I'll warn you now.. Before you really start reading this. This post is going to be about some things that are deeply personal to me. And these things aren't necessarily the happiest subjects. It's very hard for me to really come out and talk about these things... So if you don't feel like reading something sad, or if you feel like you'd just rather not know about these things, then feel free to just skip right over this post. With that said, here goes nothing...
In an earlier post I mentioned the fact that I suffer from anxiety, extreme depression, and hypochondriasis (being a hypochondriac). Every day is a true struggle for me. Especially lately. I take no medication for any of these things... I have a very very firm belief that medications aren't necessary, while all of these things are very real, very scary disorders, I believe that your own mind is the best medication for it. Medications just mask everything, they just bury the problem without truly fixing it.. The only way to truly fix it is just by battling it yourself, by reprogramming your mind and kicking all of those bad things out. Because while all of these things are very real, very valid mental problems, they are all very curable no matter what people tell you. Trust me, I have seen people in a worse state than me kick there problems, at least to the point where they can function pretty much normally and they seem basically happy. And I have also experienced the feeling of being normal and happy after a period of time where I was really bad, it is only very recently that I have had somewhat of a relapse (I never said battling these things yourself would be easy or perfect). Now I would like to clarify and say that for those out there that are using medications to help with these problems or problems that are similar, I am not undermining you at all or trying to say that your way of going about things is wrong in anyway. The saying "to each his own" could not be more true... I am just simply going about things in a different way than probably most would, and I am standing firm in it.
For the past few months I felt totally and completely fine, I was happy, probably the happiest I have been for a very very long time. Unfortunately this happened after a few months where I felt worse than I had felt in a very long time, I was a complete wreck and, at the time. I felt completely hopeless. There was no light at the end of my tunnel. Let me give you a little bit more of my background, just to help you understand a little more how bad I was...
The human body is an amazing thing. Especially because of the fact that each individual human being is completely different from the other. Our DNA is more amazing than I think we sometimes realize. We are kind of like snowflakes in a sense, not one of us is the same. Because of the fact that not one of us is the same, it is a pretty obvious fact that none of us react to stress in the same way. Almost anything can be a sign of stress, it all just depends on the person experiencing it. It can be anything from headaches, to feeling completely fatigued. Because each person reacts to stress differently, that means people that suffer from anxiety attacks all experience something different. When I get an anxiety attack, I get extremely sick.. And when I say sick, I mean sick to my stomach. I feel like I could puke (sometimes it gets so bad that I do) I can't eat, I feel super panicky and kind of shaky. It's really strange, I don't feel like myself at all, it's really hard to explain, it's not necessarily an out of body experience but something that I think is very closely related to that. I don't feel normal, almost like I shouldn't be real, almost like I am just watching myself from a far and I'm not really there. Having an anxiety attack is one of the things I can truly say I hate. I wish with all my heart that I never had to have one ever again.. I wouldn't wish them on anyone.
Now that you know basically what I experience.. I can explain more how bad I got. I basically never left my house for a few months. I couldn't eat. Almost everything that I ate or drank came back up. I went to different doctors to see if anyone could come up with an explanation that could cure me... I wanted it to be something medical that had an answer.. But no matter what they said or did or came up with, nothing got better. I was suffering so badly that at some points I really wished God would just take me. I thought I was going to have to live like that forever.. I was like this until it finally came out that I could possibly just be suffering from having anxiety and stress on an extreme level.. When I finally heard this I was able to kind of get a handle on things. I slowly started to feel better until eventually I was finally 100% back on my feet. The funny thing about anxiety and anxiety attacks is they can last for however long and be at any kind of severity, there is no rules, no logic. The only way to get a handle on it is to learn your specific reaction, the way your body presents the fact that it's feeling stress, and then you have to get a handle on it with your mind. It's nothing but a mental battle.
So yeah, I was feeling totally fine for a few months after that. Completely happy, completely content, nothing was really going wrong... Until just a few weeks ago... When I started noticing flaws about my appearance.. Kind of silly huh? That something like that could trigger these things in me.. But like I said, this is a mental battle, a game with no rules, no logic. I could feel the anxiety in me start to rise... And when I start feeling that I start to panic, I don't want to go back down that hole I was once in. I have been battling so hard everyday since this started to happen again, I have been trying so hard, never giving up hope... But it seems like I am just fighting an uphill battle and I am starting to lose my strength and momentum. Every time I start to feel a bit better, I start to accept that flaw I found and move past it, I notice a new one and then the list just starts growing and it starts to feel overwhelming... My most recent flaw I have found is the fact that one of my eyes looks like an old lady eye... And maybe it's just me, it probably is, but it seems really bad and it seems to be getting worse. And it makes me hate how I look, makes me hate going out in public.. When I notice all of these flaws, yes they bug me, they bug me a great deal, and my hypochondriasis kicks in and I start feeling like I am aging at a extremely young age and I panic.. But it isn't just the flaws that bug me anymore.. No, my mind has expanded to new horizons because of those flaws. Now I get anxiety because I feel like I am ugly, then I start feeling like those who say they love me don't really because when I look in the mirror I just sit and think "how could they love me?", and I start to feel alone... And then I slip even further down this steep hill..
These things seem irrational to you? That's because DING DING! They are! Even I know that in the back of my head... I ask myself "good heck Madison. This is so stupid! Why do you have to keep dwelling on this? Why do you have to make it bigger and worse than it is? Why can't you just get over it and move on!?".. But you have to remember these things I'm dealing with are real disorders, it's not just as easy as flipping a switch and these problems and these thoughts just go away. I really wish it was that easy... I really do. All I can do though is try my absolute best, and I am I really am..
I am in this hole, this abyss, that I can't really see a way out of. I know there is a way out, there has to be.. There was one before.. I just have to find it and it's hard, very hard. Especially because each day that passes just seems to get worse. I can't sleep well, I wake up in a panic attack, I walk straight to the mirror and stare at my flaws and the depression kicks in, and for the rest of my day that is all my mind is on, the bad. I have moments where I feel good, I feel like I can accept everything and move on and be happy, but these moments are gone in the blink of an eye. It's like a roller coaster ride... A very unhealthy, unpleasant, roller coaster ride.
I pray to God every day for help, and for strength. Even though I often sit and wonder why God? Why? Why me? Why did you give me these things? Because even though I know that He only gives us what He knows we can handle, even though He knows me better than I know myself.. I don't feel like I am handling all of this very well, I don't feel very strong... And I know that I just need to have more trust and faith, but often times that is much easier said than done..
It's getting harder to eat, it's getting harder to sleep, I hate myself more and more each day, I much prefer being asleep and unaware, I always feel sick, I don't find joy in the things I once did... I'm falling and I'm falling..
The good news is that I still see a light, I still feel like there is hope.. And I climb towards it, no matter how feeble the attempt.. I am trying.. I really am.. Some days are just worse than others. I just wish I could blink and all of this pain, this hardship could be over and I could go back to being happy...
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