The thin line between the fake order and the very real chaos.

I was told just a little earlier today by someone very close to me that I should be some type of motivational speaker. He said this because of the conversation we were having at the time. It certain ways it was deep and thought provoking, at least on my part, because I tend to enjoy expanding upon things and thinking critically (even when it isn't necessarily needed). I've been like this basically my whole life (but especially within the past two years), I refuse to conform, I do not believe in absolute truths, I think critically, I am open to all sorts of ideas and opinions, I research and study things in order to be as educated as I can, I do not follow blindly, I do not choose to believe things based off of anyone else's idea but instead based upon my own... Generally in most situations, I tend to go left when most people go right (metaphorically speaking of course). Like I told this person, I am a black sheep. And basically every person that is close to me in this life are black sheep as well.. Because I no longer embrace the fake idea of "order" that humans have created, and I do not surround myself with many things or people that do. 

I laughed when this person told me I should be a motivational speaker. I have had many people before him tell me the same thing. Or something close to the same thing. That I should right a book, or speak, or teach classes... And every time I have tended to just laugh it off. They all say that they would support me, because they find the things say, do, think, and study thought provoking and interesting. But I laugh because the people telling me this are mainly black sheep like me.. They are already on the road to being different and open. They are not the stubborn minds that most human beings have become throughout the beginning of time.

Most of the things I do, say, and think, are for me. To help me become a better person, a more educated person, a more well rounded person. They haven't really been for others, although I do really enjoy when someone is willing to listen to me, or even sometimes learns something from me. I won't lie, there is a sense of joy that comes from that. But the main reason I do it all mainly for myself, is because I am someone who is not popularly accepted. Not at all. At least not around here where I live. If anything I am outcast and shunned.

Why is this? Because around here is one of the most stubborn places, I think, in the world. Simply because it is very religiously run. Religion and politics are the two things that very strongly run this world. Not much else has a say anymore. And in both of these things there is no room for free thinking or branching out. There is only "right" and "wrong", opinions that are supposed to be believed as fact, and leaders that practically program their followers. 

No one thinks for themselves anymore. They choose to cling on to another persons belief system and become controlled by that instead of finding their own. It is all part of the thin veil of fake order that people have been constructing forever. And I am someone who yanks on that.

Around here, and in more and more places that is not okay.

When someone like me yanks on that thin veil the huge group of people on the other side get a glimpse of what the world really is. And in that small glimpse all chaos breaks loose. They realize that the beliefs and opinions they have been desperately, and unrelentingly, holding on to may not be absolute truths but instead are just simple ideas. They see the uncertainty. They see that everything is much much bigger than they would like to think, and they hate it. People thrive on certainty and simplicity. And they do not like it when they are reminded that neither one ever really existed.

Since the beginning of time people have been trying to change the world so that they can be happy and comfortable. This hasn't ever worked, because it approaches the problem backward. What "the work" gives us is a way to change the projector- mind - rather than the projected. It's like when there is a piece of lint on a projectors lens. We think there's a flaw in the screen, and we try to change this person and that person, whomever the flaw appears on next. But it's futile to try and change the projected images. Once we realize where the lint is, we can clear the lens itself. This is the end of suffering, and the beginning of a little joy in paradise.

People tend to enjoy making it their job to fix everyone, to mold them to their standards. And that is where the problems originate. Everyone has their own reality, their own sense of right and wrong, and so on. No two are the same. What is comfortable for you, is completely wrong to your neighbor. Accepting that no one needs to be saved, that no one will ever think the same, or want the same things... Accepting that everyone has their own reality... That is where the solution starts.

The Parable Of The Duck

Last year around this time, the beautiful transition between summer and spring, my mom and I decided to go feed the ducks down by Flowserve in Springville, Utah. It's something we've always enjoyed doing, and it was a lazy day, not filled with much to do, so we grabbed some older bread and we set off to go feed the ducks.

Me being the person I am, I instantly took notice of the tiny (and fluffy) baby ducks sweetly following their momma. They were making the cutest little squeaking noises and waddling around on their young unstable legs. Of course the mom didn't want them any where near me though, so they very quickly took the plunge into the cold water, and then they were gone down stream. Leaving me wishing I had a baby duck to call my very own, and perhaps name it squishy. 

As these sweet little ducklings floated further down stream I decided it was probably time to turn around and greet the mob of adult ducks that had very quickly gathered around me. I instantly noticed two ducks in particular though... They were shying away from the mob seemingly uncertain of what to do, obviously wanting bread like the others, but not brave enough to take a step forward into the ever growing group of ducks. It very quickly became very obvious why...

One of the ducks was a beautiful pure white, with a bright orange beak, and bright orange feet... Only this duck wasn't normal. It was missing its eyes, and it was covered in old scars, and new wounds alike. He had so many bald spots which I am almost sure were way past the point of growing any of his gorgeous white feathers back... And he was standing very timidly behind a very strong and sleek black duck, with amazing blue feathers accenting his wings. This black duck wasn't completely perfect either, while he was not nearly as beat up as his friend was, he too had bald spots, and spots crusted in blood. But unlike his friend he held his head high, and he made certain that he was always in contact with the poor white duck behind him, always touching and always protectively in front.

While I could pretty easily guess what the problem was with these two ducks, it became painfully obvious very quickly. As soon as the growing crowd of ducks noticed I was giving attention to these two lonely ducks, they swarmed. Viciously and mercilessly pecking at this poor white duck who was completely and utterly terrified. They were pecking at his already open wounds and at the places where his eyes had been, the eyes that these other ducks had so brutally taken from him however long ago. 

As I was helplessly trying to intervene I watched as something amazing happened... The beautiful black duck stood between the angry mob and the blind duck, and he fought back. While he still could not completely protect his friend from every blow, he still did absolutely everything he could to stop what was happening. He took blows to his magnificent wings, and his sleek feathers that covered his body. He flapped his wings viciously, and he bit and pecked back... All the while the white duck was clinging to him like a life line. And I watched as all of the other ducks backed away and gave up the fight.

My eyes began to brim with tears over the helplessness and sadness I felt looking at this once perfect white duck, who had the unfortunate luck of becoming the one that everyone tormented... All except one. His one magnificent friend, who was now nudging him reassuringly, and allowing him to cling to his side. His one friend who had chosen to go against the crowd and courageously stand up against something he knew was wrong and wasn't willing to partake in. His one friend who chose to put himself in harms way, in order to fight for someone else who he knew couldn't do it alone. 

This black duck may not have been able to stop the others from taking his friends eyes, or inflicting wounds that would probably never completely heal... But he gave him hope. While this white duck lived in complete darkness and fear, the black duck taught him to keep his beak up against his wing so he always knew where he was walking, he made sure his friend got pieces of bread that he otherwise would not of got. He made clucking noises at his blinded friend in order to let him know different things, and he helped as his friend struggled to get in the water like all the others. This gorgeous black duck with the blue wings gave his friend light when there was none, he gave him hope when it all seemed lost, he gave him a chance when there wasn't one, he gave him a friend when there was none, he gave him a life even when it might have seemed bleak... 

My heart broke having to leave them there. But they also helped to teach me a lesson I won't soon forget. 

In this life we are faced with so many choices. The choice to do good or bad. To do what is popular, or what is needed. That black duck went up against all odds, he went against the crowd and fought hard for what he knew he had to do, even when it meant great sacrifice for himself. And though I know none of it could have been easy, it was obviously worth it.

Sometimes the right and kind thing to do isn't the easy, fun or popular choice... But none of those things matter in the end. 

I know I would so much rather be that little black duck, being the only thing standing between a helpless victim and an angry mob, than be part of that mob inflicting so much pain. Doing the socially accepted thing or the popular thing does not mean you are doing the right thing. 

I strive for kindness, helpfulness, and love each and every day. I know a lot of things I choose aren't necessarily the popular thing, and often I get ridiculed for that. But I refuse to stand down when I know the right thing must be done.

So... What side are you on?

Why no organized religion really exists.

Basically my whole inspiration for this particular post stems from one of my most recent status updates on Facebook. Really, it created quite an uproar. I started receiving a wide amount of messages right after I posted it, all ranging from agreeing with me, appreciating saying something when they didn't have the courage to, curiosity, debate, and of course the very famous doing exactly what I had just asked everyone NOT to do. 

If you don't already know.. This status consisted of me asking everyone to basically leave me alone in their never ending quest to convert me back to Mormonism.. It is something I have no interest in doing ever again, and I really would appreciate it if people would stop. I never expected it to cause such a wide variety of emotions, and uprisings. 

But one thing one person in particular said (and of course I will not be disclosing any of their personal information) really struck me. For purposes of this particular post I will be referring to them as "Bob" from here on out.... Bob said and I quote, "Maybe you were just taught wrong".

I will be completely frank... That instantly struck me as one of the most idiotic and ignorant things a person has ever said to me. I honestly do not mean to be rude when I say that, even though it definitely comes across that way. I simply mean that in just those few words that Bob said, all I could picture was a stubborn child, plugging his ears and closing his eyes, and screaming "LA LA LA LA" in order to not hear his mother tell him something he obviously didn't want to hear. And in a way I was dumbfounded...

Not necessarily dumbfounded by Bob in particular... But by the fact that he so obviously didn't want to hear what I had to say, even when he asked to hear it... And by the fact that I have heard basically the exact same thing come out of the mouths of fully grown adults who have heard exactly what they don't want to hear... It comes from them when someone does something differently than they do, or when they teach differently... And most importantly it comes when they feel defeated, but do not want to admit it. It is a stubborn and ignorant statement. And the equivalent to when a child closes his eyes and plugs his ears.

And this is why there is no such thing as any true blue organized religion on this Earth. And it is because everyone does the same thing Bob did. They throw their hands in the air and say "you must have been taught wrong" when they hear something they don't agree with. But here is the thing.. The real kicker... There is no possible way that two people in the exact same religion could ever be "taught wrong". Each person is taught the exact same doctrine. There is a set curriculum in Sunday school, people get the same lessons, read the same books. It is the SAME. The thing that differs is the people.. And that is where everything goes astray. 

You could ask two people to read the exact same verse in, say, the Doctrine and Covenants, and they would get two totally different things from it. Some would use the excuse that you are meant to get many different things from each verse, and for arguments sake, lets say that is true.. Those two people still wouldn't see the exact same things on the same topic. Why? Because they are tailoring it to themselves. They are tailoring things to THEIR needs, to what makes THEM comfortable, what makes THEM happy. 

And then guess what.. BAM everyone has created their own little religion inside a bigger one. So people call themselves Mormon, or Baptist, or Catholic, or whatever.. When they aren't. No one belongs to the religion they think they do. They belong to what they have created in their minds.. 

Because guess what? Everyone has their own reality. Everyone has their own story. And no one will ever be the same or think the same.. Not even close.

Organized religion does not exist. It never has. 

There is only beautiful chaos.

100 days. A million reasons.

I have very recently heard about a challenge, inspiring a movement, that I can wholeheartedly say I am more than excited to participate in. 

#100HappyDays

Some people seem to be treating it a lot like "grateful November" but I am choosing to see it in a different way, and participate in it in a different way... To me it isn't so much about what you are grateful for, but what it is that makes you happy, and what makes a happy life. Perhaps those are the exact same things for you... And perhaps they are not. For me personally they aren't necessarily the same so much as similar.. But in the end I figure there isn't really a "correct" way of doing this, as long as you are honestly trying, and not just going a long with the motions of what's trending in social media. 

Maybe I'm behind on this craze... I usually am. But I absolutely love the idea of this. We all need to learn to slow down our lives, and instead of rushing, just savor. We need to go back to our roots, back to simplicity, back to happiness. It seems to be so easy to forget what is good, and instead just focus on what seems to be bad. 

So here it goes. My journey in the 100 happy days movement. If you want to follow me more closely in this, watch my Facebook, or my instagram (madimemory). 

And maybe you'll be inspired to join too. 

Come What May

The world is full of so much chaos and ruin. Both of which people are constantly obsessed with trying to control. We all have an illusion that if we can limit the amount of horrible things that happen in our lives we will be able to more fully achieve the happiness we seek. But the thing we seem to be constantly over looking is that our lives are not the things full of chaos and pain, and the ruin that comes along with those things, it is just the world that is chaotic. And we have absolutely no control over that.

We live in a universe that we cannot really touch. The planet keeps spinning, and time keeps ticking, no matter how much we try to influence it. Bad things will always happen without us being able to sense them coming. Pain will always be felt, hearts will always be broken...

And I will continue to be amazed by how completely beautiful every disaster is. 

I may not be able to stop the horrors that touch my life, or the lives of those I love. But I am able to embrace them, and be able to continue living in bliss as they rage around me... And I will always continue to be utterly, and completely, grateful for each and every one of them. Because without them the good that comes after them would have never been found.. If one little thing had gone differently I would not be with my soul-mate... I would not see the happiness spark inside my mom's eyes that I have so longed to see for years... I would not be able to foresee the utter beauty that my sister's life will become after the monster that is highschool... I would not be able to see the release my dad feels after so long of being caged inside the insanity circle that was created... Without it I would not be able to watch as my brother tries to come back to himself.

The ruin that has taken place in my life is completely beautiful to behold. 

It has always simply been mind over matter. Terrible things may happen in our lives, but that does not make life an ugly thing. Wars may be raging, cancer may continue to horribly effect people's lives, hearts may continue to be broken, loved ones may continue to die... But that does not mean we have to live in misery. Misery does not bring happiness. Letting go brings happiness. In the moments where we let go of the illusion of control are when we are the happiest... When we are no longer fighting against the impossible battle, and we are just simply being, that is when we can truly be free.

There is true and complete peace to be found in simply doing nothing. There is true peace in simply living. 

Look to those who seem to be bearing some of the worst trials, and notice how at peace they seem... And choose to learn from them. Even in the worst of times, even in the most desperate of times, we can still find the beauty in the disaster. 

It is not YOUR life that is chaotic. It never has been, not even for a second. It is just the world around you that is. You can choose to feel nothing but pain in the bleak times, but you can also choose to feel gratitude for what you have that is beautifully good. Be grateful that you exist. Be grateful for those you are close with. Be grateful for what you are learning every day. Just simply be.

Simplicity can bring so much happiness... 

I have found the following quote from my favorite non-fiction story (Eat Pray Love) to be extremely helpful in learning how to go about life. It is directed towards an ex-boyfriend.. But can be applied to almost any situation: 

Dear David,

We haven’t had any communication in a while, and it’s given me time I needed to think.

Remember when you said we should live with each other and be unhappy so we could be happy? Consider it a testimony to how much I love you that I spent so long pouring myself into that offer, trying to make it work.

But my friend took me to the most amazing place the other day, it’s called the Augusteum. Octavian Augustus built it to house his remains. When the barbarians came, they trashed it along with everything else. The great Augustus, Rome’s first true great Emperor, how could he have imagined that Rome, the whole world as far as he was concerned, would one day be in ruins?

It’s one of the quietest and loneliest places in Rome. The city has grown up, around it over centuries, feels like a precious wound, like a heartache you won’t let go of…as it hurts too good. We all want things to stay the same, David. Settle for living in misery because we’re afraid of change, of things crumbling to ruins.

Then I looked around this place, at the chaos it’s endured, the way it’s been adapted, burnt, pillaged then found a way to build itself back up again and I was reassured. Maybe my life hasn’t been so chaotic, it’s just the world that is and the only real trap is getting attached to any of it.

Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.

Even in this eternal city, the Augusteum showed me that we must always be prepared for endless waves of transformation.

Both of us deserve better than staying together because we’re afraid we’ll be destroyed if we don’t.

And with that... I leave you.

Every Saint is a Sinner.

The past few years of my life have kind of been insane. A roller coaster ride of emotions, decisions, heart breaks, mistakes, love, and lies. I've had to make some of the hardest decisions, and stand by and watch as others broke my heart and made mistakes. And I have actively participated in every second of it, I have actively brought myself to the place I am in right now.... And I can honestly say that even if I had the opportunity to go back and change things, I wouldn't. Not because I enjoyed it all, because I definitely didn't... But because it has brought me to where I am now, and the knowledge I have now, and I wouldn't trade that for anything.

Every moment of our lives brings us to where we are now, in this very moment. Are you happy with that? Or not? Things may not be easy, life is messy and chaotic and painful... But the only question is, has it made you a better person? Or a worse person? 

We should never be afraid to fall apart. To let life happen, and sometimes break us down into a sobbing mess. Because when you do it is the perfect opportunity to rebuild yourself into what you wish you had been all along. And that is the greatest blessing of all. The only thing we have to do is be brave enough to see it that way.

Life is chaos. At least my life is, in my perspective. And for that I am grateful. I have learned to never again live my life for others. I have learned to love myself as a whole, mind, body, and spirit. I have learned who is really there for me, and who isn't. I have met wonderful people, and awful people, and learned amazing things from both. I have learned to better recognize blessings in my life. I have come to see God in a totally different way than I ever did before... And I have learned to be in love with my life.

No I am not always happy. No I don't lead a completely exciting life. But that's okay, because it is mine to do with what I will.

I have dealt with people treating me less than kindly. I have been judged more harshly than I ever thought I would be. I have lost those I have held closest to my heart. But I have also become more free than ever, I have learned what real love and support is, I have created boundaries I have always seriously needed... And so much more.

And one thing that I have learned above all is that my life has perhaps, not actually, been as chaotic as I have thought. It is merely the world that is so chaotic, and it is constantly bringing changes that we can never really anticipate. We can always control our own personal lives, what we cannot control is the world around us, and the people that occupy it. So why is it that we always hold ourselves accountable for the things we have zero control over, and never for the things we have 100% control over? 

I have learned to do nothing but enjoy the ride. I refuse to feel guilt over what isn't my fault. I refuse to look to others for the happiness I seek. I refuse to limit myself to another persons idea of God. I refuse to hold onto hurt and pain others bring into my life, because in the end it was never up to me. 

I allow everyone to judge me how they may (because I always know they will no matter what I do) without it ever touching me. I only allow a very select few people into my life, because I would so much rather only have a few close people around me who really care, than a huge group who couldn't really care less in the end.

Ruin is a gift. It always has been. Ruin is part of the road to transformation. You can't rebuild a city after a storm rages if it is not first torn down.

Every saint is a sinner. And every sinner is a saint. Those covered in tattoos and piercings that never attend church are often much kinder than those who have perfect attendance on Sundays. Beauty is in the soul. We must stop wearing our wishbones, where our backbones should be. I am completely baffled by the idea of a deity who takes attendance, instead of just paying attention to peoples actions. 

Happiness is only a consequence of personal effort. It always has been that, and nothing more. You must fight for it, strive for it, and insist upon it. You must always participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings, instead of just sitting around wondering where they are. And once you have achieved that state of happiness you must never become lazy about maintaining it, or it will wither away quicker than it came. You have to always be making an effort to swim towards the top of it, and always stay afloat.  

Operation Self-Esteem

Why is it that we are always so quick to hate our bodies? Or our lives? Or our jobs? Our relationships? Our ways of thinking? Our homes? Our friends, or our families? 

And if we aren't consciously hating those things we are always projecting our hate onto other people. Nit picking the things they do, the things they wear, the things they say... The way they go about their lives.

Or we are constantly looking, trying to find someone who is more miserable than we are so that we can begin to feel better about our own personal life.

Why is it so easy in this life, in this world, to so very quickly spiral down the road to victimization, hate, jealousy, envy, and madness.. Instead of spiraling down the road towards love, acceptance, happiness, peace, and a more elevated state of mind?

It is a sad things that we as human beings in this day in age are so quick to jump to the bad, instead of the good. Sad... But not without reason. I see the reason why we do this. As I am sure most people do.

We live in a ruthless world where every one seems to have this need to compete with everyone else. Where everyone is trying to put on this picture of complete happiness and perfection... When really their life is falling apart behind the scenes. We live in a world where letting our emotions out is seen as weakness... Where people will be "fake nice" to each other just so they can snoop in someone else's life trying to find weak spots. We live in a world full of run down people, destroyed houses, stressful jobs, not enough time in the day, and self loathing. 

If it isn't one thing it's another. There are very few people that I know of who are truthfully totally and completely happy. Happy with their life and themselves. Happy with there bodies, with their weight, their job, their romantic life, their family... Everything. I know many people who will claim to be totally content because they are too scared to be vulnerable. But not truly happy.

Most of us have gotten to a point in our lives where we just float by. Existing, but not living. Letting days slip by, convincing ourselves that we are happy. Never looking deep into ourselves. Always fearing what we don't understand, and looking to others for approval in the things we do. 

We turn to things like religion, make-overs, plastic surgery, friends, and significant others for the happiness we always seek. But we never stop to really look inside ourselves. We never stop to find what will make our unique self happy... Because we are all too damn busy competing and trying to keep up with the illusion of our picture perfect world.

Well guess what? No amount of church going, fake smiles, pouty lips, expensive clothes, nice houses, jobs, or friendships is ever in a million years going to make you happy. Fine, maybe at some point those things may help contribute to your overall happiness. But completely investing in them will not bring you happiness. They will bring you momentary masks to put over the scars in your life that you are trying to hide. 

Make up wont take away the imperfect skin you hate so badly. Silicone breast implants won't forever give you flawless breasts, because guess what, gravity takes over again. A low number on the scale in the morning won't magically make you feel amazing in your clothes. Going to church every Sunday does not suddenly make you a perfect saint with no flaws. 

Masks. They are all masks.

If complete happiness is what you seek, you need to look inside yourself. You need to search and find what YOU need to do to start loving your own personal world. It isn't something that is easy, but nothing that is worth it is ever really easy. 

I've never understood why it is so frowned upon in this world for someone to take some time for themselves.. To stray away from the crowd and search for what they personally are looking for. We don't all need to be doing the same thing. We don't all need to look the same. We don't all need to have a "perfect" life. We don't need to have it together all the time everyday. We don't need to join the same religion, or wear the same brand of clothing. We don't need to have the same taste in music, or food. We don't need to be constantly trying to change people because they are a little different from everyone else. What works for one, won't work for another.

Focus on YOU for a change. Invest in your hobby. Take a trip. Embrace your flaws. Stop obsessing with being skinny. Stop feeling guilty over doing something for yourself. Take a step back, slow down, and breathe...

Because in the end none of it even matters. Not even a little bit. No body knows if their vision of God or Heaven is correct. No body can tell you not to love someone, because "they just don't seem right for you", who ever gave them the authority to dictate that? No body should tell you that you need plastic surgery because you don't fit the description of a perfect woman, because there is no such thing as perfect.

Stop focusing on everyone else. Stop obsessing with the image of "beauty" that the media is shoving down our throats. Stop. Just stop. And look at yourself for once.

Do what it takes. Even if it's hard. Even if others don't approve. Because you deserve it. Everyone does. 

We are all always looking for love and acceptance from those around us... But why? What would that give us even if we received it from even the most stubborn person? Nothing really. Because in the end even if we had their love and approval, it'll all add up to nothing if we don't first love and approve of ourselves. 

We all have our demons. We all have our hidden secrets. We all have our dreams. 

And it is always better to live your life imperfectly, with break downs, and hectic days, than to live someone else's life absolutely perfectly. 

Love yourself. That is always the key. You can't really do much of anything without it.

And I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm choosing happiness over suffering, I know I am. I'm making space for the future to fill up my life with yet to come surprises. 

Operation self-esteem: Day freaking one.