When I'm gone.

Some of you may think this is a morbid post... Some of you may find it uplifting.. And some of you may just think it isn't worth your time and move right on past it. But whatever you may think.. This post is really for me more than anything. Even though I wouldn't mind it impacting other people as well..

Lately I have decided how I want to be remembered when I'm gone.. I know that's kind of an odd thing to think about given the fact that I'm only 19 and don't really plan on dying anytime soon. But still, I find it kind of important.. After all, we all leave our foot prints on this world that will last forever. How many you leave, and whether they are for better or worse is really up to the individual person. 

I personally have decided that even through all of my struggles and my negative times, I would much rather have my positive and happy times shine through more.. I want to be remembered as kind, understanding, loving, empathetic, brave, and a fighter. That's kind of a long list, I know, but let me explain a little more..

I want to be remembered as kind because I really honestly strive to be as nice and sincere to people as possible, without being fake at all. I have come to realize through very personal experiences that when you're down, or feeling alone even just someone giving you a smile or telling you that your hair looks pretty can do so much to brighten a person's day and mood. This world truly needs more kind people, people that are willing to be everyone's friend and be completely genuine with people.. That's what I strive for. To be an amazing friend to anyone and everyone that needs it.

I want to be remembered as understanding because I like to think that I am one of those people that can really be nonjudgmental and understanding toward anyone and whatever situation they are going through. I don't care if you have relapsed while trying to quit your addiction, or if you lied to me or someone else, or if you cheated on your significant other.. I will not be someone to judge you. That is not my place. All I will try to do it understand you and where you are coming from. I will listen and I will give you my advice and input if you want me to. Sometimes my personal opinion on a situation may not be pleasant.. But trust me, with a lot of things that have happened in my life or that I've seen happen.. I can understand a lot of situations and how and why a person got there.. I will always look at and realize all sides to every story.

I want to be remembered as loving because.. Well.. I am! It doesn't take me long to love a person or animal for pretty much everything they are. We are all unique in both personality and physical features, and there is always a lot to love about every single different person. And everyone deserves love. Always. Not matter if you make a bad choice, do something to hurt me, whatever.. If I have grown to love you, that won't stop.. Even at times when I am hurt or mad. Maybe the fact that I grow to love and appreciate people so quickly can be seen as a weakness.. I don't care. I choose to see it as a strength that not many people have.

I want to be remembered as empathetic because ever since I was a child I have had an amazing ability to really know how a person is feeling. When people naturally come to me with there problems, desires, or secrets it's like I just take on their emotions. I can sense when a person is sad even when they are trying to be happy. I just always seem to know.. It's a gift and a curse.. Because I can just feel and know these things so completely it really hurts when I know someone is hurting so badly, and I want nothing more than to help them. But on the flip side it is so amazing to know when someone is happy, that always helps to fill me with complete joy and it will brighten my day as well as theirs.

I want to be remembered as brave because of some of the things I have gone through.. My definition of brave isn't necessarily someone who will go sky diving, or bungee jumping, or ride the biggest roller coaster (even though I've done some of those things). No, my definition of brave is someone who has gone through a lot that really tests them as a person both physically and emotionally and not only get through it but come out wiser, and better because of it. I really honestly don't think highly of myself or think I'm better than anyone when I say this.. I just know and can confidently say, I am brave.

And lastly, I want to be remembered as a fighter. I want this because with all of the emotional turmoil I have been through, and all of the mental challenges I face every day I truly am a fighter. I am determined to beat the different issues I have and without the help of any kind of medication. The human mind is a powerful thing and as surely as you can develop things like my anxiety, panic, and hypochondria, you can kick them to the curb and beat them. You just have to realize this, realize your strength, and be willing to fight hard until the end..

And THAT is how I want to be remembered when I'm gone.. How do you want to be remembered? 

Who cares? Really.

Is it just me? Or does anybody else have times when they feel overly self conscious? Like you just know that everyone is looking at you and picking you apart? Yeah, well I do that.. A lot.. I have a hard time just going outside to go on a walk or go running because I feel like everyone is going to be analyzing me.. Silly, I know. I mean what makes me so special? Why would anyone be giving me that kind of attention.. I don't know. I mean seriously, think about it. When you see someone outside running, unless you know them personally, do you give them anything more than a passing glance? I know I don't. So what makes me think other people care when they see me out in public? Why would they give me anything more than a passing glance? Because honestly, who cares? 

You are your worst critic. Things you notice about yourself, or pick apart about yourself 99.9% of other people will not notice. No one pays that much attention, like, ever! Well of course except for those few people that are a little bit strange and way overly critical.. But those people are pretty much always just way self conscious about themselves and trying to feel better about something that is wrong with them or their life. Because truly, if you think about it the bullies were always the ones that had serious insecurities or problems in their personal lives..

So why is it that people like me get it into their heads that others are staring, seeing all of the things that you feel stick out like a sore thumb? Who cares! Everyone is too wrapped up in their own lives and problems to be worried about you or your insecurities. 

Or is it just me? Am I the only one that gets this weird thought and feeling? Cause I could totally understand if I was.. I am a bit strange, and honestly insecure. So it wouldn't be impossible for me to be the only one..

But I am going to have a poll to the side about this! So let me know how you feel!

Have a very Happy Friday people! Don't forget to smile and enjoy this day :)

You, yourself, as much as anybody else in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection...

Admit it.. We've all had those times in this life when we have doubted ourselves, thought ourselves unworthy, focused on our flaws, wished we could change or be someone else.. Some more than others, but still, we all do it, we've all done it.. How could we not when we live in this day in age? Where pretty much nothing seems good enough and the competition between everyone is always so high. 

Now I'm not saying that it's a bad thing to want to change some things for the sake of our personal growth and development.. That's an entirely different thing. That should always be encouraged.. The problem begins when you start wanting to change not just the things you do, but who you are. You reach this point when you realize you are so dissatisfied with yourself that you feel like no amount of change could convince you that you're worthy and lovable.. When trust me, we are all always very worthy and very lovable..

I will admit, I am probably one of those people that struggles with this more than others. I find it so much easier to love other people than myself.. Even though I know the problem is that you can't truly love someone else until you love yourself.. But still, that's usually where I'm at. I am more often in a state of comparing myself to others and self loathing than I am in a state of loving and accepting myself. It's a problem, I know. And I work on it everyday..

I realize that the fact that I struggle with this just as much or more than anyone else makes it so that I may not be the best person to be giving out advice on the subject.. But then again, maybe I am. I find that more people (including myself) are great at coming up with awesome advice, just not taking it for themselves. So, I guess you can take or leave what I have to say.. But I strongly encourage you listening to at least some of it.. Because what I have to say isn't just coming from me, but from some of the strongest and smartest people that I know of in history, and some of the most amazing people I know today. With all that said, I am going to share some of what's helped me, and what I have seen help others.. Until you learn to love yourself, there is no way you can know the greatest love..

First, you have to realize that you are not your body.. Our bodies are just a vessel for something much more beautiful and pure, your spirit. We were all spirits living with God, the most pure and wonderful being, before we were sent here to this Earth. Our physical forms do not define us. It is truly what is inside you that counts, it is what's inside you that is truly you. And trust me, it is beautiful and wonderful in every way. And beside that, when you down your physical being, you are downing the gift and creation that our Father has very generously given you. Are you going to be ungrateful for something He so generously and lovingly gave you? 

Second, know that you are not your worst mistake. Yes, our past actions have shaped today. But we are not what we've been. Whatever you've done that you may not be proud of, it's over. We do not need to carry around labels or mistakes from yesterday that define us. We can judge ourselves by our weakest moments or our strongest moments. That choice is completely up to you. I encourage that you focus on your strongest moments, and you'll be shocked at how many more strong and proud moments you'll have or create.

Third, know you have nothing to prove. I don't care how confident or successful someone is. There are things they're proud of, and things they're ashamed of. And inside they wish people would see more of the former and less of the latter. We all want validation, it's a human need that's ground into us to feel connected to other people; and often times, when we feel alone it's because we feel like we haven't proven how good we are or can be. You don't have to show the world you're good. You don't have to try to hide the things you've done that might not seem flattering. You just need to forgive and accept yourself and trust that other people will, as well. Being authentic means being vulnerable, letting people see all of your different sides, and trusting they won't judge you, and knowing that if they do that's completely on them. I personally would rather be real with people and know the ones who accept me accept me as me, than pretend and have to maintain an illusion of something I'm not. 

Fourth, see the dark as valuable. What I mean is, you've made mistakes, but who hasn't? Really? The true beauty of faltering is that you can help the world and yourself with your experiences. Because we have hurt, and because we do hurt, we can empathize with those that are hurting. We can reach outside of ourselves, forget our own pains, and hold other people up when they need it. The fact that we have strengths and weaknesses makes us so beautifully and imperfectly human. If we didn't all have less flattering traits and stories, this life would be pretty much pointless. When you realize your flaws and love them, you can help bring more of the people in this world together. And then you will see your flaws less as liabilities, but more as assets. 

Fifth, know deeply and completely that you matter. Sometimes it is very hard to realize that what we do, and what we say, matters. This world can seem so big that we feel like we aren't making any kind of impact, negative or positive. It's easy to just start feeling like we have no real purpose.. When truly this world is much smaller than we think, and little things can make a big impact. Know that you touch countless people's lives everyday. Just because someone isn't blogging or tweeting about it doesn't mean it isn't true. Just like George Bailey in It's a Wonderful Life, you do kind things that have a ripple effect you can't possibly measure. Even if not everyone has recognized it, you make a positive difference in the world. You matter. That smile, or that hug, or that compliment you gave someone matters.

And finally, sixth, positive actions and feelings breed more. All those warm fuzzy feelings you may get mean very little if you're sitting alone wishing you could experience the world differently. Once you accept that you're worthy of love, and your dreams, you can actually create those things.. Not doing what we think we should do, but what we want to do. Get out into the world. Do that thing that scares and excites you that you've never been brave enough to do before. And recognize that you're amazing for doing it, even if you've only just made one small step towards it. Give yourself permission to not be perfect, and instead focus on progress. Love in action everyday, do something kind for yourself, do something kind for others, do something kind for the world. Acknowledge your weaknesses, don't try and cover them up, instead just work to improve them, but say loud and proud that they will not define you. If you start worrying about the future, or remembering the past, remind yourself that you deserve to live in the present. But remember, only you can make that happen..

In the end, as always, you yourself are the key. Only you can make all of these things happen. Only you can realize these things. Yes others can help and encourage you, but in the end the final product is all up to you.

Love yourself, every inch of yourself. Soul and physical being. Only say and think kind things about yourself... I know when I do this it surprises me how much my whole day, mood and outlook can really and truly improve. When you really love yourself you are opened up to a much bigger, better and happier world in so much more ways than one. And you can also start to love and accept others on a whole other level.

Trust me, every being on this planet deserves this.. We deserve to be happy with ourselves, and it is very possible.. No matter where you are, what you've done, how you look, or how you think you should be.. You deserve to let all the bad go, and just let the happiness and joy in..

To be truly beautiful is to be yourself. You don't need to be accepted by others. You need to be accepted by yourself.

Realizations

Yesterday night made me feel so.. Dumbfounded. Amazed. Silly. Alive. Happy... And so many other emotions. But most of all, it made me open my eyes and, well, "realize". To sum up exactly what I mean I guess I could say in way it was like one big long "Ah-Ha" moment. I realized, fully realized, and understood my life. And I appreciated it, and loved it and took every single glorious second of it in. No I'm not saying that I totally got my purpose in life, why God put me in here or anything.. More that I realized I actually had a purpose, a reason for living. Am I making any sense? By no means was yesterday extremely special at all.. at least not in the way some of you are probably thinking. Nothing spectacular happened. What made it amazing was more how I chose to look at it and experience it. And I was nothing short of happy, in it's truest form. I wish I could always open up my mind, body, and soul like I did yesterday. I never fully understood how much I've been completely held back by my insecurities and anxieties. I don't know how I was able to let them go so completely last night, but I did, and believe me.. I soaked it all up. I don't remember the last time I felt so.. Free. There was no fear, there was no panic or pain.. My worries left my mind. And I have only one person to thank for that. James.. My best friend, my boyfriend, my rock. What did he do that was so special? Well, nothing that's really out of his ordinary behavior.. But still very sweet and extremely special to me on this particular night. A few days before this I had complained that we never watched what I wanted to watch, and at the time I was really wanting to watch a "chick-flick".. So later he looked some of these up, to find something that he thought we would both enjoy. He kept it a secret, then picked me up a couple of days later, took me to a simple dinner, then took me back to his house so we could watch the movie he rented. When I finally found out what movie it was, I'll admit I couldn't stop smiling. It was so simple, yet so perfect. Cheesy? Yes, I know. But, frankly, I don't care. Because it's so true. We laid there and he just held me and we watched the movie. Simple and brilliant. And my mind was free, totally free of the bad. Then we even watched some top gear (like I knew he'd want to), and I was totally content. We talked and laughed, and (miracles do happen!) I stayed completely awake. But shockingly, the most amazing part of the night wasn't any of that, it was the drive home. We were laughing and joking together, and I was teasing him a little.. It was then that I really realized that he truly is my best friend. As we got closer to my house I rolled the windows down. He smiled and said "well that means it's time to change the music!". As he changed the music to some of his dub-step, and turned it up on his (lets face it) totally pimped out stereo, I couldn't help but smile because I realized that he really is my rock, he'll always be there, smiling, trying to make me smile, and making things better. Then as we reached the neighborhood streets he changed the music back to the more classical orchestrated stuff (his mix of music has always made me laugh) I was very aware of his hand in mine and as I looked out the window at the stars, memories came flooding back to me. Memories of how it all started, of all the times we've already had together, the good and the bad... And it hit me, almost like a slap to the face.. I realized how much I truly and completely love this man. I mean I knew I loved him before, no doubt, but I hadn't ever felt it so completely, so purely, and so strongly. I've never felt like this about anyone before... And I don't plan to either. I know I would have family and friends that would scoff at this and say I was going about dating all wrong, that I'm too young and couldn't know. And before I would have agreed with them, I have agreed with them before. But now I realize how true the saying "when you know, you know." is. I feel it in my bones, in my very core, and in my soul how much I love him. And it's pure and wonderful. And I'm shocked by it, not in a bad way, but it's not what I expected. I had a plan for my life, but lets face it, life isn't always what we expect, it doesn't stick to the plan. And right now, I couldn't be happier about that..

P.S. Shh don't tell him any of this.. I may never live it down ;)

P.P.S. This song felt pretty appropriate :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rO5sCr_ySrM