God is good.

Wow. It's ridiculous how quick life changes. It's funny how one little seemingly insignificant thing can bring back so many memories, memories that you thought you had lost.. Or at least stored away somewhere so deep never to resurface again. Basically, all I can say is.. Life was so incredibly different a year ago.. And even more different a couple of years ago.. It's not like I haven't noticed this until now, but still. So much passes in the blink of an eye.

Truly, it may sound stupid, but I have been through so much within the past couple years.. Really a short amount of time. I have had many experiences, good, bad, frustrating, painful, the whole lot. I have taken so much from each one of them and in my own opinion at least, I have become better because of these many experiences. Stronger. Smarter. 

I have been knocked down so many times in this life. But each time I have managed to get up, even though I have truthfully had times when I didn't want to get back up. I have been through things that would make a lot of your jaws drop. I have seen things that even some of the people closest to me don't know about... All I can say is I certainly carry a lot of baggage. I carry it all with me every single day of my life. 

Sometimes certain things fade.. But they never truly disappear. And why should they? Even when you feel you want certain parts of your life to disappear, never to come back, when you feel like the pain is too much to bear.. There is no denying that your past is completely bound to you. Molding you, shaping you, into what you are, who you are today. Why would you take that away? 

Even the painful things in our lives happened for a reason. Would you be who you are today without all the good and the bad? You can't take any of it away and expect you to be the same way you are now. It doesn't work like that... We have to take our hits along with our victories. 

I am covered with scars. Scars that some can't see. And scars that I continue to hide. I have rough edges.. But I am very grateful for them. In spite of everything.

There was a time that I hated God. True and complete hate. Sounds horrible, huh? Well it sounds horrible because it was. But that doesn't make it any less true. I hated him for letting so much bad happen to me. I thought "how could he love me when he continues to let this stuff happen?" "If he is real he certainly doesn't care about me.". 

Funny... Funny how when you are at the absolute lowest of the low.. The bottom of the darkest pit... You can suddenly find away to claw and scratch yourself all the way to the very top.. Bloody and ragged, but higher than everyone else. 

Why does it take having the worst happen for us to suddenly wake up? 

All I know is that now, in certain ways, I am more aware, than I every was before... More so than I ever thought I would be. Not in all ways, but some.. I have found a new strength in God, a new belief. This is something that makes me happier than I ever have been when it comes to the spiritual/religious side of me. I no longer hate or fear him. I have a more personal relationship with him. A deeper more meaningful relationship. I feel free. I feel more meaning in this life. I feel loved. I feel noticed. I no longer feel like an awful sinner that won't be good enough.. I no longer see certain things as bad that I used to. 

I am awake. 

And I didn't find any of this in Mormonism.. Or any other specific religion for that matter.

It took a lot of soul searching to get here... It took being hit so many times. Falling down. Hitting the bottom. 

And guess what? It was so worth it.