Getting Personal.

Sigh.. I've meant to write this.. Or something like it.. For a while now. But I just haven't been brave enough. I'm afraid of the responses I'll get by sharing something this personal. I don't need any hateful or degrading comments.. But at the same time I want to get the word out there, I want to spread awareness and create understanding. What do I want to spread awareness about? 

Anxiety! 

Hypochondria!

There.. At least the topic is out there.. Whew! Ha.... Ahh... The worst isn't even over yet and I am already feeling extremely self conscious and worried. Oh please oh please let this all be worth it..

Okay, lets start! Well if any of you have read my past Blog posts you probably already know that I suffer from anxiety... Two types actually. Generalized anxiety (where you get anxious about a lot of things and sometimes don't even know why) and Hypochondria (health anxiety. Pretty much when you worry about getting all of the worst diseases out there). So you know I suffer from them.. But do you know just how much I suffer from these things? Do you understand what they are? Do you think I'm crazy because I have these things? Ah there could be so many questions! I figure it's about time I answer some of them and set a few things straight.

Let me just inform you right now that, as I am writing this, it is not to gain sympathy, not to complain, not to say my life is harder than anyone else's, not to get attention, it's none of that. My intention is pretty much only to raise awareness about something that I know all too well about.. And I am kind of sick of people judging these things wrongly, or making fun of people that have these things. Writing about this is far from easy for me. This topic is very personal and really hits home for me. After all I do live it every day... It is my life, it is my struggle. Generalized anxiety, and Hypochondria.

These two things are very real, very serious, and very overlooked. Hardly anyone takes these things seriously. Not even many doctors do. People think that either they don't really exist and it's all in a persons head, or that it's just something a person should be able to easily get rid of, or it's just something a person creates to gain attention. But my favorite thing is when people think that those who suffer from any form of anxiety are crazy, flat out looney bin crazy!

Trust me.. I have lost many people that I thought I could call "friend" after I tried to tell them that I struggle with these forms of anxiety and depression. The saddest part is that I don't just go around sharing this information lightly. I don't just meet someone and like the next day say "Hey! I suffer from anxiety and depression!" no! I'm not stupid. I wouldn't just spring something like that on someone I just met and want to become friends with. I save that information until I think they have become a closer friend, someone I think I can trust, then I tell them. It's just sad that some people have let me down... 

Having these issues is hard. It's a battle with constant heartache and disappointment.. Constant losses and very few wins. 

I feel like those who abandon me, or people like me are just people who are very uninformed about these disorders. They are the people who are scared of it. It's almost like they feel like we are contagious or that we are going to go "Serial Killer Crazy" on them... But I kind of understand why people may get these fears. I mean people do fear what they don't understand, right? But trust me, we will not rub off on you, anxiety isn't something you can just catch, and 99% of the time if we are going to be destructive toward anyone or anything it will be ourselves. And the other 1% is usually inanimate objects.. Like when we throw a book against the wall, or scream into a pillow..

So to start out I am going to answer the most obvious question. What is anxiety? Well generalized anxiety is a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome (though I and I'm sure others like me, will tell you that sometimes the anxiety just comes out of no where). Anyone can experience anxiety on any level, it isn't just limited to those of us with a diagnosable disorder. The only difference is that people like me are basically always living in that state of fear or panic that others will only experience, lets say, before a recital, or a big test. Just take a second here to imagine living with that feeling of complete panic and unease that you've had before 24/7. You wake up with that feeling, go to work or school with that feeling, and go to bed with that feeling. And it's pretty much and never ending relentless cycle.. That my friends is the day in the life of a person with generalized anxiety disorder. Yes it sucks, and yes it's hard. But we function, we survive day by day with this. After all what choice do we have? Time keeps ticking, the world keeps spinning, some days are harder than others, but we get by and function at pretty normal levels. The worst part is when we feel our minds are at rest, our bodies will still be experiencing symptoms of panic and stress so those feelings never really go away.

Anxiety and stress.. They are kind of like this sick twisted game. The only rule is, there are no rules. One day, or one minute, or one second, you could be feeling so nauseated that you could vomit, and the next you'll have muscle twitching or aches and pains or all of the above! It's ever changing. Right when you think you have figured out how to cope with one thing, it hits you smack in the face with something new, and BAM! You are back at the bottom, right where you started. Then you have to learn how to cope and adapt again, sometimes it takes more effort and sometimes it takes less. It all just depends on what you are more able to handle. 

Now ask yourself another question, you as a person that doesn't live with anxiety... Lets say that tomorrow you wake up with anxiety, not the fleeting anxiety we've all experienced, no, you have full blown anxiety. Your stomach rolls with nausea, your head is pounding... You're frightened, extremely frightened, but you're not really sure why. Why should you be scared or stressed? You don't know, nothing comes to mind. You just can't pin it down.. Your palms are starting to get sweaty, your mind is racing, you're starting to get shaky.. Your throat starts to tighten and you feel like you can't breathe.. You're sure you're going to die, because this is what death must feel like, right? ... 

Imagine that, and living with it, to a certain extent, everyday... Could you live? Could you survive? Could you function? Honestly. You think anxiety is made up? All in someone's head? Try living with that and all of the self loathing that comes with it, then try telling me it's not real.

Now let me bring something else to light. Your co-worker, your friend, your babysitter... They act normal right? Happy, living life to the fullest... You spend time with them or see them often. For all you know though, they are living life with a form of anxiety, or maybe another mental disorder and you just don't know it. Without thinking they have a disorder, do they scare you? Just thinking about them, the last time you were with them, do they scare you? Make you feel uneasy? Do they rub off on you? I know what your answer will be.. That answer is no. Not they don't, they don't do any of those things. Now imagine they do have a form of anxiety. Has anything really changed? Has the person changed? Has the way they act changed? No, I can promise the answer is no. Not really. The only thing that has changed is your knowledge about the fact that they have anxiety. That does not suddenly turn the person into some kind of scary monster. After all, they have always just kept their issues to themselves, you just didn't know they were. They aren't going to completely change now and become a different person. The only thing that might change is the fact that they may talk to you about it a little because they need some support. Going through this type of thing alone isn't easy. If a person trusts you enough to tell you something so personal, and you freak out, you're the monster, not them.. And honestly, if you do that, you need an attitude adjustment.. And maybe some therapy of your own, because when you freak out over something like that you must have some issues of your own going on. 

Now for the next part... What is Hypochondria? Well that's basically just a fancy word for "health anxiety". Pretty much the same definition as generalized anxiety, only instead of being afraid of every day things, a person with Hypochondria has a fear of health issues. Usually the health problems that are the worst ones out there. The ones that are rare, can cause death or serious life impairment.

A person with health anxiety usually suffers from symptoms of an illness they most fear. Their body and their mind create these things simply because the person fears it. The mind and the body are both very powerful things, so when something is constantly on your mind, such as a fear, your mind with create it and make it seemingly real.. And your body will react. In my opinion health anxiety is the most crippling and scary form of anxiety that a person can have. Just like any other form of anxiety, the severity of it varies from person to person, but usually anyone who suffers from it will always make the same mistake... They visit "Dr. Google" every single time there body does something that is even slightly out of the norm. They visit Dr. Google or even their own doctor a huge amount of times. Some people with Hypochondria will even "doctor jump" because they simply can't believe it when their doctor says they are fine. After all, how could they be fine when they have all of these things happening? All of these things that seem so wrong? Not just anxiety and stress can create all of that! Oh.. But yes, yes it can! Once again, the rule when it comes to stress and anxiety is that there are no rules.. But people with Hypochondria often over look that, or forget that when things get bad. Myself included. 

Hypochondria is scary. A person with this mental disorder can go broke with all of the doctor visits. Or be too nervous to go visit a doctor for anything so they just sit at home in a constant state of panic. Sometimes it even gets hard to differ between what symptom is real, or what symptom is not. It's mental agony. It's embarrassing. It's just flat out frustrating.. 

Like I said before, a person with Hypochondria can often suffer from symptoms of an illness. But we aren't talking the common cold, or even just the flu. No.. Those things are child's play! It's usually something much bigger and scarier than that. It's usually something like heart disease, ALS, or cancer.. And the list goes on and on... With Google out there being a Hypochondriacs worst enemy, sometimes I wonder if a person with health anxiety knows about more diseases than a doctor.. Not good. 

The other problem is that a person can suffer from symptoms of one disease one day, then a completely different disease the next! Usually if they get symptoms though, its symptoms of a disease they obsess over, something that they fear above all of the other options out there. 

No matter if a person with health anxiety gets symptoms or not, has consistent symptoms, or symptoms that are ever changing.. It is never easy, and it is always scary. A Hypochondriac will always be convincing themselves that they have the worst thing, they'll research it, and then the panic sets in.. A relentless cycle. 

Some days are better than others for a person with any type of anxiety. Some treatments will work for a certain person, and do nothing for another person. Levels of severity vary. But one thing is always consistent.. People that deal with these things, or anything similar to it, are very strong. Getting through each day, functioning like anyone else, all with this crap going on, is very far from easy..

If you don't deal with anxiety, or depression, just realize we are human being just like you, only trying to do our best in this world and be happy. If these things scare you.. They shouldn't, a person with anxiety is still pretty much exactly like you. If we trust you and tell you something this personal, don't freak out. We aren't going to expect you to fix it for us, we aren't going to change, it isn't going to be the only thing we talk about.. It just means we trust you to give us some support, to see us and understand us as we really are, on a deeper level. 

Everyone has some kind of baggage they carry with them. No two people are the same. Therefore our problems aren't the same. We can never pretend to really understand what a person is going through, but we can always be there to help each other, to love each other, and guide each other... And we can always try to understand a little better, before we go off judging someone.