Insanity.. And another proposal.

Oh. My. Goodness.

This weekend was not at all what I expected. I went into it having all kinds of plans.. Get our wedding invitations finalized and start getting them put together. Print our engagement picture collage and pick them up. Finish Christmas shopping at the mall with my little sister.. And so on. It was going to be a crazy busy weekend, I was prepared for that. But I wasn't prepared for what happened instead.

Instead, on Saturday, when I was supposed to be doing my final dress fitting, after several other fittings to complete my dream wedding dress, and finally take my dress home and be done with the drives up to Salt Lake.. I got to the bridal salon, only to find out that my dress is missing because the seamstress hadn't been in the salon for half the week, and she isn't answering her phone calls. Needless to say I left the salon, with no dress, no idea what to do, and no answers. I was a very upset bride, along with other brides who had come in to pick up their dresses that day, only to find it was missing. The feeling of not knowing where your over $2,000 dollar dress is.. Yeah, not a good one. 

On top of that my fiance called me to inform me that the print shop where he took my DIY invitation template (which took me hours to complete I might add) to, wouldn't print them out because we already had our paper pre-cut to the correct size for the envelopes.. I mean what is that!? Isn't that was print shops are for!? Printing things in the sizes you need, on the paper you need?? If I just wanted to print on normal paper, in the normal size.. I could do it at home! I mean, come on. 

Then, I found out that the place I got our photo's printed at, had to change our pictures a bit, because they weren't going to fit the 5X7 size I had ordered how they were... I still don't know how they look, but I am hopefully going to find out today, and I am very nervous. 

I felt like I was going to vomit. All this in one Saturday. A brides worst nightmare. I was losing it.

Then Sunday was even worse.. 

I had a full on, no control, total melt down. I couldn't do this anymore. I could not handle the stress, so much was going wrong.. And I took it out on my poor, wonderful, fiance.

Yeah. It wasn't pretty.. I'm talking it was near break up not pretty. How much more could go wrong? Only the whole fight thing, that was all me, I brought that on myself. It was totally avoidable and unneeded, and my poor man totally didn't want it. But I did it anyway. 

So much was wrong. So much was hurting. So much felt impossible and unavoidable. It wasn't even just wedding stuff that felt like it was going terribly wrong. Nope. Everything just felt like it was melting away in front of me, and I had no control.

Of course that wasn't true. It's never true. It just felt like it at the time, and I had poor judgement, and I lost it.. 

A bad weekend, a very bad weekend. 

Until the moment it was no longer bad.. In fact it was quite wonderful and incredible. 

After all that, after all the ugliness.. The man of my dreams.. The most amazing man in the world (I'm sorry ladies, but you're delusional if you think yours is better).. He did the most amazing and unthinkable thing.. He got down on one knee, and proposed to me all over again. Yes it was with the same ring. Yes it was in our bedroom among some dirty laundry.. But it was the most beautiful thing ever. 

We had just got done having the worst fight we have ever had. I had yelled at him horribly when he didn't deserve it. We had both been in tears... And he proposed to me again. With even more love in his eyes than he had the day he asked me to be his forever, by the wishing well in Disneyland. 

He is even more incredible than I ever imagined.

Guys. Life isn't perfect. It's messy. And we will do things we regret. We will make mistakes. We will never be perfect. We will say things in the heat of the moment that we don't really mean. We are, after all, human. 

But if you have the right people standing beside you, no matter how dark the day is, it will always end up okay..

In that moment Kevin gave both of us a fresh start. Maybe we got engaged too soon. Maybe we took things a bit too fast. Maybe we weren't ready even though we wanted to be when he got down on one knee in the Happiest Place On Earth... But that's okay. Because we still made it.. We've made it through a lot, and really, we've only gotten stronger. 

That fight needed to happen, it was inevitable. Life hasn't been easy as of late. There's not reason to act like it's been all butterflies and rainbows, because that would be a lie. Things always happen for a reason. 

We have a new start now. I feel like I am just barely engaged again. Only now we are in a much better, and much more mature place than we were almost 8 months ago.. 

I hope all of you ladies have the kind of man that will always want to get down on one knee again and ask you to be his. Over and over, no matter what happens. No matter where life takes you. Because that is the kind of love that everyone deserves.. Unconditional. Not just anyone would have stuck around after that.. They probably would have left...

But not Kevin.. Not him..

Let's talk about cyber bullying..

So, today I watched a movie that touched near and dear to my heart.. It's called "Cyber Bully".. Ever heard of it? I hadn't until I found it on the almighty Netflix.. And it sparked my interest.

High School wasn't the easiest part of my life.. Honestly those three years were some of the hardest, for so many reasons. Family drama, boy drama, self drama, and school drama that came right along with friend drama. But the worst, the very worst, was the bullying, and the bullying that followed me home on the Internet..

Bullying is a very serious thing that so many of us overlook. We turn our backs on it, act like it isn't there. Did you know that in most states cyber bullying is something that literally has no laws or consequences? I'm serious. They don't even count the hurtful and harmful things people say to others on the Internet as any form of harassment. Amazing, isn't it? Cyber bullying can be even worse than bullying that happens at school, or even in the work place. Why? Because even if bullying is happening at a public place, at least the victim can go home, to a safe place, but that safe place is taken away when the bullying has spread to emails and text messaging and online profiles... Then, suddenly, the victim doesn't even have that anymore.

I know how it feels to feel absolutely lost and alone.. To have all that hurt come into your life. At first you tell yourself they are just words.. Then it keeps going and going, and more and more people catch word of it, less and less people talk to you, more and more join in on making fun of you because they are afraid of being made fun of instead. Eventually it consumes you.. The words get worse and worse.. The bullying keeps going and going.. Hitting the Internet where most adults who could defend you and help you don't see it.

My story started with an argument between me and my closest friends.. An argument that lead to us no longer being friends. And those friends proceeded to lash out at me. I was called a slut, a liar, people said I would sleep with any guy that came along.. Eventually boys even started claiming I had slept with them.. Rumors went around that I would be pregnant before graduation.. I started getting harassing messages on facebook with hurtful words.. People started prank calling boys and leaving messages about wanting to have sex with them, and all sorts of disgusting things.. And then leaving my name at the end of the message.. So then I started getting messages from friends, and parents telling me to leave their sons alone..

It all spread like wild fire. No end in site. And eventually my only friend was my mom. And it hurt to realize it all stemmed back to a stupid argument between me and my "friends".. Eventually I got suicidal, like so many other victims of bullying.. Only I was one of the lucky ones who didn't succeed in going through with it.



Both in person and online bullying are real. They are ignored way too much.

Ahhhh.. Weddings!

Goodness gracious!

Planning a wedding is stressful! Who knew! Besides all of you lovely women who have already been through the whole process and successfully completed it. 

Sometimes, I'll be honest, I seriously consider just eloping to Vegas and having some Elvis impersonator marry us at one of those crappy drive through chapels.. 

But then I remind myself that my dream is to have a gorgeous and memorable wedding.. And while the whole Elvis idea would most definitely be memorable, it would be seriously lacking in the whole gorgeous department. 

All I'm saying is that when planning a wedding you seem to easily forget all the things that need to be done. The big things are easy to remember. Like the venue, the dress and so on.. But what about the guest book? And the pens for the guest book? 

Not to discourage any of you new lovely brides out there. Wedding planning is amazing, and it does have it's perks. All I'm saying is don't assume you have everything under control too early. Assume you are missing something. Perhaps go to a wedding that is taking place before yours (that you are invited to of course!) and take a look at everything they pulled together. 

You will really be surprised by what has slipped your pretty little mind.. 

Or am I crazy? Am I the only engaged woman going through this faze of wedding planning? I mean I could believe it if someone told me I was. Sadly I tend to be a bit scatter brained, and a bit of a procrastinator.. Which I have come to find is a really bad thing to be when it comes to weddings! 

Trust me, figuring it all out.. And having it done months before your wedding.. Is a way better idea than letting it all wait and cramming it all into a month. 

Mark my words.. The ride will be a bumpy one... Worth it in the end.. But bumpy none the less!

XOXO

Madison