Realizations

Yesterday night made me feel so.. Dumbfounded. Amazed. Silly. Alive. Happy... And so many other emotions. But most of all, it made me open my eyes and, well, "realize". To sum up exactly what I mean I guess I could say in way it was like one big long "Ah-Ha" moment. I realized, fully realized, and understood my life. And I appreciated it, and loved it and took every single glorious second of it in. No I'm not saying that I totally got my purpose in life, why God put me in here or anything.. More that I realized I actually had a purpose, a reason for living. Am I making any sense? By no means was yesterday extremely special at all.. at least not in the way some of you are probably thinking. Nothing spectacular happened. What made it amazing was more how I chose to look at it and experience it. And I was nothing short of happy, in it's truest form. I wish I could always open up my mind, body, and soul like I did yesterday. I never fully understood how much I've been completely held back by my insecurities and anxieties. I don't know how I was able to let them go so completely last night, but I did, and believe me.. I soaked it all up. I don't remember the last time I felt so.. Free. There was no fear, there was no panic or pain.. My worries left my mind. And I have only one person to thank for that. James.. My best friend, my boyfriend, my rock. What did he do that was so special? Well, nothing that's really out of his ordinary behavior.. But still very sweet and extremely special to me on this particular night. A few days before this I had complained that we never watched what I wanted to watch, and at the time I was really wanting to watch a "chick-flick".. So later he looked some of these up, to find something that he thought we would both enjoy. He kept it a secret, then picked me up a couple of days later, took me to a simple dinner, then took me back to his house so we could watch the movie he rented. When I finally found out what movie it was, I'll admit I couldn't stop smiling. It was so simple, yet so perfect. Cheesy? Yes, I know. But, frankly, I don't care. Because it's so true. We laid there and he just held me and we watched the movie. Simple and brilliant. And my mind was free, totally free of the bad. Then we even watched some top gear (like I knew he'd want to), and I was totally content. We talked and laughed, and (miracles do happen!) I stayed completely awake. But shockingly, the most amazing part of the night wasn't any of that, it was the drive home. We were laughing and joking together, and I was teasing him a little.. It was then that I really realized that he truly is my best friend. As we got closer to my house I rolled the windows down. He smiled and said "well that means it's time to change the music!". As he changed the music to some of his dub-step, and turned it up on his (lets face it) totally pimped out stereo, I couldn't help but smile because I realized that he really is my rock, he'll always be there, smiling, trying to make me smile, and making things better. Then as we reached the neighborhood streets he changed the music back to the more classical orchestrated stuff (his mix of music has always made me laugh) I was very aware of his hand in mine and as I looked out the window at the stars, memories came flooding back to me. Memories of how it all started, of all the times we've already had together, the good and the bad... And it hit me, almost like a slap to the face.. I realized how much I truly and completely love this man. I mean I knew I loved him before, no doubt, but I hadn't ever felt it so completely, so purely, and so strongly. I've never felt like this about anyone before... And I don't plan to either. I know I would have family and friends that would scoff at this and say I was going about dating all wrong, that I'm too young and couldn't know. And before I would have agreed with them, I have agreed with them before. But now I realize how true the saying "when you know, you know." is. I feel it in my bones, in my very core, and in my soul how much I love him. And it's pure and wonderful. And I'm shocked by it, not in a bad way, but it's not what I expected. I had a plan for my life, but lets face it, life isn't always what we expect, it doesn't stick to the plan. And right now, I couldn't be happier about that..

P.S. Shh don't tell him any of this.. I may never live it down ;)

P.P.S. This song felt pretty appropriate :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rO5sCr_ySrM