Life. Of life. Sweet life.
I love you. I hate you. I adore you. I loath you.
Some days I can't decide exactly how I feel about you. Or exactly how to go about living with you.
I don't have you handled. And I probably never will. I don't expect to, I'm not naive, and you are ever changing.
Sometimes you make me feel crazy. Like the last few weeks for example. Living in my mind is hardly ever easy. You did after all bless me with anxiety and PTSD after certain events that unfolded years ago..
I know.. I know.. They unfolded because of me and my personal actions. But still..
So many people don't understand. They don't understand what it is like to live in a constant battlefield. They think someone like me should just simply jump the hurdle and "get over it".. Why don't the understand? Why don't they even try to understand? It isn't that simple. Never has been. Never will be. If it was I would do it. Don't they see that? No one like me wants to continue living with insanity and war zones swirling around in their head.. We don't like feeling like this. In fact, unfortunately and tragically, so many people like me commit suicide because they feel so alone and the don't know how to cope.
No. No. I am not going to ever commit suicide. I find my life to precious. I see too much good in it. Even during my bad times. So don't worry. Never you worry.. We aren't done with each other just yet!
I just wish that they could see. I wish everyone else could see.. That this is real, what I feel, what others like me feel.. It is very real. And it is very scary. For them going to work, or going out shopping is easy, often it is fun for them.. But for me it is one of the most challenging things I have to do in a day, it takes a lot of mental preparation and a lot of self motivation. As always, some days are easier than others.. And some are harder. Some days I feel normal. And some days I feel like I am being buried alive.
What do I struggle with exactly? Well I'll tell you. I have GAD (generalized anxiety disorder), PTSD, and Hypochondria.
I have struggled with Hypochondria since I was a kid.. When someone filled me in on what Cancer was. And something just slipped in my brain.. No I've never done any of it for "attention" an no I am not making fun of anyone with any disease.. It makes me sick to think that others think that of me.. If I could help it I would. If I could stop it with the snap of my fingers I would. In fact, it is extremely hard for me to admit I have this to myself, let alone other people.. Sometimes when I am 100% sure I need a doctor I don't even tell anyone, because I fear they will think I am lying.. So I just go on knowing how sick I am.. I go until the point that I am so much more ill than I ever needed to be.. All because I am embarrassed. All because people don't believe me just because I am a Hypochondriac. But let me fill you in on a little something.. Wouldn't it be better for me to get things checked out when they need to be instead of me masking them and hiding them from everyone? Wouldn't it be better to speak up so I can get to the bottom of if it is real or something in my head? Wouldn't it be better than to find out too late that I did in fact have something serious? Think about that the next time a hypochondriac comes to you for help.. I know we can get pesky.. But we don't open up to just anyone... Luckily I personally have mastered my body and what is stress and anxiety, and what isn't.. I know the difference now for myself between what is my mind and what is a real issue. I sincerely hope other Hypochondriacs can reach that point.. It wasn't easy.. And sometimes it is hard to maintain.. But I have found strength in myself, and my small support system. And for that I will always be grateful.
My GAD and PTSD are basically one in the same. They both hit me hard a few years ago after a few deeply personal events.. That I will not discuss in a public post that everyone can see. Simply because they involve other people, and I do not have the right to reveal anything about their personal lives, whether it be anonymous or not. Luckily I have also come to mostly master these two things.. But it still isn't easy living in my head with them. I relapse sometimes. It's funny how a moment I haven't thought of for months can come raging back sometimes, like it never left. I don't know exactly what triggers it.. I am still trying to master that..
No I will not use a pill. I believe that whatever was created with your mind in the first place can be fixed again with your mind. Simple, yet so complicated. The mind and body are extremely powerful. If they were powerful enough to create the anxiety.. They can be powerful enough to over come it. Not that I don't need help sometimes.. Between my lovely small circle of people who have always supported me and helped me.. And natural remedies like teas, meditation, aromatherapy, and acupressure... I have become so much better. So much stronger.
I believe that some of the strongest people deal with some form of anxiety. Simply because the weak couldn't take it. They would crumble.. That may sound harsh. And maybe it isn't true.. But I believe it. Simply because I know how hard it is to live with it.. I know how strong I have had to be at so many points in my life.. And I watch fellow sufferers do the same. We are not weak people as some would choose to believe.. We embody strength.
Anxiety is real. PTSD is real. They are diagnoseable. Before the next time you tell someone to "get over it"please think twice.. They wish they could. They wish it was that simple.. Oh how the wish that.. And if they have opened up to you with this, it is a huge thing for them. It means they trust you more than anyone else.. And it hurts them more than you could imagine when you are so cold towards them. People like me don't want this. We want to get better. And we are trying, every day. Whether someone is taking meds for it, or they are like me and going natural.. They are trying. Please be kind.
I live in a battlefield every day. And that battlefield is my mind.
