in a totally different way than I ever did before... And I have learned to be in love with my life.
No I am not always happy. No I don't lead a completely exciting life. But that's okay, because it is mine to do with what I will.
I have dealt with people treating me less than kindly. I have been judged more harshly than I ever thought I would be. I have lost those I have held closest to my heart. But I have also become more free than ever, I have learned what real love and support is, I have created boundaries I have always seriously needed... And so much more.
And one thing that I have learned above all is that my life has perhaps, not actually, been as chaotic as I have thought. It is merely the world that is so chaotic, and it is constantly bringing changes that we can never really anticipate. We can always control our own personal lives, what we cannot control is the world around us, and the people that occupy it. So why is it that we always hold ourselves accountable for the things we have zero control over, and never for the things we have 100% control over?
I have learned to do nothing but enjoy the ride. I refuse to feel guilt over what isn't my fault. I refuse to look to others for the happiness I seek. I refuse to limit myself to another persons idea of God. I refuse to hold onto hurt and pain others bring into my life, because in the end it was never up to me.
I allow everyone to judge me how they may (because I always know they will no matter what I do) without it ever touching me. I only allow a very select few people into my life, because I would so much rather only have a few close people around me who really care, than a huge group who couldn't really care less in the end.
Ruin is a gift. It always has been. Ruin is part of the road to transformation. You can't rebuild a city after a storm rages if it is not first torn down.
Every saint is a sinner. And every sinner is a saint. Those covered in tattoos and piercings that never attend church are often much kinder than those who have perfect attendance on Sundays. Beauty is in the soul. We must stop wearing our wishbones, where our backbones should be. I am completely baffled by the idea of a deity who takes attendance, instead of just paying attention to peoples actions.
Happiness is only a consequence of personal effort. It always has been that, and nothing more. You must fight for it, strive for it, and insist upon it. You must always participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings, instead of just sitting around wondering where they are. And once you have achieved that state of happiness you must never become lazy about maintaining it, or it will wither away quicker than it came. You have to always be making an effort to swim towards the top of it, and always stay afloat.
Saturday, March 8, 2014
Operation Self-Esteem
Why is it that we are always so quick to hate our bodies? Or our lives? Or our jobs? Our relationships? Our ways of thinking? Our homes? Our friends, or our families?
And if we aren't consciously hating those things we are always projecting our hate onto other people. Nit picking the things they do, the things they wear, the things they say... The way they go about their lives.
Or we are constantly looking, trying to find someone who is more miserable than we are so that we can begin to feel better about our own personal life.
Why is it so easy in this life, in this world, to so very quickly spiral down the road to victimization, hate, jealousy, envy, and madness.. Instead of spiraling down the road towards love, acceptance, happiness, peace, and a more elevated state of mind?
It is a sad things that we as human beings in this day in age are so quick to jump to the bad, instead of the good. Sad... But not without reason. I see the reason why we do this. As I am sure most people do.
We live in a ruthless world where every one seems to have this need to compete with everyone else. Where everyone is trying to put on this picture of complete happiness and perfection... When really their life is falling apart behind the scenes. We live in a world where letting our emotions out is seen as weakness... Where people will be "fake nice" to each other just so they can snoop in someone else's life trying to find weak spots. We live in a world full of run down people, destroyed houses, stressful jobs, not enough time in the day, and self loathing.
If it isn't one thing it's another. There are very few people that I know of who are truthfully totally and completely happy. Happy with their life and themselves. Happy with there bodies, with their weight, their job, their romantic life, their family... Everything. I know many people who will claim to be totally content because they are too scared to be vulnerable. But not truly happy.
Most of us have gotten to a point in our lives where we just float by. Existing, but not living. Letting days slip by, convincing ourselves that we are happy. Never looking deep into ourselves. Always fearing what we don't understand, and looking to others for approval in the things we do.
We turn to things like religion, make-overs, plastic surgery, friends, and significant others for the happiness we always seek. But we never stop to really look inside ourselves. We never stop to find what will make our unique self happy... Because we are all too damn busy competing and trying to keep up with the illusion of our picture perfect world.
Well guess what? No amount of church going, fake smiles, pouty lips, expensive clothes, nice houses, jobs, or friendships is ever in a million years going to make you happy. Fine, maybe at some point those things may help contribute to your overall happiness. But completely investing in them will not bring you happiness. They will bring you momentary masks to put over the scars in your life that you are trying to hide.
Make up wont take away the imperfect skin you hate so badly. Silicone breast implants won't forever give you flawless breasts, because guess what, gravity takes over again. A low number on the scale in the morning won't magically make you feel amazing in your clothes. Going to church every Sunday does not suddenly make you a perfect saint with no flaws.
Masks. They are all masks.
If complete happiness is what you seek, you need to look inside yourself. You need to search and find what YOU need to do to start loving your own personal world. It isn't something that is easy, but nothing that is worth it is ever really easy.
I've never understood why it is so frowned upon in this world for someone to take some time for themselves.. To stray away from the crowd and search for what they personally are looking for. We don't all need to be doing the same thing. We don't all need to look the same. We don't all need to have a "perfect" life. We don't need to have it together all the time everyday. We don't need to join the same religion, or wear the same brand of clothing. We don't need to have the same taste in music, or food. We don't need to be constantly trying to change people because they are a little different from everyone else. What works for one, won't work for another.
Focus on YOU for a change. Invest in your hobby. Take a trip. Embrace your flaws. Stop obsessing with being skinny. Stop feeling guilty over doing something for yourself. Take a step back, slow down, and breathe...
Because in the end none of it even matters. Not even a little bit. No body knows if their vision of God or Heaven is correct. No body can tell you not to love someone, because "they just don't seem right for you", who ever gave them the authority to dictate that? No body should tell you that you need plastic surgery because you don't fit the description of a perfect woman, because there is no such thing as perfect.
Stop focusing on everyone else. Stop obsessing with the image of "beauty" that the media is shoving down our throats. Stop. Just stop. And look at yourself for once.
Do what it takes. Even if it's hard. Even if others don't approve. Because you deserve it. Everyone does.
We are all always looking for love and acceptance from those around us... But why? What would that give us even if we received it from even the most stubborn person? Nothing really. Because in the end even if we had their love and approval, it'll all add up to nothing if we don't first love and approve of ourselves.
We all have our demons. We all have our hidden secrets. We all have our dreams.
And it is always better to live your life imperfectly, with break downs, and hectic days, than to live someone else's life absolutely perfectly.
Love yourself. That is always the key. You can't really do much of anything without it.
And I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm choosing happiness over suffering, I know I am. I'm making space for the future to fill up my life with yet to come surprises.
Operation self-esteem: Day freaking one.
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