The Hardest Thing..

When I say this.. I honestly am not trying to say that my life is the hardest thing ever.. But honestly.. My life is anything but easy right now. I mean it was getting pretty good there for a little while, I was starting to hold my head high again, accept some things, change some things.. I could feel strength pulsing in my veins again. But that all changed with one little letter from my friend serving a mission in Japan.

This particular friend has been my rock for so long. One of the few people I felt I could always rely on no matter what. I have lost a lot of people and a lot of things that I held very dear, that I thought I could trust and rely on... All because I don't have a title.. I am not Mormon.. And while I don't care when someone chooses to believe differently I have found that I cannot expect that of other people. I chose to leave the church, for some deeply personal reasons, along with some other things I learned that made me far from happy. But I won't elaborate on any of that, because I have made a personal decision not to push my beliefs on anyone in any way.. If someone wants to know they can ask, and I'll gladly share. All I know is that this change is something I know I needed to do and am very happy with. 

The only problem is.. The losses I have suffered. But that is not because of my choice. My choice is not bad. It's the people.. I am not calling them bad, no, I would never do that, after all even after losing them they still hold a dear place in my heart and always will. Just because they no longer care about me doesn't mean I don't care about them. The problem is these people chose to look at the religion, not the person, they valued the religion a lot more, they saw me as a religion and not ME. I myself have not changed in the slightest, I am still and always will be that person they claimed to love, a title has just changed. But that was enough..

I have lost family and friends. I have lost people I thought I could rely on forever. And each time I lost someone, it hurt so much. Like a knife slowly slicing through me, not killing me but leaving me extremely wounded. I expected so much more from these people. I was always disappointed but at the same time didn't ever hold it against anyone. After all I do know that the Mormon church teaches to not get too close to those who aren't Mormon, I was present for those lessens. While I strongly disagree with that, I know people believe in it, and I will never be someone to bash someones belief, if it works for them that is all that matters. Religion is a deeply personal choice, unique and individual for each person, and it won't work the same for everyone. Each persons beliefs should never be mocked, talked down about, or disregarded. 

I thought I was done with this pain of losing people I had grown to care so much about. But today when I got a letter from a friend I learned that I was wrong. I had just lost someone else. Someone so near and dear to my heart. That's when the pain started... Deep and searing and unyielding. Like a black hole was swallowing me whole.. Then something hit me hard like a rock.. I still had someone else.. Someone who literally means the world to me. He is my world.. Someone who I have never been 100% sure where he stands with the church.. And I knew..  I knew right then that I had to get this all cleared up with him too. James. When I realized this I knew deep down that I was about to lose him, and the pain inside started. But I still had a slim glimmer of hope.. I won't go into too much detail about how that conversation went, but basically it didn't go well for me.. I have lost two people in one day, in a couple of hours time. Two people that meant so much to me. Don't get me wrong. James was not once ever mean to me during that conversation. Which was a nice relief. He never said I was bad or anything for my different beliefs. But I have still lost him. And the fact that he was kind doesn't do anything to ease this incredible pain that I fear will never leave..

I seriously feel like someone is slowly and meticulously tearing my heart apart and it's hard to breathe.. All while I feel like my body is just going to completely fall apart. I think about my future that I was so sure James would be in without him and I just have to curl into a ball of pain and sob. I honestly don't really know how I'll move on and really be happy.. But I know at this point I have no choice but to have to... I will always miss that amazing man. I'll miss him to my very core and there will always be an ache in the place of my heart where he will always belong. I will always want and love him.. But life isn't always fair. And we don't always get what we want. And I will be strong. I will get through this. 

Time does heal.. However slowly.

James, I truly hope you are able to find complete happiness. You are amazing and deserve nothing less than to always wake up with a smile on your face. My opinion of you is extremely high, and it will never be lowered. The world needs more people like you. Go on to fulfill your dreams, never let go of them because I know you are good enough to achieve them. Find a girl that is everything you want, and never let her go, and never settle for anything less. God really did good when he created you. Honestly. 

I guess now it's time to go eat loads of ice cream and start to heal myself.