Throughout the past few years I have had so many people look at me, and not believe me when I tell them I am content. They don't believe me when I say I have forgiven both myself and others for things that occurred in my past. They just simply don't believe that I have totally moved on, totally content with where my life is going. And so many people have been just totally determined that they were going to convince me that they were right about how I should feel and that I wasn't.
A few people at certain points even had me totally convince that, yeah, they were right. Why wasn't I still mad at that person? I had every right to be! They totally threw me under the bus, ran me over, then backed up over me just for good measure, just to make sure I was no longer breathing... So why shouldn't I have done the same to them? Why aren't those horrid feelings there!? Why didn't I feel anymore guilt and sadness? Why? Why? Why weren't these people right about how I felt?
But no matter how much people badgered me.. No matter how many times people confused me about my feelings on so many situations... Even when I wanted others to be right, when I had convinced myself that I should be mad... I just couldn't ever really feel all of those rotten things. Not really.. Because they weren't ever really there. And oddly enough, I was totally okay with that.
There are very very few people in this world that know my whole story. People know bits and pieces. But they don't know it all. Those who do know everything were those who were literally there, and that adds up to maybe about four or five people. And those are the only people out there that never ever tried to convince me that I should be angry... Even though they were the ones who literally saw all of my cause to be mad... I think maybe they were just in the exact same boat I was in. We definitely had that in common.
I think once you've been through Hell.. Or even just witnessed those going through it... You'll realize that the absolute last thing you want to do is carry even the littlest bit of it with you. And when you are holding on to anger, or sadness, you are carrying Hell out with you. Those flames continue to engulf you and pull you down even after you thought you were standing up and walking again.
Funny how once you've danced with the devil, that's when you wake up and really see... That's when you open up your eyes and just simply let go.
I think finally people are starting to see me as I really am. I carry no anger. I carry no hatred. None of that. But I'm not going to say that all I carry is absolute love and never ending peace either... While I do try to always carry those things with me at all times, I am only human and I slip sometimes.. No... The thing I carry with me always is strength. And that strength came from surviving Hell. That strength came from absolute forgiveness.
I am so far from perfect and I never expect to become perfect, simply because that isn't possible for any human being, and I totally recognize that. I don't have all the answers and I never will. But I can definitely say that happiness, love, kindness, acceptance.. All of that... Can never come from anyone else. It can only ever come from you. And if you are clinging to all of the bad things in life, or all of the bad things that once over came you in the past... There is no way you will reach the good.
Why?
Because in those moments when you cling to your grudge, you are looking to someone else to fix your problem. You are looking to them to tell you how sorry they are, or how much they love you, or that they would take the hurt away if they could.. But what if they did? What if they gave you exactly what you've been telling yourself you needed them to do? Would your hurt and pain or your sadness just instantly be lifted? The answer is no, no you wouldn't. Because just because someone wronged you in the past, just because they cause you pain in that one moment, that doesn't mean they are responsible for everything you are carrying now. That is all you. And you are the only one who can fix it.
The same goes for if you are every the one who hurts someone else. You cannot turn to the person you wronged to take away the guilt you are filled with. Especially if you have done all you can do to remedy the situation. It is not up to them. It never was. They may never give you the forgiveness you crave... And even if they did, the ultimate forgiveness always comes from within.
Everything comes from inside you. All of your hurt, all of your happiness... Everything. No matter how much we would like to shove everything on to someone else. No matter how much we would just love to give someone else all of the blame... It isn't their fault, and it never, ever was.
The key to a blissful life is learning how to stand in the middle of a storm, yet never letting any of it touch you, and never internalizing any of it.
You can walk down the streets tomorrow feeling totally content. You can totally forgive yourself tomorrow even if someone else hasn't. You can totally move on tomorrow even if they haven't. You can totally love yourself tomorrow even if they don't. You just have to stop looking at them, and simply look at yourself.
Because in order to have someone absolutely love the Hell out of you... You must first love the Hell out of yourself.
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