Hard decisions..

Very, very recently I was forced to make a very tough decision. Something that I'm still not sure was the right choice, but at the time I felt it was and I acted on it. It is constantly on my mind, sometimes I want to change my choice, and sometimes I feel like I just need to play this all out and see what comes of it and just accept the end result. Basically I am just feeling like I am on a crazy roller coaster ride and I'm starting to get some motion sickness... I wish I just knew I was on the right path. But if I have learned anything in this life, it is that unfortunately, nothing in this life is ever certain and sometimes you just have to let things play out. It is what it is, whatever happens, happens. But sometimes that is the absolute toughest thing to do. Waiting. You never realize how truly long a minute is until you are forced to be overly aware of time. 

Life moves at an extremely fast pace, if you blink you might miss it. We all have those moments in our lives where we have to jump off the cliff, taking a leap of faith, making a choice, all in the hopes that we will find our wings and suddenly learn to fly. And sometimes we do, sometimes we fly, we soar to new heights, but sometimes we crash and fall and we have to painfully get back up and learn to walk again on a broken leg. And before we make that leap we never know whether or not it will end well or badly... It takes a very brave person to take that leap. And an even braver person to fall, but then get back up. But we can just sit there on the edge of the cliff, staring down, never strong enough to move. If you do that you'll never get anywhere. This world moves blurringly fast, you have to move with it before your chance is gone, or you get shoved off that cliff by someone else or a certain event. Moving isn't always easy though.. That's something I have learned on many different occasions during this short life I've lived.

I just took that daring leap, and I'm hoping with all of my heart and soul that I fly..

Life beats down on the strong ones; it just loves fighting the heavy weight champions. So if you find yourself wondering, like I have, why some people seem to get away scratch free, just remember those are the weak-spined ones, the ones who fall apart at the first signs of a pimple or a boy who doesn't love them back. Your life might have many ups and downs, but that is only because you are strong enough to win regardless...

"If you love something, let it go... If it was ever really yours it will come back... If it doesn't, then it was never meant to be."

Don't you blink, you might miss it..

Broken bodies. Broken souls.

I don't know if it's sad or if it's comforting.... But everyday I am realizing more and more that there are more people out there like me, more people out there with similar struggles and similar secrets that they hide away in the darkest corners of their souls... Similar things that hold them back from their true potential. And I don't know what it is that keeps people so scared. I know I was, I am just barely kind of starting to come out of myself and say to the world and the people in it "This is me, this is what I love, this is my soul, my truest form of myself... And if you don't like it, that's too bad." It's been hard, let me tell ya, and I don't think it'll get easier for a little while. But it'll be worth it. And it's also ten times better than completely stifling myself and my spirit, it's ten times better than being completely sad inside kicking and screaming inside but putting on a happy face for the world.... The saying "fake it till you make it" is a completely horrible and untrue saying.

My only question is why? Why did it take so stinking long for me to wake up? And why does it take even longer for others to wake up, and why is it that some never do? My best bet is it's the fear... But the people you will lose weren't ever really there or you if they leave (I know that doesn't take away the hurt but it's true, and better people will take their place), some people will surprise you and love you more because of your choice, you will feel freer and happier, you will be more confident, new doors will open, dreams will start being realized...

Basically I'm saying yes it's hard to open up and be totally you and it is scary.. But not as scary as we make it out to be... And the pros far out weigh the cons... So why not do it? 

So if you're struggling with something, if something just isn't right about your life, if you are hiding away a key part of you.. Do something about it!! No more hiding. This world can only become a better place if we as the people in it do something first..

Be daring. Be brave. Take a leap of faith.

All the changes..

I don't know what it was or why it happened... But it's like today I woke up with this crazy new perspective. Almost like for the past while, no matter how much I thought I had my eyes open to the world, the people in it, and all of the goings on... I realized I really don't think I did. And the crazy thing is this new epiphany happened literally right when I woke up... Maybe it was because I decided to sleep with just one pillow instead of two last night, I dunno, thoughts ;)?

Anyway! I woke up suddenly realizing just how many changes are going on around me.. Old friends are getting married, old acquaintances are getting married (I know a lot of getting married, freaks me out a bit too), people are making plans for next semester of college, people are going away on awesome vacations for the summer, people are getting engaged (there seems to be quite a lot of people I know finding the person they want to spend forever with lately..), people are moving out to new apartments, moving to new states and so on. Everything and everyone around me seem to just be getting bigger and better and it's this non stop list of big life events growing all around me... And then there's me, little ole' me. My biggest life event lately is that I have found that egg whites all whisked up make a really good face mask (pretty intense and kinda gross I know) Oh! And I got a new hair cut... Oh. Yeah. Moving mountains over here!. I seem to just be the one standing in the middle of this huge blur of people and things and places whizzing right past me and around me...

I guess the point is that before even though I knew in the back of my mind just exactly how much people I knew were doing and accomplishing, I was still kind of in denial. Only because, well, I have pretty much been stuck in this same old rut not really doing much with my life... I felt lame, kind of like I was a waste of space, like I was just drifting around with no real purpose or meaning. But then, this morning, it finally hit me.. Yes, there are those around me doing big things, and I may not be at that level yet, but that is totally okay. I am just moving at a different pace, taking a different path I guess you could say. I am still really young after all, I am just trying to figure out what exactly is right for me. I don't need to feel like I am of any less worth than other people just because I am choosing to go about my life differently, and there definitely doesn't need to be any kind of competition going on either. We were all put here on this Earth for different purposes, to learn different things, not one of us is the same, and we shouldn't want to be either. 

I guess I'm kind of like a black sheep around here. Walking against the crowd. At least the crowd I see... I'm sure there are other people I know that are like me, taking things slower, trying to make sure they are on the right path before they go running down it at full speed. 

Yes I am different, yes I am making different choices, yes I am moving at a slower pace... Maybe it's because I am choosing to stop and savor life, take it in all of its stages for everything it is worth instead of running through and sometimes skipping some chapters. At least that's how I look at it... I'm different, and I choose to be happy.




I do have one request though.... Slow the marriages down! It's getting kind of freaky...

I Volunteer

Basically my whole life I have really enjoyed giving service. Anything ranging from racking leaves in a widows yard, to simply just cleaning the house to surprise my mom when she gets home. I really love the feeling it brings when I am able to help others, and seeing the happiness it brings them. Giving service is an opportunity to really step outside of yourself... Which is something I really think we need to do more often in order to achieve complete happiness. Selflessness is something we could all have a little more of.

Most recently I have been giving service at the Humane Society of Utah... I think that when people think of acts of service they kind of tend to over look the animals, when really they need just as much love and help as any other living creature. I personally have found a lot of fulfillment every time I make a trip up there. Though a lot of the circumstances there sadden me deeply, and sometimes I don't feel like I am doing enough.. I really enjoy knowing the fact that I am doing something to help these amazing animals. 

Ever since the beginning of me volunteering there I have found this new love for Pitbulls. I love this amazing breed with my whole heart, and it kills me knowing how much they are mistreated and judged. The truth about Pitbulls is they are one of the most loving, intelligent, cuddly, obedient, unassuming, forgiving, funny breeds out there. The fact that people assume they are a mean and violent breed is horrible. Sure, some of them can be mean, but some of any breed out there can be mean. 99% of the time I go up there and an animal is being at all violent or grumpy it is not a Pitbull, and 99% of the time a fight is started it is not a Pitbull. "Judge the deed, not the breed". 

I try to go up there as much as possible with my mom (she's the one that got me into going up) and today was one of those days that we had a wonderful opportunity to go up... Sadly almost every time I go I am able to pick a dog that I wish I could take home. And today I found a dog that I want more than any other dog I've met. I'm going to post pictures of my wonderful day with "Perfect" the Pitbull below:

Isn't she absolutely beautiful!? She was so much fun. She's only one year old, and with no real formal obedience training, she walks pretty well on a leash, she knows sit, and shake, and lay down, she is also amazing with kids and other dogs... But she cannot be paired with a cat. She absolutely LOVED playing with tennis balls. She plays fetch very well, but she would be a dog to go through many of those things because she loves chewing on them.

I love her so much, she hasn't left my mind since I have returned home... Anyone know of fairly cheap apartments that would allow her!? :) I know that is kind of a far out dream.. But if it is at all possible I would totally go for it! Or if one of my friends has a way to get her so that I could visit her often.. That would be almost as good!

If anyone would like to know more about Perfect, what it's like volunteering up at the Humane Society, or would like any extra information about any animal that is there feel free to ask! I'll tell you all that I know.

I'm scared..

I'll warn you now.. Before you really start reading this. This post is going to be about some things that are deeply personal to me. And these things aren't necessarily the happiest subjects. It's very hard for me to really come out and talk about these things... So if you don't feel like reading something sad, or if you feel like you'd just rather not know about these things, then feel free to just skip right over this post. With that said, here goes nothing...

In an earlier post I mentioned the fact that I suffer from anxiety, extreme depression, and hypochondriasis (being a hypochondriac). Every day is a true struggle for me. Especially lately. I take no medication for any of these things... I have a very very firm belief that medications aren't necessary, while all of these things are very real, very scary disorders, I believe that your own mind is the best medication for it. Medications just mask everything, they just bury the problem without truly fixing it.. The only way to truly fix it is just by battling it yourself, by reprogramming your mind and kicking all of those bad things out. Because while all of these things are very real, very valid mental problems, they are all very curable no matter what people tell you. Trust me, I have seen people in a worse state than me kick there problems, at least to the point where they can function pretty much normally and they seem basically happy. And I have also experienced the feeling of being normal and happy after a period of time where I was really bad, it is only very recently that I have had somewhat of a relapse (I never said battling these things yourself would be easy or perfect). Now I would like to clarify and say that for those out there that are using medications to help with these problems or problems that are similar, I am not undermining you at all or trying to say that your way of going about things is wrong in anyway. The saying "to each his own" could not be more true... I am just simply going about things in a different way than probably most would, and I am standing firm in it. 

For the past few months I felt totally and completely fine, I was happy, probably the happiest I have been for a very very long time. Unfortunately this happened after a few months where I felt worse than I had felt in a very long time, I was a complete wreck and, at the time. I felt completely hopeless. There was no light at the end of my tunnel. Let me give you a little bit more of my background, just to help you understand a little more how bad I was... 

The human body is an amazing thing. Especially because of the fact that each individual human being is completely different from the other. Our DNA is more amazing than I think we sometimes realize. We are kind of like snowflakes in a sense, not one of us is the same. Because of the fact that not one of us is the same, it is a pretty obvious fact that none of us react to stress in the same way. Almost anything can be a sign of stress, it all just depends on the person experiencing it. It can be anything from headaches, to feeling completely fatigued. Because each person reacts to stress differently, that means people that suffer from anxiety attacks all experience something different. When I get an anxiety attack, I get extremely sick.. And when I say sick, I mean sick to my stomach. I feel like I could puke (sometimes it gets so bad that I do) I can't eat, I feel super panicky and kind of shaky. It's really strange, I don't feel like myself at all, it's really hard to explain, it's not necessarily an out of body experience but something that I think is very closely related to that. I don't feel normal, almost like I shouldn't be real, almost like I am just watching myself from a far and I'm not really there. Having an anxiety attack is one of the things I can truly say I hate. I wish with all my heart that I never had to have one ever again.. I wouldn't wish them on anyone.

Now that you know basically what I experience.. I can explain more how bad I got. I basically never left my house for a few months. I couldn't eat. Almost everything that I ate or drank came back up. I went to different doctors to see if anyone could come up with an explanation that could cure me... I wanted it to be something medical that had an answer.. But no matter what they said or did or came up with, nothing got better. I was suffering so badly that at some points I really wished God would just take me. I thought I was going to have to live like that forever.. I was like this until it finally came out that I could possibly just be suffering from having anxiety and stress on an extreme level.. When I finally heard this I was able to kind of get a handle on things. I slowly started to feel better until eventually I was finally 100% back on my feet. The funny thing about anxiety and anxiety attacks is they can last for however long and be at any kind of severity, there is no rules, no logic. The only way to get a handle on it is to learn your specific reaction, the way your body presents the fact that it's feeling stress, and then you have to get a handle on it with your mind. It's nothing but a mental battle. 

So yeah, I was feeling totally fine for a few months after that. Completely happy, completely content, nothing was really going wrong... Until just a few weeks ago... When I started noticing flaws about my appearance.. Kind of silly huh? That something like that could trigger these things in me.. But like I said, this is a mental battle, a game with no rules, no logic. I could feel the anxiety in me start to rise... And when I start feeling that I start to panic, I don't want to go back down that hole I was once in. I have been battling so hard everyday since this started to happen again, I have been trying so hard, never giving up hope... But it seems like I am just fighting an uphill battle and I am starting to lose my strength and momentum. Every time I start to feel a bit better, I start to accept that flaw I found and move past it, I notice a new one and then the list just starts growing and it starts to feel overwhelming... My most recent flaw I have found is the fact that one of my eyes looks like an old lady eye... And maybe it's just me, it probably is, but it seems really bad and it seems to be getting worse. And it makes me hate how I look, makes me hate going out in public.. When I notice all of these flaws, yes they bug me, they bug me a great deal, and my hypochondriasis kicks in and I start feeling like I am aging at a extremely young age and I panic.. But it isn't just the flaws that bug me anymore.. No, my mind has expanded to new horizons because of those flaws. Now I get anxiety because I feel like I am ugly, then I start feeling like those who say they love me don't really because when I look in the mirror I just sit and think "how could they love me?", and I start to feel alone... And then I slip even further down this steep hill.. 

These things seem irrational to you? That's because DING DING! They are! Even I know that in the back of my head... I ask myself "good heck Madison. This is so stupid! Why do you have to keep dwelling on this? Why do you have to make it bigger and worse than it is? Why can't you just get over it and move on!?".. But you have to remember these things I'm dealing with are real disorders, it's not just as easy as flipping a switch and these problems and these thoughts just go away. I really wish it was that easy... I really do. All I can do though is try my absolute best, and I am I really am..

I am in this hole, this abyss, that I can't really see a way out of. I know there is a way out, there has to be.. There was one before.. I just have to find it and it's hard, very hard. Especially because each day that passes just seems to get worse. I can't sleep well, I wake up in a panic attack, I walk straight to the mirror and stare at my flaws and the depression kicks in, and for the rest of my day that is all my mind is on, the bad. I have moments where I feel good, I feel like I can accept everything and move on and be happy, but these moments are gone in the blink of an eye. It's like a roller coaster ride... A very unhealthy, unpleasant, roller coaster ride.

I pray to God every day for help, and for strength. Even though I often sit and wonder why God? Why? Why me? Why did you give me these things? Because even though I know that He only gives us what He knows we can handle, even though He knows me better than I know myself.. I don't feel like I am handling all of this very well, I don't feel very strong... And I know that I just need to have more trust and faith, but often times that is much easier said than done.. 

It's getting harder to eat, it's getting harder to sleep, I hate myself more and more each day, I much prefer being asleep and unaware, I always feel sick, I don't find joy in the things I once did... I'm falling and I'm falling..

The good news is that I still see a light, I still feel like there is hope.. And I climb towards it, no matter how feeble the attempt.. I am trying.. I really am.. Some days are just worse than others. I just wish I could blink and all of this pain, this hardship could be over and I could go back to being happy...

And she cried... And she laughed....

Have you ever looked upon something that was once a huge part of your life, that no longer amazes you? Do you remember looking upon a new box of crayons with starry eyes? Have you ever visited a place that was so important to you when you were young and felt that sadness when you realized it was no longer that special or wondrous? Have you looked at something that felt so huge when you were young and noticed how very small it is now? Does it make you cry to now see these things? Does it make you laugh? Or do you not notice all of this, do you not feel this way? Are you still full of that starry eyed wonder that you once had? Do you still see the world as a grand place with never ending secrets and stories? Do you still have that child inside of you?

I wish we didn't have to grow up...

I wish I never longed to grow up when I was young..

I wish we could all hold on to that child inside...

I wish I could still see everything as perfect like I once did..

Nothing will be the same.. As moments pass, as time goes on, you can no longer recreate or relive those things.. Not really. Why do we not cherish every second of our short lives? Why do we choose to look at negative things? Why do we not appreciate all we have? Why do we long for what we don't have?

Why is being human so horrible yet insanely beautiful at the same time?

Does it make you cry?... Does it make you laugh?.. Do you feel any of it at all?.. I do..

I see the things that once amazed me. I see the things that I once thought were so grand and now realize how small they are. I visit places I once loved and cherished and no longer feel the wonderment I once did. And I cry.. I cry because I wish I still had that child inside of me, I wish I could find her again, I wish nothing had to change and that I could rewind time with all that I know now. And I laugh.. I laugh because life is always beautiful, even now when things don't seem as amazing, even now when I see things differently, because change isn't all bad, I just appreciate the world in a different way from before. And I cry because of all of the pain the past held, and because of the simple fact that it happened... And I laugh because of all the of the happiness the past held, and because of the simple fact that it all happened.

But what is better? The feeling of complete awe, or the new appreciation you gain as you grow older? Do things change, do they really? Or is it just us, our state of mind that changes?

Can you regain that child inside? Do you want to?... Should you?

And she cried... And she laughed...

Happiness In Its Complete Simplicity...

What is happiness? Well ladies and gentlemen, in my opinion and in my experience it is nothing more than a choice, an emotion, a feeling, that we all search so diligently for our whole lives when we never really realize how truly simple it really is. You see, the wonderful thing about happiness is in its simplicity, if it was something that was hard to achieve it wouldn't really be a good emotion, it wouldn't make us feel good it would just be a battle. So why do we always make it so complicated? Why do we make achieving happiness such a chore, when all we really have to do is make the simple choice. When we try so hard to find this hidden feeling we take away the purity of it, we ruin its true purpose. Happiness is not something we have to search high and low for, it's not something we have to eventually achieve or wait for.. No, it is just a state of mind, a choice. Will you be happy or sad? That's it. Though at certain times in our lives it may seem complicated, the effortlessness of complete happiness in this life never changes. The only thing that changes is a persons mind set. We get into our heads and the messiness of this world, we let all of the bad overwhelm us, and we forget that what we tend to fight so hard for every day starting from the moment we wake up is sitting right in front of our eyes. We often trick ourselves into thinking this thing, this emotion, this choice is close to impossible to achieve, or we sit and tell ourselves our happiness depends on others or at least partially depends on others.. But trust me when I say it is absolutely never out of reach, and it is completely up to the individual person and not the others around them.

 I have had many times where I have struggled to maintain happiness, sometimes I just feel this heavy fog come into my life and it just presses down on me and begins to suffocate me. I know we have all had this feeling at certain points, it isn't always avoidable, some of us experience it more than others, and some more intensely as well.. Though these emotions are just plainly a mind set, nothing is perfect and we will all slip and lose sight of certain things at some points, the trick is just bouncing back. The things that usually cause this dreaded fog that makes us lose sight of our path are noticing new or old flaws about ourselves, not accomplishing something as quickly or as well as we were planning on, losing a loved one, the feeling of loneliness or abandonment and etc... These things cause us to change our state of mind, and this causes us to focus more on the bad until that one bad thing becomes so prominent that we see and feel nothing but the bad and there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel.

 You see, in our lives we feel all of the different emotions so sharply that they can even sometimes stifle our other senses. No one, at least no one that I know of is immune to this, though some may pretend to be. So when one very specific thing upsets us we sit and focus on it so hard that the pain from it becomes shockingly overwhelming, then that problem no matter how big or small it is is suddenly amplified by ten and we continue to focus on it and focus on it... And from there it all just spirals out of control... After that we start to see all sorts of other bad things, and we create this mental list of all the things going wrong and that list just keeps growing and growing until it just feels so huge and overwhelming and you just snap, and all of the good that is out there in the world just becomes invisible to you. At this point, not matter how hard it may feel, you have to make a choice.. Will you be happy or not? When you make your choice stand firm in it, do not waiver, and feel it and choose it with your entire mind, body, and soul. Only then can you have the purity of true happiness. It comes from you, and only you. Not anyone around you, or any events in your life, just you. Only you have this amazing power to choose how you feel.

 We were put on this planet to learn, to live, to experience and to be happy. There may be bumps or curves in our roads but you can always return to the one you want to be on. I wish everyone on this planet happiness, no matter who you are, where you are, or what you're going through just know that you deserve to be happy...

"Fall down 7 times, get up 8..."

That is my little message and insight for the day.. Have a good one, and enjoy the sunshine :)

My Passion

Photography... I cannot think of a more beautiful art form. It shows the beauty in simple every day things, it shows beauty in things we may have before considered flaws, it captures precious moments that we may otherwise forget, it tells the story of the simple little blue bird perched on the fence in your back yard, photography leaves nothing to be desired. It is my dream to eventually become one of the best when it comes to photography. I want to be able to help people see the world in new ways, I want to help open their eyes to things they may not have before seen or noticed, I want to be able to capture the absolute beauty that shy girl possesses, or even capture the total majesty of the wild lion. I definitely have big hopes for myself when it comes to this wonderful art form, they may seem silly or far out at times, but I refuse to ever give up on them. It is never too late to pursue your dreams, so if any one out there is wishing they had continued down the path to their dream that they may have fallen off of, or if they have been shot down before and given up, no matter how old or young you are, I strongly encourage you to keep going for it, dreams and hopes are part of what makes us who we are and we should all be able to achieve that goal we have.

All of that said, I am going to share some of my photography. I am far from being amazing at it, I am definitely not saying I am great or anything, I'm a work in progress. Everything I know about photography is pretty much self taught. I learn through trial and error, watching those that are the best, or seeing something that inspires me, or by simply just deciding to take a leap of faith and hoping it will work. Sometimes I feel discouraged, like I'm not going anywhere or getting any better... But I still love it, and looking at past photos I've taken compared to the ones I take now, I know I have gotten better. So here I go, sharing some of my work. I hope that it can inspire someone, make someone happy, show someone a new perspective, or bring beauty into someone's life that they haven't really noticed lately. Along with my photos I'll write some of the things that I find very true about photography. Here it goes!

Beauty can be seen in all things, seeing and composing the beauty is what separates the snapshot from the photograph.

Be daring, be different, be impractical, be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of common place, the slaves of the ordinary. 

Of course, there will always be those who look only at technique, who ask "how", while others of a more curious nature will ask "why". Personally, I have always preferred inspiration to information.

Pick a theme, and work it to exhaustion... The subject must be something you truly love or truly hate. Something that brings passion out in you.

A good photograph is one that communicates a fact, touches the heart and leaves the viewer a changed person for having seen it. It is, in a word, effective. 

Remember, the person you are photographing is 50% of the portrait and you are the other 50%. You need the model as much as he or she needs you.

You don't take a photograph, you make it.

You've got to push yourself harder. You've got to start looking for pictures nobody else could take. You've got to take the tools you have and probe deeper.

I always thought good photos were like good jokes. If you have to explain it, it just isn't that good.

What I like about photographs is they capture a moment that's gone forever, impossible to reproduce.

Taking pictures is savoring life intensely, every hundredth of a second.

The camera is an instrument that teaches people to see without a camera.

Above all, life for a photographer cannot be a matter of indifference. 

Sometimes I arrive right when God is ready for someone to click the shutter.

The earth is art, the photographer is only a witness.

A photograph is a secret about a secret. The more it tells you, the less you know.

Sorry this was so long.. I just started going and I didn't really want to stop. I love sharing things like this. It makes me happy. 

I hope you enjoyed reading this post and seeing what I have to share. If you liked what you saw, you can visit my website sometime, http://madikatephotography.weebly.com/ I update it with as much of my new work as often as I can. Thanks for reading :)

Insecurities

Everyone has their insecurities, those little things that hold us back from being able to hold our heads high and confidently and truthfully say "I accept and love myself, and that's all that matters". Some people's insecurities aren't visible to others, and some people's are, but no matter what kind of insecurity it is that someone has, it is always very valid and it's a very hard personal struggle. There is not one person out there that can honestly tell me that they do not struggle with some kind of insecurity in their life. 

For example, my biggest insecurity right now, not matter how silly it may seem to anyone else, is the fact that I have lines in my forehead because I have just been too dang expressive with my forehead for my whole life. Why is this even a big deal to me at all you ask? Well because I'm only 19 years old! And I feel like they make me look so much older than I really am, and because it worries me that I am going to age a lot faster, and for some reason aging early has really been something that's been weighing on my mind lately. I really don't want that to happen. Another insecurity of mine is the fact that my right eye is shaped a little different from my left eye, my upper eyelid is a little droopier and I have kind of a wrinkle crease where there probably shouldn't be one, and my skin on that eyelid is just generally looser. I was probably born with this difference in my eyes, and I'm probably just now noticing it, but no matter what it's been bugging me. And no matter how much other people tell me they don't see or notice these things, or how much I tell myself these things are just such minor details and that I really need to stop picking myself apart, I just can't help but notice these minor details first thing when I look in a mirror and every time it's a blow to my already low self esteem. In the back of my mind I know how silly/vain these things are, and I know that they really shouldn't upset me nearly as much as they do... But I can't help it. They are my biggest insecurities as of recently. 

Now I know that I will probably get over these things, it will just take a little bit more time. I know that they are just bugging me because I tend to get into my head a lot and over think basically everything, and when something gets into my head pretty much nothing can get it out until I choose to accept and move on, and sometimes that process can take longer than I like. Sadly I suffer from anxieties, and being a hypochondriac on a daily basis, I also suffer from insomnia pretty frequently, and so all of these things combined make it so that little things seem huge and I carry a lot more stress than I should. Over all though, I feel like I am more on the uphill route with things than the down hill route. I just hit a minor bump in the road every once in a while.

Now that I've brought up my insecurities that I carry with me every day, some people who read this will probably notice them more because they'll be looking.. I'll be very honest and say it was very hard for me to just openly put these things out there for everyone to see, but at the same time it's kind of a good therapeutic cleansing process.. I can't decide which one out weighs the other.. But my point for putting this all on here in the first place is to let everyone that is silently struggling with something know that they are definitely not alone. Whether you have something unseen, or something you feel like is seen, remember everyone has their trials, and there are probably a lot of people struggling with something very similar to what you are going through.

I wish this world wasn't as fast paced and media based as it is now.. I feel like then maybe we could all just take time to take a step back, relax and breathe. Sadly the pressure that is constantly put on people now days (especially girls) is just ridiculous. It's like an expectation to look absolutely perfect all the time, to be the absolute smartest, to have the best career, to make the most money, to be the most popular, to have the coolest stuff, and so on... It never ends and I feel like the pressure of the modern world just builds and builds every day until finally people start snapping and it becomes harder and harder to get up every time. I mean look at me! The world has me convinced that I look hideous and that I am aging at an extremely young age when these are probably just things in my skin that I was born with. Every day people are picking themselves apart, even those that seem to have loads of self confidence. And for what purpose? It doesn't make you feel better, it doesn't change anything, it doesn't make anyone else feel better. There is not benefit. Yet we go on and on like this in one big crazy insanity circle. Sometimes I think the modern age has more cons than it has pros.

When you are having an extra hard time with the insecurities in your life, try to take a day to slow down. Don't let the media in your life so much during your harder times. This means pretty much no T.V., not surfing the internet, no watching the news and letting all of the depressing stories in, no reading all of the silly pop culture magazines.. Simplify your life. Surround yourself only with those that love you for everything you are and see you as pretty much perfect. If your insecurity is a flaw you see in your physical appearance avoid mirrors as much as possible, consistently reminding yourself what it is that you don't like about your looks definitely isn't going to make you feel any better and it definitely won't help you move past it any faster, also stop comparing yourself to others they don't matter, you are you and they are them, you are two totally separate beings. Also some really big things that can help are finding time to exercise, eating healthier, and drinking plenty of water. Cut as much sugar and fat out of your diet as possible (all of these things are things I could do better at myself). Try to find time to meditate, go to a quiet place, play some simple and calm music and just let your body completely relax, think of each individual body part and one at a time let them all go limp, take deep breaths and clear your mind. If that doesn't sound like something that would help you maybe go for a walk, or do something that will distract you like going out with your friends to dinner or a movie. Even when none of these things seem appealing they really are key to helping yourself feel better, get out of a depressed rut and gaining your self confidence back.

Don't let your insecurities beat you from shining and loving yourself completely. You will always have periods of times where it seems nearly impossible to move on, but you can always get through them, you just can't give up. Living in this world is hard, trust me, I know. But it is doable, and you can be happy and confident while doing it, you just have to remember to see the beauty in yourself and your everyday life.

Hello Blogging World!

Lately I've been seeing people's posts on Facebook about their Blogs, or actual links to their Blogs. I absolutely love reading them, most of them are uplifting, inspiring, funny, or all of the above. I've always been extremely jealous of how well Bloggers can write... The only thing holding me back from creating a Blog for several years is the fact that I just feel like I can't write nearly as well as 99% of the people in the Blogging world, and in my opinion the point of people having a Blog is to either share their talents, inspire or to help people feel happy, and I've just been worried that I wouldn't be able to do any of those things. But recently as I've been reading other people's work something a friend told me a while ago popped into my mind, she said "It doesn't matter. You just have to write what comes to your mind and it will turn out amazing." I never realized until now just how true her words are. I don't have to be afraid of not being as good at writing as others, all I have to be is myself and share what I have to offer, after all a Blog is just supposed to be a creative outlet for yourself. So here I am doing something I've wanted to do for years, but I've just been too chicken to do.

Since this is my first post, I figured it should probably be a little about myself. In the paragraph above you found out pretty much why I started a Blog, so I'll just go from there. My name is Madison, I am just a girl trying to do her best in the world even though I sometimes find doing even that one simple thing as a serious struggle. I have a serious passion for photography (maybe I'll share some of my work on here sometime) even though I haven't really gotten anywhere with it yet. I have a serious love for nature and animals, I guess you could say I'm pretty close to being a "Tree Hugger". Service is something I really enjoy, it makes me happier when I am able to help another human being, animal, or even just the environment. I seriously wish everyone (especially young girls now days) was able to love themselves for everything they are, even though this is something I seriously struggle with on a daily basis, I am probably one of the worst out there when it comes to finding problems with myself. My biggest dream is to become a photographer for the National Geographic (far out right?). I one day hope to be able to move out of Utah, only because I feel like the mentality around here is very closed and I don't like that. I always try to look at every side of every story, because I always try my best to keep an open mind about everything. My outlook on life is basically live and let live. I'm addicted to reading, chocolate, Disney, Psych, Doctor Who, nail polish, and anything that is a baked good. I'm far from perfect but everyday I strive to be a little bit better than the day before. And that my friends, is a little bit about me!

Now I want to write a little about the important people in my life, those people that in some way have helped shape me into who I am today, those people I look up to or am inspired by, those people that have changed me for the better. 

I'm going to start out with my mom:

She is the super hero in my life, that's for sure. She's my rock and my absolute best friend. I turn to her when I need to vent about a frustration, when I need a shoulder to cry on, or whenever I just want someone to share a stupid joke with. She is my example of a strong woman, even though she has had many struggles in her life she has still been able to get through them and hold her head high. She is absolutely beautiful inside and out. Whenever I have had a tough time with anything she has always had my back. She has taught me so much throughout my life, anything from how to love and accept others for everything they are, to how to drive a manual car. She is the most loving, selfless, and nonjudgmental person I know. I strive to be more like her every day. I hope to one day be half as good of a person as she is.

Next up is my beautiful sister Hannah:

My oh my, where do I start with this girl? One of the truest things I can say about her is that she is everything good packed into one person. She's completely kindhearted, extremely smart, selfless, an amazing friend to anyone who comes along, totally gorgeous, hilarious, and completely genuine. This girl is the one who introduced me to things like Doctor Who, the Mistborn series, and many Youtubers I have come to love.. And trust me my life is definitely so much better with those things in it. She has been the one who has taught me how to laugh when I'm feeling down, how to be a better friend, and how to more genuinely love people. When I feel like the world is looking dark I try to look through her eyes and I start to see the good and the beauty again. I love this girl so much. All I hope for her is that she is able to find complete happiness in this life, and that she is able to see herself for how truly wonderful she really is. I wouldn't be where I am today without her.

This awesome boy in the picture with me is Jordan:

He is my best friend of over 4 years. He stuck with me through absolutely all of the crap I went through in High School. He is the one who taught me how to feel beautiful. He gets me in a way I feel like no one else ever will. He is a rock in my life that I feel like I can always turn to no matter what. He has never once made me feel bad about myself in any way, I have never had to feel self conscious around him, I have always been able to be myself, he is definitely a true friend. He's always been proud of me and the things I have done, he's been nothing but supportive since day one. Even though we have naturally had times when we have had our differences we have always been able to quickly work things out and be able to become even better friends because of those hard times. Right now he is serving a full time mission for the LDS church in Japan. From the moment he left I felt like a huge part of me was missing, it has been hard to not have him around every day but I could not be more proud of him. The good thing is I am still able to talk with him frequently. Even though it's not really the same, I am very grateful for that. Everyone deserves to have a friend like him. If it weren't for him I would still have zero self esteem and I still wouldn't have any idea how to truly enjoy life. I hope to one day be half as good of a friend as he is to me. I miss him every day, and I am just counting down the days until he comes home.

This awesome boy with my is James: 

If you can't tell from this picture he makes me very happy. I just recently met him this year, and we have been dating for the past three months and it has been amazing! It may sound cheesy, but I honestly had no idea I could be so happy in a relationship. He loves me for everything I am, flaws and all, and he sees me as nothing but beautiful. Every girl deserves to be treated the way he treats me. Even if I am having a horrible day, he knows exactly how to make it better. When I'm with him he seems to just help all of my problems, worries, and stress melt away. And that's truly a lot considering the fact that I haven't been having the easiest time lately. The more I learn about him the more I realize just how amazing he is. He helps me to really enjoy life and appreciate the little things. He's my shining example of how to accept yourself for everything you are, even when at times you may wish you could change certain things. I am only fully happy when I am able to be around him. We still haven't once had a fight, we see eye to eye on most everything, and on the few things we don't completely agree on we are able to very simply just agree to disagree. My opinion of him is very high, and that will never change. he's a wonderful person through and through. He's an outstanding friend, hard worker, eager to learn, dedicated, loyal, selfless, loving person. I wish more people in the world were like him. In my opinion at least, it would make the world a much better place to live.

The last person I will talk about today is Lindsay:

Little does she know but she totally saved me in High School. When I lost all of my friends to unneeded drama she became my friend right when I really needed one. Her nerdy/goofiness is so similar to mine it's amazing... She even has a strange love for the movie Titanic like I do. It makes me sad that we aren't able to really get together any more now that school is over, but I guess that's what happens as you get older, you life changes and often you drift away from people and things that at some point were a lot more prominent in your life. Lindsay is an amazing friend and person. Every time I'm around her I'm amazed at how happy one person can be, she could definitely brighten the moods of a room full of depressed people. I truly wish I could have as optimistic of an outlook on life as she does. She has definitely taught me to look at the brighter side of things when I start looking at the bad side. I mean can't you just tell how bright and happy she is just from this one picture?? She's awesome. We will be good friends for a long time, even though we don't see or talk to each other as much any more.

Well... I think that's all for now.. This has been a pretty good introductory post if I do say so myself. I think I am going to really enjoy having a Blog. I've always enjoyed being able to write.. It's a wonderful release for me, I can write about pretty much anything and for some reason it always lifts my spirits. I hope that someone out there is able to take something from the things I have to say here. After all I didn't really decide to do this just for me.