Life is beautiful. Life is crazy. It's insane. But it's a gift. There is absolutely no doubt about that. It's probably.. No it IS... The greatest gift ever given.
Each day we go through life wondering if we're going down the right path... Doing the right thing, making the right choices.
We meet new people. Some of them stay, and some of them don't. But each person we meet, we meet for a reason. They were put on a path to find us, and we were put on a path to find them. You found them for a reason... Good... Bad.. Or maybe something in between.
We make mistakes for a reason. To learn. But learn what? Well that is for us to find out... Or not find out.. Depending on the situation.
We make choices always wondering if they were right. But never really knowing. And that's okay, isn't it? Life isn't about always knowing or seeing the right way. What would be the point in that? What would you learn? You might not always be on the right path, you may stumble, you may fall.. But the point is to pick yourself back up again when you do.
Life is a journey. A journey that moves quickly.. You never know how much time you have, and even when you feel like you have a lot, you never really do..
No one sees eye to eye. And that's okay. Why should you? No one signed up for the same journey. No one is meant to learn the same things.
Life is always being given, and taken. If you feel you should make a choice or do something... Don't hesitate. Don't think about what others would think or do. You aren't here for them. You are here for you, and only you. So jump.
We all have our own unique reality. No one sees the world, or a moment, in the same way.
Your life is beautiful. Your life is unique. Your life is yours.
You don't have to believe what everyone else believes. Or see what everyone else sees.
Being different is okay. And messing up is part of life. Don't believe absolutely everything people tell you too. Think objectively... But don't be too quick to judge either.
Take it step by step. Day by day. Minute by minute. Second by second.
You'll stumble.. You'll fall.. But even when you do, you'll always have something good come to remind you of the beauty that is you and your life.
You weren't sent here to be like everyone else.. So follow your heart... And most of all...
Carpe Diem.
The truth about love is it's pure, unassuming, non-judging, accepting, unwavering.
Love is patient, it is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast. Love isn't self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps absolutely no record of wrongs.
Love is quick to forgive, it does not delight in evils, but rejoices in truth. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes and always preserves.
Love never fails. Love knows no bounds, it is far reaching and endless. Love is not stopped by anything, at least not true love. Love spreads through all religions, all races, all languages, all living things.
Love is a force unlike any other, it cannot be seen or measured, yet it is powerful enough to transform you in a moment, and offer you more joy than any possession could.
Love is friendship caught on fire. It is quiet, understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. Love settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses.
The best proof of love is trust. And love is not altered when alteration find a person or situation. A meaningful love is never changing, it is something deep within you, always holding on, a passionate fire that cannot be doused. When you have true love no amount of political differences, religious differences, money, family, age, race, or career will get in the way.
Love is when you want to give someone the moon and the stars. Love is compromise. Love is flawed perfection. Love is stolen glances, or a soft kiss. Love is when you wouldn't change the other person, not even their flaws or differences.
Love does not keep score. Love is sacrifice. Love is messy, yet wonderful. Love is brilliant and painful. Love never lets go, even when the times get tough. Love is steadfast and relentless. Love burns deep in your veins, unquenchable.
And when you find someone who inspires those feelings in you, and you know they feel the same... That is when you have found life. Life in a terrible yet beautiful force. Life in something irreplaceable and unbreakable. Life in something unchanging in an ever changing world... Never let it go... If you do, it'll be the one thing you regret.
Sigh.. I've meant to write this.. Or something like it.. For a while now. But I just haven't been brave enough. I'm afraid of the responses I'll get by sharing something this personal. I don't need any hateful or degrading comments.. But at the same time I want to get the word out there, I want to spread awareness and create understanding. What do I want to spread awareness about?
Anxiety!
Hypochondria!
There.. At least the topic is out there.. Whew! Ha.... Ahh... The worst isn't even over yet and I am already feeling extremely self conscious and worried. Oh please oh please let this all be worth it..
Okay, lets start! Well if any of you have read my past Blog posts you probably already know that I suffer from anxiety... Two types actually. Generalized anxiety (where you get anxious about a lot of things and sometimes don't even know why) and Hypochondria (health anxiety. Pretty much when you worry about getting all of the worst diseases out there). So you know I suffer from them.. But do you know just how much I suffer from these things? Do you understand what they are? Do you think I'm crazy because I have these things? Ah there could be so many questions! I figure it's about time I answer some of them and set a few things straight.
Let me just inform you right now that, as I am writing this, it is not to gain sympathy, not to complain, not to say my life is harder than anyone else's, not to get attention, it's none of that. My intention is pretty much only to raise awareness about something that I know all too well about.. And I am kind of sick of people judging these things wrongly, or making fun of people that have these things. Writing about this is far from easy for me. This topic is very personal and really hits home for me. After all I do live it every day... It is my life, it is my struggle. Generalized anxiety, and Hypochondria.
These two things are very real, very serious, and very overlooked. Hardly anyone takes these things seriously. Not even many doctors do. People think that either they don't really exist and it's all in a persons head, or that it's just something a person should be able to easily get rid of, or it's just something a person creates to gain attention. But my favorite thing is when people think that those who suffer from any form of anxiety are crazy, flat out looney bin crazy!
Trust me.. I have lost many people that I thought I could call "friend" after I tried to tell them that I struggle with these forms of anxiety and depression. The saddest part is that I don't just go around sharing this information lightly. I don't just meet someone and like the next day say "Hey! I suffer from anxiety and depression!" no! I'm not stupid. I wouldn't just spring something like that on someone I just met and want to become friends with. I save that information until I think they have become a closer friend, someone I think I can trust, then I tell them. It's just sad that some people have let me down...
Having these issues is hard. It's a battle with constant heartache and disappointment.. Constant losses and very few wins.
I feel like those who abandon me, or people like me are just people who are very uninformed about these disorders. They are the people who are scared of it. It's almost like they feel like we are contagious or that we are going to go "Serial Killer Crazy" on them... But I kind of understand why people may get these fears. I mean people do fear what they don't understand, right? But trust me, we will not rub off on you, anxiety isn't something you can just catch, and 99% of the time if we are going to be destructive toward anyone or anything it will be ourselves. And the other 1% is usually inanimate objects.. Like when we throw a book against the wall, or scream into a pillow..
So to start out I am going to answer the most obvious question. What is anxiety? Well generalized anxiety is a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome (though I and I'm sure others like me, will tell you that sometimes the anxiety just comes out of no where). Anyone can experience anxiety on any level, it isn't just limited to those of us with a diagnosable disorder. The only difference is that people like me are basically always living in that state of fear or panic that others will only experience, lets say, before a recital, or a big test. Just take a second here to imagine living with that feeling of complete panic and unease that you've had before 24/7. You wake up with that feeling, go to work or school with that feeling, and go to bed with that feeling. And it's pretty much and never ending relentless cycle.. That my friends is the day in the life of a person with generalized anxiety disorder. Yes it sucks, and yes it's hard. But we function, we survive day by day with this. After all what choice do we have? Time keeps ticking, the world keeps spinning, some days are harder than others, but we get by and function at pretty normal levels. The worst part is when we feel our minds are at rest, our bodies will still be experiencing symptoms of panic and stress so those feelings never really go away.
Anxiety and stress.. They are kind of like this sick twisted game. The only rule is, there are no rules. One day, or one minute, or one second, you could be feeling so nauseated that you could vomit, and the next you'll have muscle twitching or aches and pains or all of the above! It's ever changing. Right when you think you have figured out how to cope with one thing, it hits you smack in the face with something new, and BAM! You are back at the bottom, right where you started. Then you have to learn how to cope and adapt again, sometimes it takes more effort and sometimes it takes less. It all just depends on what you are more able to handle.
Now ask yourself another question, you as a person that doesn't live with anxiety... Lets say that tomorrow you wake up with anxiety, not the fleeting anxiety we've all experienced, no, you have full blown anxiety. Your stomach rolls with nausea, your head is pounding... You're frightened, extremely frightened, but you're not really sure why. Why should you be scared or stressed? You don't know, nothing comes to mind. You just can't pin it down.. Your palms are starting to get sweaty, your mind is racing, you're starting to get shaky.. Your throat starts to tighten and you feel like you can't breathe.. You're sure you're going to die, because this is what death must feel like, right? ...
Imagine that, and living with it, to a certain extent, everyday... Could you live? Could you survive? Could you function? Honestly. You think anxiety is made up? All in someone's head? Try living with that and all of the self loathing that comes with it, then try telling me it's not real.
Now let me bring something else to light. Your co-worker, your friend, your babysitter... They act normal right? Happy, living life to the fullest... You spend time with them or see them often. For all you know though, they are living life with a form of anxiety, or maybe another mental disorder and you just don't know it. Without thinking they have a disorder, do they scare you? Just thinking about them, the last time you were with them, do they scare you? Make you feel uneasy? Do they rub off on you? I know what your answer will be.. That answer is no. Not they don't, they don't do any of those things. Now imagine they do have a form of anxiety. Has anything really changed? Has the person changed? Has the way they act changed? No, I can promise the answer is no. Not really. The only thing that has changed is your knowledge about the fact that they have anxiety. That does not suddenly turn the person into some kind of scary monster. After all, they have always just kept their issues to themselves, you just didn't know they were. They aren't going to completely change now and become a different person. The only thing that might change is the fact that they may talk to you about it a little because they need some support. Going through this type of thing alone isn't easy. If a person trusts you enough to tell you something so personal, and you freak out, you're the monster, not them.. And honestly, if you do that, you need an attitude adjustment.. And maybe some therapy of your own, because when you freak out over something like that you must have some issues of your own going on.
Now for the next part... What is Hypochondria? Well that's basically just a fancy word for "health anxiety". Pretty much the same definition as generalized anxiety, only instead of being afraid of every day things, a person with Hypochondria has a fear of health issues. Usually the health problems that are the worst ones out there. The ones that are rare, can cause death or serious life impairment.
A person with health anxiety usually suffers from symptoms of an illness they most fear. Their body and their mind create these things simply because the person fears it. The mind and the body are both very powerful things, so when something is constantly on your mind, such as a fear, your mind with create it and make it seemingly real.. And your body will react. In my opinion health anxiety is the most crippling and scary form of anxiety that a person can have. Just like any other form of anxiety, the severity of it varies from person to person, but usually anyone who suffers from it will always make the same mistake... They visit "Dr. Google" every single time there body does something that is even slightly out of the norm. They visit Dr. Google or even their own doctor a huge amount of times. Some people with Hypochondria will even "doctor jump" because they simply can't believe it when their doctor says they are fine. After all, how could they be fine when they have all of these things happening? All of these things that seem so wrong? Not just anxiety and stress can create all of that! Oh.. But yes, yes it can! Once again, the rule when it comes to stress and anxiety is that there are no rules.. But people with Hypochondria often over look that, or forget that when things get bad. Myself included.
Hypochondria is scary. A person with this mental disorder can go broke with all of the doctor visits. Or be too nervous to go visit a doctor for anything so they just sit at home in a constant state of panic. Sometimes it even gets hard to differ between what symptom is real, or what symptom is not. It's mental agony. It's embarrassing. It's just flat out frustrating..
Like I said before, a person with Hypochondria can often suffer from symptoms of an illness. But we aren't talking the common cold, or even just the flu. No.. Those things are child's play! It's usually something much bigger and scarier than that. It's usually something like heart disease, ALS, or cancer.. And the list goes on and on... With Google out there being a Hypochondriacs worst enemy, sometimes I wonder if a person with health anxiety knows about more diseases than a doctor.. Not good.
The other problem is that a person can suffer from symptoms of one disease one day, then a completely different disease the next! Usually if they get symptoms though, its symptoms of a disease they obsess over, something that they fear above all of the other options out there.
No matter if a person with health anxiety gets symptoms or not, has consistent symptoms, or symptoms that are ever changing.. It is never easy, and it is always scary. A Hypochondriac will always be convincing themselves that they have the worst thing, they'll research it, and then the panic sets in.. A relentless cycle.
Some days are better than others for a person with any type of anxiety. Some treatments will work for a certain person, and do nothing for another person. Levels of severity vary. But one thing is always consistent.. People that deal with these things, or anything similar to it, are very strong. Getting through each day, functioning like anyone else, all with this crap going on, is very far from easy..
If you don't deal with anxiety, or depression, just realize we are human being just like you, only trying to do our best in this world and be happy. If these things scare you.. They shouldn't, a person with anxiety is still pretty much exactly like you. If we trust you and tell you something this personal, don't freak out. We aren't going to expect you to fix it for us, we aren't going to change, it isn't going to be the only thing we talk about.. It just means we trust you to give us some support, to see us and understand us as we really are, on a deeper level.
Everyone has some kind of baggage they carry with them. No two people are the same. Therefore our problems aren't the same. We can never pretend to really understand what a person is going through, but we can always be there to help each other, to love each other, and guide each other... And we can always try to understand a little better, before we go off judging someone.
So this past Thursday night I went to go see one of the best bands ever in concert... That's right! It was MUSE! It was absolutely amazing. If you ever get the opportunity to to see them live, take it, don't hesitate, take it! They are incredible. Seriously, he doesn't sound any different. I swear they do absolutely no editing to their songs at all. If you want to see talent they definitely have it. Such an amazing experience. The only thing I'm sad about is the fact that it had to land on such a crappy time.
I went to the concert not in the best spirits because of extremely recent events that have been very emotionally painful. But I went and tried to have a good time.. And while I did, there was a few times I just wanted to cry.. For example, when they played their song "Starlight". I never thought I would relate so strongly to that song. But then again I never thought I'd be in the situation I'm in right now, at least not for the past six months I didn't.
For about the past year and a half I have been extremely sure of what I want in my future. Sure, I do have some things to work on and solidify still, but that doesn't make me any less sure of what I want.. For the last six months I had thought I had found a big piece of what I wanted for myself in the future. I thought I had found the person I wanted to spend my future with. I was so completely sure. I guess I still feel pretty sure.. Even though I don't know why, I have no reason to feel that way anymore, It's just a cruel trick I can't seem to stop playing on myself. Because how can you be sure when that person does not feel the same even in the slightest? Funny how we can be so extremely wrong about things we feel so solid and secure in. This all just feels so surreal.. I keep feeling like I'm dreaming and I'll wake up and everything will still be okay.. But then when it hits me that I'm not dreaming I just want to sit and cry..
Time.. I need time. Time does heal. But I don't want to put that time in.. I just want to skip this part, sleep through it, then wake up when this part is over..
Funny how when you are going through a hard time all you really seem to hear are sad songs... Sad songs! Like that's what you need when you're already depressed. Getting up and going through the day trying to act okay is hard enough without that crap! For instance.. Go look up "What you wanted" by Onerepublic, and "Can't Stop" by Onerepublic. Those are two songs that won't seem to stop going through my head lately. Stupid radio..
Anyway! I guess when God closes one door He opens another right? I'm still sure about what I want in my future. I am just going on a different path to get there than the one I thought I was going on. And now that I have officially been set free it's time for me to walk through that door..
Here we go!!
I'm thinking China? Or maybe Africa? Both have been dreams of mine... Hmm now I just have to decide which one I want more right now. Anyone interested in hearing about what I'd be doing there? Or going with me? I would be very happy to give you information if you want it!
Despite the hurt I am still feeling... I am excited for my next chapter.. I'm looking toward the future with nothing but eagerness...
Just gotta get through the hard part...
And.. Here.. We... Go...
When I say this.. I honestly am not trying to say that my life is the hardest thing ever.. But honestly.. My life is anything but easy right now. I mean it was getting pretty good there for a little while, I was starting to hold my head high again, accept some things, change some things.. I could feel strength pulsing in my veins again. But that all changed with one little letter from my friend serving a mission in Japan.
This particular friend has been my rock for so long. One of the few people I felt I could always rely on no matter what. I have lost a lot of people and a lot of things that I held very dear, that I thought I could trust and rely on... All because I don't have a title.. I am not Mormon.. And while I don't care when someone chooses to believe differently I have found that I cannot expect that of other people. I chose to leave the church, for some deeply personal reasons, along with some other things I learned that made me far from happy. But I won't elaborate on any of that, because I have made a personal decision not to push my beliefs on anyone in any way.. If someone wants to know they can ask, and I'll gladly share. All I know is that this change is something I know I needed to do and am very happy with.
The only problem is.. The losses I have suffered. But that is not because of my choice. My choice is not bad. It's the people.. I am not calling them bad, no, I would never do that, after all even after losing them they still hold a dear place in my heart and always will. Just because they no longer care about me doesn't mean I don't care about them. The problem is these people chose to look at the religion, not the person, they valued the religion a lot more, they saw me as a religion and not ME. I myself have not changed in the slightest, I am still and always will be that person they claimed to love, a title has just changed. But that was enough..
I have lost family and friends. I have lost people I thought I could rely on forever. And each time I lost someone, it hurt so much. Like a knife slowly slicing through me, not killing me but leaving me extremely wounded. I expected so much more from these people. I was always disappointed but at the same time didn't ever hold it against anyone. After all I do know that the Mormon church teaches to not get too close to those who aren't Mormon, I was present for those lessens. While I strongly disagree with that, I know people believe in it, and I will never be someone to bash someones belief, if it works for them that is all that matters. Religion is a deeply personal choice, unique and individual for each person, and it won't work the same for everyone. Each persons beliefs should never be mocked, talked down about, or disregarded.
I thought I was done with this pain of losing people I had grown to care so much about. But today when I got a letter from a friend I learned that I was wrong. I had just lost someone else. Someone so near and dear to my heart. That's when the pain started... Deep and searing and unyielding. Like a black hole was swallowing me whole.. Then something hit me hard like a rock.. I still had someone else.. Someone who literally means the world to me. He is my world.. Someone who I have never been 100% sure where he stands with the church.. And I knew.. I knew right then that I had to get this all cleared up with him too. James. When I realized this I knew deep down that I was about to lose him, and the pain inside started. But I still had a slim glimmer of hope.. I won't go into too much detail about how that conversation went, but basically it didn't go well for me.. I have lost two people in one day, in a couple of hours time. Two people that meant so much to me. Don't get me wrong. James was not once ever mean to me during that conversation. Which was a nice relief. He never said I was bad or anything for my different beliefs. But I have still lost him. And the fact that he was kind doesn't do anything to ease this incredible pain that I fear will never leave..
I seriously feel like someone is slowly and meticulously tearing my heart apart and it's hard to breathe.. All while I feel like my body is just going to completely fall apart. I think about my future that I was so sure James would be in without him and I just have to curl into a ball of pain and sob. I honestly don't really know how I'll move on and really be happy.. But I know at this point I have no choice but to have to... I will always miss that amazing man. I'll miss him to my very core and there will always be an ache in the place of my heart where he will always belong. I will always want and love him.. But life isn't always fair. And we don't always get what we want. And I will be strong. I will get through this.
Time does heal.. However slowly.
James, I truly hope you are able to find complete happiness. You are amazing and deserve nothing less than to always wake up with a smile on your face. My opinion of you is extremely high, and it will never be lowered. The world needs more people like you. Go on to fulfill your dreams, never let go of them because I know you are good enough to achieve them. Find a girl that is everything you want, and never let her go, and never settle for anything less. God really did good when he created you. Honestly.
I guess now it's time to go eat loads of ice cream and start to heal myself.
So yesterday I saw something that disturbed me. It filled me with anger and shame at pretty much the exact moment that I saw it. And the saddest part is, it was a stinkin' bumper sticker. It said "I'm not racist, I hate Biden too."
I was shocked by how quickly that got a rise out of me. A simple thing like a bumper sticker angered me... Only the fact is, it wasn't so simple.. It isn't so simple. It's not simple because this is just a taste of the mindset the people of this country have, and we as the people that live here represent the shape our country will take in the future.
We were once a proud country. Strong. United. Respectful. Brave. Daring. Smart. And that one stupid bumper sticker wipes that all away. It wipes away everything our forefathers tried to build for us. And it feels me with shame and sadness to see that happening.
Seeing that made me not so proud to be an American.
I notice more and more lately that at least 98% of the people (at least the people here in Utah) have less than zero respect for the President of the United States and the people he chooses to help him lead the country. They have no respect and they hate. Hate. Such a strong emotion that should never under any circumstance be used lightly. Yet that is exactly what people are doing. They are using it far too lightly.
Seriously. Do you feel no shame when you openly bash our leaders? In particular our president? Does it make you feel good to spread all of that hate? Especially when most of the people spreading this disrespect and hate are Mormon. Members of the LDS church. The church that claims to be the one true religion, and claim to be the most Christ like and closest to God. I hope it feels you all with satisfaction. Because frankly, it sickens me.
Let me tell you something. When you are spreading such harsh and awful feelings, towards ANYONE, not just our president, our leader, you are being the absolute furthest thing from Christ like. You are putting an awful name out there for your church and the things you teach. You are a terrible representation. Just think that over for a second. Get your priorities straightened out.
Obama. The leader of your country. Deserves your respect. At all times. No one expects you to agree with him completely, or agree to all of his choices. I myself don't agree with everything he has done. But I do respect him, and I see what he is trying to do, the things he is trying to accomplish. And he is trying his absolute best. I would like to see any of you try and attempt to do better. I can promise none of you could.
Let me give you a news flash. He is a human being. And being a human being comes with many imperfections and the fact that we will all make mistakes. Some of you claim that Romney would have done better because of the fact that he is Mormon. Well here's another news flash for you. Romney is also a human being and would have fallen to the same things Obama has. Mistakes. Sure he would have made different decisions, but that in no way at all promises they would have fixed anything, or made anything any better. And the fact that he is LDS does not make him God. He would have been far from perfect. You would have found many many flaws in his leadership, although you would have been less quick to admit that because of your pride.
As an example of you wanting someone, apparently anyone, besides our current president. Think back to when McCain was running against Obama. A lot of you would have rejoiced it McCain had won at the time. Well guess what people? McCain was caught playing poker on his Iphone in a conference about Syria. Currently one of the biggest national struggles. Simply because he was feeling "bored and stressed". Does that not tell you something? Would you be happy with a man like that as President? Simple answer, no. And if you said yes, you know very well that you're lying to yourself. McCain made a mistake. A huge mistake. He is human.
Wake up people! This country was already down a very dark bad path before Obama became president. He got landed in the worst possible situation. He became president right when everyone wanted someone to blame. And ever since he got this position he has done NOTHING but try to dig us out of this pit in the best way he sees possible. There has been some downfalls, and some good things. Wrong and right turns. But the entire time, he has had nothing but good intentions. So where is the respect? Respect for this man that is doing nothing but trying to save us? Nothing but giving basically his life to try and help this country that he has grown to love?
None of you would do better. And I can guarantee none of you would take his seat given the chance, because you know how terribly hard it would be. And you know you couldn't pull off a miracle. So why are you expecting him to? So where is the respect he more than deserves? You don't have to like him. You don't have to agree with him. But you should respect this man.
I hope that after reading this if you are one of the people that has spread so much hate, I hope you are filled with shame and embarrassment. Because frankly your actions are immature, childish, and disgraceful. YOU and only YOU are giving this country a bad name. Not Obama. Not the people that work with him. YOU. He isn't spreading hate. And he has more respect for all of you than you do for him when it should be the other way around.
Shame on you. Do some serious soul searching and figure your crap out. Because this has gotten way past the line of ridiculous.
Wow. It's ridiculous how quick life changes. It's funny how one little seemingly insignificant thing can bring back so many memories, memories that you thought you had lost.. Or at least stored away somewhere so deep never to resurface again. Basically, all I can say is.. Life was so incredibly different a year ago.. And even more different a couple of years ago.. It's not like I haven't noticed this until now, but still. So much passes in the blink of an eye.
Truly, it may sound stupid, but I have been through so much within the past couple years.. Really a short amount of time. I have had many experiences, good, bad, frustrating, painful, the whole lot. I have taken so much from each one of them and in my own opinion at least, I have become better because of these many experiences. Stronger. Smarter.
I have been knocked down so many times in this life. But each time I have managed to get up, even though I have truthfully had times when I didn't want to get back up. I have been through things that would make a lot of your jaws drop. I have seen things that even some of the people closest to me don't know about... All I can say is I certainly carry a lot of baggage. I carry it all with me every single day of my life.
Sometimes certain things fade.. But they never truly disappear. And why should they? Even when you feel you want certain parts of your life to disappear, never to come back, when you feel like the pain is too much to bear.. There is no denying that your past is completely bound to you. Molding you, shaping you, into what you are, who you are today. Why would you take that away?
Even the painful things in our lives happened for a reason. Would you be who you are today without all the good and the bad? You can't take any of it away and expect you to be the same way you are now. It doesn't work like that... We have to take our hits along with our victories.
I am covered with scars. Scars that some can't see. And scars that I continue to hide. I have rough edges.. But I am very grateful for them. In spite of everything.
There was a time that I hated God. True and complete hate. Sounds horrible, huh? Well it sounds horrible because it was. But that doesn't make it any less true. I hated him for letting so much bad happen to me. I thought "how could he love me when he continues to let this stuff happen?" "If he is real he certainly doesn't care about me.".
Funny... Funny how when you are at the absolute lowest of the low.. The bottom of the darkest pit... You can suddenly find away to claw and scratch yourself all the way to the very top.. Bloody and ragged, but higher than everyone else.
Why does it take having the worst happen for us to suddenly wake up?
All I know is that now, in certain ways, I am more aware, than I every was before... More so than I ever thought I would be. Not in all ways, but some.. I have found a new strength in God, a new belief. This is something that makes me happier than I ever have been when it comes to the spiritual/religious side of me. I no longer hate or fear him. I have a more personal relationship with him. A deeper more meaningful relationship. I feel free. I feel more meaning in this life. I feel loved. I feel noticed. I no longer feel like an awful sinner that won't be good enough.. I no longer see certain things as bad that I used to.
I am awake.
And I didn't find any of this in Mormonism.. Or any other specific religion for that matter.
It took a lot of soul searching to get here... It took being hit so many times. Falling down. Hitting the bottom.
And guess what? It was so worth it.
