Life is.. Well, Life..

Honestly, I have gone through a period in my life where all I could think was "Why me?". Everything always seemed to be going wrong. People would leave me, or let me down. I was always letting myself down. Goals seemed so far out of reach. I gave up on dreams. Anxiety was always filling my thoughts and actions, completely overwhelming me. No words were ever inspiring. Things I had once enjoyed seemed mundane. I felt like I was being slapped in the face over and over again. I never wanted to get out of bed. 

That light at the end of the tunnel.. Yeah well.. That didn't exist for me. 

People would tell me things like "turn to God" or "you just need to get up and try. Time heals and It'll get better."... Well little did they know that it just isn't that easy once you've gone down the road I was going down. You can't just flip a switch and be fine. Those answers that people give like "pray about it" gave me nothing. 

I was spiraling out of control...

Basically since my childhood I have felt like I needed to grow up extremely fast, and so that's what I did. Things were never easy at home. And once I hit fifth grade, school stopped having any kind of appeal as well. I was pretty much always that awkward girl that everyone made fun of. And even when I was just a pre-teen I felt like I really needed to carry a lot of my families issues on my shoulders. Then when it came time to date all I did was get myself into abusive relationship after abusive relationship.. If it wasn't physically abusive, it was emotionally. I just didn't know what I was doing.. I had never been taught what love was supposed to look like, or how to have enough self respect to know that I deserved far better. But hey.. I was always taught that hiding your emotions, and burying things so that no one could see was always the way to fix my problems. 

I was really okay for the most part. Or at least so I thought until I was finally out of High School and forced to really look at life and think about it. I had too much time to just be in my head with my relentless thoughts, along with the never ending darkness that hovered above my home and my family.

The small light I had was being completely doused.. But I kept pushing forward. Determined to be okay or at least seem like I was okay. I continued to carry so much on my shoulders. I continued to do everything in my power to protect my little sister from the same torment I was feeling every day. I continued to tell everyone I was fine... I continued to lie to myself.

I was caught in a relentless storm. And that is when the darkness really hit.

My story, my background, has never been very pretty. Basically no one knows about everything, except of course, for those who were there. But I was never completely aware of how much I was enduring, how much I was allowing myself to endure, even when I probably didn't need to.

Trust me when I say that I have been down the darkest road a person can go down. At least mentally and emotionally..

But now.. I can safely and completely truthfully say that I am not longer there.

I learned that well... Life.. Life is just life. 

The universe is never out to get you. People may do harmful things to you, but really, everything after that one specific moment of harm, the place any remaining pain is coming from is yourself. You may have a bad day, but one day does not make a bad life...

Basically all hurt and pain we experience really comes from ourselves.. Our mind sets. It comes from nothing else, and no one else. 

Even when someone does something to hurt you, you DO NOT have to take it to heart. You do not have to have an issue with anything that anyone else does or says. It is not your problem, whether it is directed at you or not. You cannot control anyone else, you can only control you.. So focus on that.

Forgiveness really is the best weapon. The last thing a person trying to hurt you wants to see, is a genuine smile plastered on your face. If someone is aiming to hurt you, do not give them the satisfaction. 

You cannot blame anyone else for your problems. Because the only one holding onto it is you. If your parent didn't teach you how to add 2 and 2, you cannot blame them for you not knowing the answer. That is not their problem. The only reason the problem still exists is because you didn't do anything to fix the issue. 

In the end, everyone is dealing with their own problems. Everyone is experiencing hurt and pain of every kind, everyday. And those people who hold onto the past are the ones that are often hurting the most.

Whenever a storm is raging around you, remember that you never have to internalize it. A storm can be raging, and you can stand in the middle of it without it ever touching you. She's yelling? Cool. That's her issue. He dumped you? Cool. That's his problem because another man is going to find you and treat you better than he ever did.

Life is life guys.. It's never perfect. It's messy. Trust me.. I have learned these things the hard way. Once you learn to just accept.. It becomes so much easier. 

And always remember.. The past is the past. Every second that ticks by is already the past. In fact this is in the past already..

So let go. And breathe.